Well, I know I said I wouldn't be back unless something new came up and all is about the same, of course more drama of care and money as well as mental status of my kids. I am far from a great or even good cook, its edible and thats it. Once in a blue moon a miracle happens a meal is actually good. But once again, I get ragged on about my cooking, me not having a sparkling house heck so much as happened over the last 6 years. My house is ok, but lots of kids stuff, clutter etc. It doesn't shine.

Anyways, my grandfather is putting me down again today, how my kids are not like the other kids that he knows. Well, my kids have been spoiled yes, never helps...BUT one has Bipolar or something ( not diagnosed yet) only Diagnoses ADHD/Sleep Issues/Violence/ODD " Oppositional Defiant Disorder".. and wanting me dead "says I hope you die" , "he will kill me" when mad at me. Then all sudden so sweet? And the other is always wanting to be playing games and not interacting with anyone ..doesn't show emotions and this is way before I took on more of a role with grandfather. Mental illness does run in family and nothing bad happened to them, they are well loved and cared for.

I said in a reply to someone Im walking away full time and I am.. I have no choice. I should be with grandpa now but I just cant with the issues at home right now.. he has to realize he needs more "sitters"/"help". Not only does it upset my grandfather with all this going on but I have to handle my kids. Then my grandfather says " your kids need you, its ok, im ok.". then gets sarcastic and says" oh if you cant handle it" How would you handle a job? Good point... its called if I had a job, I can have a daycare or sitter come to the house for my son while my grandfather pays for his own care during the day!!!

It was mentioned a job is maybe not a good idea right now because I have everything paid for.. I dont have medical nor can they afford it for me. Haven't been to a Dr in several years.. and cancer runs in my family as well as other issues..I have some issues like Acid Reflux, bad teeth, other personal issues.. I cant wait to even look after they are dead for custody reasons too, and I wont have money to pay the bills once they die, it stops that day they die. So I and my kids will be homeless and needing a place within a week or less. So I have to have a backup,Its time I get a job anyways! Im way past my young hip days or whatever they call it now. The money that they pay for our bills is their money and they need it for their care. There's so many rules on decisions that many feel Im not "mature" enough to handle.. hello.. Ive grown up...have kids etc... they feel Im good enough to care my grandfather ( under same breath I still mess up in their eyes..guess mine too) but no other trust :(

I was told by an old "friend" to lie to my grandfather and say everything is fine so he stays calm.. ya well, it cant always happen that way, people talk , neighbors talk etc etc.Plus when I say" I cant come right now unless its an emergency" if that doesn't send a red flag... I feel so many more have worse issues then me, and many do, but I dont know how to juggle everything at once.. I tried it didnt work..

Anyways, my father is worse, he has fallen and on oxygen more, cant really function more then a couple hours in the morning, more chest pain, very weak. This is how he was before his heart surgery years ago, and surgeon said if he waited one more month he would be dead. But, he doesn't qualify for surgery again... so this is it with my dad now?

I have no one else to talk to, so I came here. I know its not the same as an actual person, I just wanted to vent , cry, and be with people who understands what Im going through. Most Priests/Therapists have no clue because they are trained to say the right thing to say or maybe they have experienced a little.. and some do try to understand and help.. its just different here. You all get it.

And.. if anyone read my" book" I just wrote, thank you

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shakingdustoff, yes it was you and before I came on this site I already knew it would be crazy to add a job. But overall, handling my life and my grandfather was hard when I started. Its a 24/7 with grandpa. Basically the extra hours with grandpa is because he reuses to stay sitting when no one is there is and goes to the bathroom ( his legs are too weak to do that and his fall issue) So, a sitter to "guide him" or make sure he doesn't get up. Now add my dad to the mix who is very weak and cant hardly do anything. So yes , a lot.

But I refuse to also let my kids go homeless for a night and the same night I have no where to go or Im in a shelter, their father will sue for custody and Im not gonna let either happen. Sorry you were homeless :( Hopefully you never have to experience that again. I couldn't even imagine. Its time I prepare for my retirement which I lost so many years. besides...the level of care they will need in the next couple months or more will be too much by myself, I cant lift them anyways if need be. Plus, other issues.

Im glad you found discounts for yourself, that sure does help! I do have to slow down, your right. I dont sleep much and read something wrong and my grandpa yelled at me to have it written down in several places. Well I do, but when you have lost sleep for a couple days , stressed out and hardly know what your doing or how it got done because your exhausted, I looked at the week before. Grrr.

. Thank you :)
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GardenArtist, I do feel trapped in some ways. I like how you said that, I will say it the way you did and see what happens :) Thank you so much!
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Me1000, I've learned over the years that financial control is one of the most insidious methods by which a controlling person can dominate others. It's more long term, requires more effort on the part of the controlled person to extricate him/herself from the situation, and can appear to be given freely and generously. In the long run, it can create a mental prison.

If you try to alter the situation, such as encouraging him to go to VA long term care, he can use the financial support argument against you. That's the club he holds over you.

Then you counter with something to the effect that, "yes, you have been very generous with your financial support and because I'm so grateful I'm trying to reciprocate by helping you get the best care you can at this time of your life. And given that I'm financially dependent on you (hint, hint), that's no longer me - it's time for me to be financially independent and for you to get the professional care that I can't provide for you."

I think you'll find that might "take the wind out of his sails", at least momentarily.
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** oops "put your mind at ease" sorry
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pamstegman, I told my dad I cant handle both of you, and that either him/grandpa or both need care. He said he is fine and if he gets to where he cant get off the couch, he will call an ambulance and have them take him away to wherever. Yes, my grandpa is a VET and has help with misc things already from the VA, he flat out refuses care from anyone else other than me and his one caretaker. Dr appts he is considering to get someone else.. maybe that's a start. I have a teenager and 2nd grader, my 2nd grader is the the one with anger. We do have Drs he see's and he still needs further testing. He is on meds as well for ADHD and sleep issue. I am keeping a close eye on both of my kids. Im glad your sister is doing well at the shelter :) It helps but your mind at ease Im sure.

GardenArtist, I have been controlled by family all my life... but yet , he has came to my and my children's rescue financially (and yes, even sometimes emotionally ) countless times. I do love my grandfather but yes, its like " let me help or do this for you" and then it gets thrown in our face that he does nothing for himself and gives up everything for us because he loves us so much. We never let him go without and I am trying to get back on my feet. He would always tell me go to school... school work... but that messed me up, I should of worked at least part time all these years. Been done with school a long time but no job.. I look on and off and when I was caring for him full time recently I quit looking. But am starting again this week. We live close to him, he lives by himself but my kids( sometimes both) and I spend every night recently in case he needs someone. My father stays at our house ( GF owns also). Im thinking of telling him he needs someone a few times a week at night so I can be at home and take care of what needs to be taken care of. So at this point, he needs a live in or go to the VA home because the cost yikes. He had someone offer to care for him as long as he gave the person free room and board and a little spending money. A lot loss the the cost of the NH. He refused.
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Your grandfather sounds like a nasty, disagreeable person who enjoys manipulating and controlling you through insults alternated with pretended sympathy. I think the first thing I'd focus on is getting away from him.

It's not clear to me what your living situation is. Is GF living with you or are you and your children living in his house?
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I am listening Me1000. If dad can't have surgery and he is weaker, he CAN have Hospice. It is totally covered by Medicare (not Medicaid) and they will send aides to his house as he needs them. Call them, ask them to evaluate him. Every hour of help you get takes a little load off.
Grandpa is probably a WWII vet? So the VA can help him a LOT.
Your kids should be eligible for SSI due their disabilities. My sister is on SSI and lives independently in a group home, and has since she was 25. She has complete shelter, day services, transportation and med management. You are not getting any younger, so look into that if they are old enough.
Your son who is toying with the idea of killing you should not be ignored. He may be making similar threats to the sibling who is withdrawn, who has no way out of this mess. I don't remember their ages, I know teen years are really tough on them and on you. But please don't ignore those threats, if not for yourself then for your other child.
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