Stuffing Your Feelings: An Unhealthy Caregiver Coping Mechanism

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Are you someone who cleverly "stuffs your feelings?" It's more common than you might think. We get media messages every day that tell us that we're supposed to always be happy, even perky – and if you aren't – then there must be something wrong with you. Not only is this not true, but it drives me crazy! Our feelings are the very thing that separate us from all other species, but we're told not to feel them, let alone experience them. When we ignore our feelings – particularly people who are in stressful situations like caregivers – eventually our bodies scream at us.

Many of us have been taught to stuff our feelings—to ignore them, to just "buck up." When you do this, especially if you are in a traditional caregiving role, you are in trouble. We need to embrace our negative feelings. They show up randomly for a reason; They are yelling at you because you've ignored them. Honor these emotions just like you honor moments of joy and excitement. Sadness, anger, resentment, frustration, and even depression are all part and parcel of life and especially the caregiving experience.

Creative Ways to Let Go of the Negative Emotions

These might sound ridiculous, but I promise you will feel better afterward.

  • Sit in your car and scream at the top of your lungs with the windows up. Just let it all out.
  • Go for a run or take a kickboxing class. This helps release the tension.
  • Go to the beach and kick sand or pound the water.
  • Strike a pillow with a foam bat.

You get where I'm going here, right? There is a physical activity involved with letting go of negativity. You don't want to yell at someone. You don't want to take this out on your loved one. You don't want to release your anger when you're driving. And you certainly don't want your negative feelings to eat away at you.

Find a way (that works for you) to manage your frustration, anger, resentment, and even sadness. When you begin paying attention to what you're feeling, you'll also begin to see what triggers you. Just experiment and go with it, because once you start doing this, the negative feelings will begin to fade and your life will become more balanced. If you ignore them, they will continue to surface and wreak havoc on your well-being.

An Exercise to Try

Each morning when you wake up, check in with yourself. How are you feeling? If you're channeling joy—beautiful! Enjoy it. If it's depression or anger, give yourself a big hug and ask for support. Allow yourself to feel that emotion for a day. Unless you are in real emotional trouble, chances are that these feelings will begin to dissipate as the day wears on. However, if you continue to feel angry and nothing really helps you, please seek a medical opinion.

Honoring your feelings and not feeling guilty about them is all part of the holistic approach I use when I'm coaching caregivers. I encourage you to listen to your soul and respect the feelings that show up for you.

Cindy Laverty is a Caregiver Coach and Founder of The Care Company, an online support website for family caregivers. Through programs, coaching and products, Cindy is dedicated to empowering family caregivers.

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9 Comments

Amen to that!!!!
Experiment!!! When people ask you how you are. Do not reply and watch how many people will say in return , Oh, Good!!
Everyone is so Out of Tune to what is happening in others lives, because they are so overwhelmed with what is happening in their own!!!, or simply have not taken the time to listen!!!!!!!
I "mess" with people when they ask me how I am, at times. I ask them if they really have time to listen! Some will be honest, others get the biggest look of surprise on their face!
WE ALL NEED TO REEVALUATE HOW WE ARE TREATING OTHERS. In this high tech world, it is becoming evermore detached, emotionally!!!!!!
Try to take time to listen to one person each day. It will make you feel like you helped them and it will make their day or perhaps even life better, because you took the time to care!!!!!!!!!!
Excellent advice on not stuffing feelings. I punch my palm a lot when I get angry. After three years I'm surprised my palm is not black and blue. It has taken quite the beating. But I have to let the anger out.

There is a positive way I stuff my feelings, though. If I am angry or upset, it upsets my rabbits. They look concerned and I assure them that I would never hurt them. I can feel the anger slipping away when I talked to them and pet them. Animals are magic like that.
Yes, very good advice! I go to the gym early before my mom awakens and pump iron. There is a punching bag there that I give a good punch to when I'm feeling angry or aggressive that day. JessieBelle has the right idea, too. Animals are very calming. I have a cat that senses when I'm a little 'at odds' with Mom and he climbs in my lap for a pet..this calms me down. Then, I can tolerate my 'sweet little Mother' and be nice to her :-)).