Well, I know I said I wouldn't be back unless something new came up and all is about the same, of course more drama of care and money as well as mental status of my kids. I am far from a great or even good cook, its edible and thats it. Once in a blue moon a miracle happens a meal is actually good. But once again, I get ragged on about my cooking, me not having a sparkling house heck so much as happened over the last 6 years. My house is ok, but lots of kids stuff, clutter etc. It doesn't shine.
Anyways, my grandfather is putting me down again today, how my kids are not like the other kids that he knows. Well, my kids have been spoiled yes, never helps...BUT one has Bipolar or something ( not diagnosed yet) only Diagnoses ADHD/Sleep Issues/Violence/ODD " Oppositional Defiant Disorder".. and wanting me dead "says I hope you die" , "he will kill me" when mad at me. Then all sudden so sweet? And the other is always wanting to be playing games and not interacting with anyone ..doesn't show emotions and this is way before I took on more of a role with grandfather. Mental illness does run in family and nothing bad happened to them, they are well loved and cared for.
I said in a reply to someone Im walking away full time and I am.. I have no choice. I should be with grandpa now but I just cant with the issues at home right now.. he has to realize he needs more "sitters"/"help". Not only does it upset my grandfather with all this going on but I have to handle my kids. Then my grandfather says " your kids need you, its ok, im ok.". then gets sarcastic and says" oh if you cant handle it" How would you handle a job? Good point... its called if I had a job, I can have a daycare or sitter come to the house for my son while my grandfather pays for his own care during the day!!!
It was mentioned a job is maybe not a good idea right now because I have everything paid for.. I dont have medical nor can they afford it for me. Haven't been to a Dr in several years.. and cancer runs in my family as well as other issues..I have some issues like Acid Reflux, bad teeth, other personal issues.. I cant wait to even look after they are dead for custody reasons too, and I wont have money to pay the bills once they die, it stops that day they die. So I and my kids will be homeless and needing a place within a week or less. So I have to have a backup,Its time I get a job anyways! Im way past my young hip days or whatever they call it now. The money that they pay for our bills is their money and they need it for their care. There's so many rules on decisions that many feel Im not "mature" enough to handle.. hello.. Ive grown up...have kids etc... they feel Im good enough to care my grandfather ( under same breath I still mess up in their eyes..guess mine too) but no other trust :(
I was told by an old "friend" to lie to my grandfather and say everything is fine so he stays calm.. ya well, it cant always happen that way, people talk , neighbors talk etc etc.Plus when I say" I cant come right now unless its an emergency" if that doesn't send a red flag... I feel so many more have worse issues then me, and many do, but I dont know how to juggle everything at once.. I tried it didnt work..
Anyways, my father is worse, he has fallen and on oxygen more, cant really function more then a couple hours in the morning, more chest pain, very weak. This is how he was before his heart surgery years ago, and surgeon said if he waited one more month he would be dead. But, he doesn't qualify for surgery again... so this is it with my dad now?
I have no one else to talk to, so I came here. I know its not the same as an actual person, I just wanted to vent , cry, and be with people who understands what Im going through. Most Priests/Therapists have no clue because they are trained to say the right thing to say or maybe they have experienced a little.. and some do try to understand and help.. its just different here. You all get it.
And.. if anyone read my" book" I just wrote, thank you