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My boyfriend and I moved in with his house bound mother over a year ago because she literally begged us to. We became her caregivers. She is 70 years old has stage 4 COPD, is on 2 liters of oxygen, has stage 3 kidney failure,has an irrevirsebile colostomy, has dementia and alzheimers, has a brain tremor due to alcohol withdrawal, has heart problems, is legally blind, when she has to leave the house she has to be transported by ambulance because she can't walk up or down the stairs because her leg muscles are too weak to support her, also due to NO EXCERCISE, she smokes 10 to 14 cigarettes a day, eats continuously, she's 5' 2" and weighs over 210 pounds, she's mean and hateful to us and calls us stupid and dumb, She has a visiting nurse and doctor come to the house and lies to them and doesn't follow the doctors orders. Thats just the tip of the iceberg . We can't do this anymore, The problem we are facing is that there is no one else willing to care for her because of the way she treats them. She has other children but they are unwilling to take on the responsibility like we have.There is no reasoning with her because she is TOO STUBBORN. She refuse to go into a nursing home, the other children do not want to get guardianship of her, and so here we are, being treated like S*** and don't know what to do. Advise please.

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Once again, glor830, no one can force this woman to go to a nursing home unless she is mentally incompetent. But one one can force you to stay in her house and take care of her.

Make your plans. Look for another place to live. Set a time limit. Notify her doctor that after such-and-such a date she will be living on her own.

Unless her two other children come often and regularly you might want to call a special meeting to discuss this. Be calm. Don't accuse anybody. Just state your decision about your own lives. Let them decide what they want to do -- which might be nothing. Not Your Problem.

Good luck!
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He does help me out quite a lot with caring for her, I do most of the female things for her like showers changing clothes changing her colostomy bag he helps giving her the medications she needs giving her breathing treatments and other things. Like I said in another post, we are in this together, he knows how hard it is too. He does help me.
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None of her children are willing to get guardianship of her because they say she it able to make her own decisions, They are not the ones that are living with her, are they? According to the visiting nurse we can not force her to go to a nursing home unless she was hospitalized first. The last time that she was in the hospital a social worker did an intake assessment and he suggested that she go to a rehab center for a short time and she told him to get the "F" out, that she was going home. We tried calling social services too and unless she is willing to do what they suggest there is nothing they can do. She refuses to let strangers in her home because she's afraid they will steal from her or rape her. She has even accused us from stealing for her. The next time her two other children come to visit my bf and I are going to tell them that we can't do this anymore and they need to find and make other arrangements for her care because we can't do this anymore. So that's what we have decided to do.
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I agree with jeanne. You have done your share. But I am asking you, why isn't your boyfriend sending these messages to us? Its his mother, not yours. Let him take some responsibility. If you don't then you could be the nearly sole caretaker of Mommy for a very long time. She is afterall, only 70. She could live another 25 yrs. By nearly sole, I mean he should do most of the work, do most of the calling agencies, do most of the looking after her, do most of the writing to us. And I am saying this in a loving way, meaning only good things. Women sometimes get trapped into almost all the caregiving. I, too, hope you come a good resolution soon.
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My heart goes out to your and to your boyfriend. Without guardianship I'm not sure you can force her into a nursing home. But you can make decisions about your own life. You can decide to move out and to live your own lives, for example. Naturally you are not going to simply abandon her. I suggest calling social services, ask for an intake assessment, and explain your situation -- that you have done as much as you could and that you are now needing to leave the house. What is Mother eligible for?

You have given his mother more than a year in her own home that she might not have had otherwise. Whether she is grateful or not, that is a fabulous gift. You can feel good about your generosity. That doesn't mean that you have to go on giving indefinitely, especially in light of how very stressful it has become.

If between her own resources and what social services can suggest Mother can arrange enough help to remain in her house, that is great. If she can't, well, that is not your fault, is it?

I hope you can come to a resolution soon.

BTW, is she eligible for hospice?
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