Why don't my 3 sisters help with 88 year old dad with dementia?
Five years ago when my dad was well but obviously unable to keep up with the house after my mom passed, my husband and I asked if my dad wanted to move in with us in our newly built home with his own "quarters" (bedroom, den and bathroom). He said "yes." Gradually we noticed that Dad started forgetting things and getting confused often. He would drive off on his own and forget how to get home. We would have to go find him, or someone would call from his phone saying he was disoriented. Now, he doesn't remember anything, not even to shower or change his clothes. My husband passed away a few months ago, so I'm the only one to "watch" him. I can't leave him alone because he leaves everything unlocked, leaves the stove burner on, tried to put metal in the microwave. I'm afraid he will blow up my house. He is unstable on his feet and could fall easily. I need to attend Grief Share meetings for the loss of my husband and I'm having a hard time getting my sisters to take care of Dad for the two-hours each week. They only live blocks away. One sister says it is my responsibility since I offered to have Dad live with me five years ago. They are always ready with an excuse why they can't help with Dad. I'm not well myself and I'm afraid soon I will need help myself. I just need to vent because I feel it is just so selfish and sad that my siblings are acting this way.
55 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- In all the world, time and money are two sides of the same coin. Siblings who offer neither but are generous with "gratitude" ...?
- How to deal with a sibling who is constantly critical of care provided to parent and yet provides mininal personal care himself?
- How do stop my only other sibling from harassing me?
- Family keep trying to force me into Support Worker role when out. I would put her in danger if declining. Any advice?
Your sister has no interest in supporting you through loss of your husband because - I don't know how to put it - she thinks you brought this on yourself?
Wow.
I don't think selfish quite covers it. I think I'd say vicious.
But never mind her, you have more important things to give your time and attention to, so I should look for support elsewhere and leave your sisters to themselves. Have you tried your Area Agency on Aging for advice about caregivers' resources?
I'm very sorry for your loss. Five months is no time at all. Please do feel free to vent, you're definitely among friends here.
I agree it's important to work on a better care plan for Dad. I agree that doing that is the OP's responsibility. Does that make it fair enough that the sisters are completely unmoved by her bereavement and unwilling to offer her a shadow of support at this time?
I think "buck up" is a bit harsh, in the circumstances.
Since your family has decided you are the scratching post it is up to you to disengage from them and their ignorance.
The POAs have all his daughters, equally, listed. I know I have to do what is best for Dad and what is best for me. I hate to see him lose his freedom. I have a beautiful yard and scenery which he loves to sit outside and enjoy. Those times are okay. It's when he realizes something is wrong with him that he gets frustrated and angry. There are a lot of safety issues and potentially hazardous situations that could have been disastrous if I hadn't caught them in time. That is why he can't be left alone anymore. I need "sitter" when I need to go to Grief Share meetings, doctor appointments, etc. I have a lot of emotional and physical issues I'm dealing with myself. It would be nice to have help.
They haven’t walked in my shoes.
Life teaches us.
My grandmother went to a nursing home with her mother in the late 1970’s.
I asked my Aunt, did you take her in?
She told me 2 weeks was all she could stand.
So, in 2019, who takes care of ageing parents?
Assisted living?
To the tune of no less than $3600/month.
Siblings who ignore, not their problem, blame game you.....” You took him in, this is your problem???????”
Take comfort in we all answer to a higher power when HE decides we leave this Earth.
I am not a religious fanatic, but I am certain we have to answer for all decisions we made.
Did we do our best, did we give as much of us as possible, were we kind?
You should be able to rest your body every single night for the rest of your life, if you did your best.
I know my conscience.
That is all that matters.
God knows the rest.
If dad has any money now is the time to get assistance for him and you.
Your sisters have shown you their true colors at the worst time possible. Believe them and grieve the loss of your sisters as well as your husband.
Hire a caregiver and start taking care of you. Hopefully dad has lots of money and you can use every penny to ensure you are both cared for.
Hugs!
I attended Grief Share meetings after my Mom died in September 2018, but I found that I had some unresolved issues of anger that I needed to take care before I could benefit fully from the Grief Share meetings so I dropped out after 6 meetings. I plan to attend the meetings again next year.
Your sister refuses to "babysit" her Dad so that you can go to the Grief Share meetings? Does she come to your house to visit her Dad at all? Or has she handed over ALL responsibility--including loving her Dad--to you alone? How sad for your Dad, for you and for your sister. Apparently there is some history between you and your sister that is getting in the way of her willingness to visit or babysit "HER DAD".
Contact the local Area Agency on Aging for assistance with finding additional caregivers and home health aides. Have the AAA do a "Needs Assessment" of your Dad.
Your Dad's behavior is getting dangerous for both of you. Although you might not want to consider it, it might be time for your dad to live in a long term care facility or Memory Care unit since he is getting so forgetful and doing activities that can cause fires, etc. and cannot be left alone anymore.
I wish my sisters would be more understanding and compassionate. However, it is all about "them" and what they are going through. Life is about giving and sacrificing. It is difficult and takes a lot of love. We had such a beautiful mother who gave so much and sacrificed all the time for others. You'd think they would want to emulate her. It's not just me...they have problems with others as well.
Get to an attorney NOW.
Take control.
News flash.....your siblings are living their lives and letting you deal with it!!!!
I know!!!!
Going through exactly the same!!!
My best advice. No sugar coat from all previous answers.
It is what it is. Wake up.
Unfortunately, her father seems incompetent and what is an attorney supposed to do? He probably cannot understand and sign for a durable power of attorney.
I agree that it's time for your father to live in a facility and not in your home. I think the lack of support from your sisters is almost the least of your problems. The fact that you are living with a person who is dangerous and emotionally abusive to you and that you're in a particularly fragile condition having just suffered the loss of your husband, that's the core issue. It's time to move him out. Please take care of yourself. You matter too.