Why don't my 3 sisters help with 88 year old dad with dementia?

Wow.

Your sister has no interest in supporting you through loss of your husband because - I don't know how to put it - she thinks you brought this on yourself?

Wow.

I don't think selfish quite covers it. I think I'd say vicious.

But never mind her, you have more important things to give your time and attention to, so I should look for support elsewhere and leave your sisters to themselves. Have you tried your Area Agency on Aging for advice about caregivers' resources?

I'm very sorry for your loss. Five months is no time at all. Please do feel free to vent, you're definitely among friends here.

I am so sorry for your loss.

If dad has any money now is the time to get assistance for him and you.

Your sisters have shown you their true colors at the worst time possible. Believe them and grieve the loss of your sisters as well as your husband.

Hire a caregiver and start taking care of you. Hopefully dad has lots of money and you can use every penny to ensure you are both cared for.

Hugs!

I am sorry about the loss of your husband.  I am glad that you are attending Grief Share meetings.  They can be so helpful in coping with the death of a loved one.

I attended Grief Share meetings after my Mom died in September 2018, but I found that I had some unresolved issues of anger that I needed to take care before I could benefit fully from the Grief Share meetings so I dropped out after 6 meetings.  I plan to attend the meetings again next year.

Your sister refuses to "babysit" her Dad so that you can go to the Grief Share meetings?  Does she come to your house to visit her Dad at all?  Or has she handed over ALL responsibility--including loving her Dad--to you alone?  How sad for your Dad, for you and for your sister.  Apparently there is some history between you and your sister that is getting in the way of her willingness to visit or babysit "HER DAD".

Contact the local Area Agency on Aging for assistance with finding additional caregivers and home health aides.  Have the AAA do a "Needs Assessment" of your Dad. 

Your Dad's behavior is getting dangerous for both of you.   Although you might not want to consider it, it might be time for your dad to live in a long term care facility or Memory Care unit since he is getting so forgetful and doing activities that can cause fires, etc. and cannot be left alone anymore.

Thank you for your help. It just gets so difficult. I'm already very vulnerable, emotionally and physically, and to be verbally abused by my Dad (berated and cursed at), it's just very hurtful. He is so sweet and nice to my younger sisters who don't do much to help him out at all. I just can't take it any more.

If your dad is being abusive to you, it may be time to put him in a facility. No excuses or reasons are acceptable to abuse someone that is in the midst of a huge loss, never okay, but especially despicable during this time.

Since your family has decided you are the scratching post it is up to you to disengage from them and their ignorance.

Buck up.
Get to an attorney NOW.
Take control.
News flash.....your siblings are living their lives and letting you deal with it!!!!
I know!!!!
Going through exactly the same!!!
My best advice. No sugar coat from all previous answers.
It is what it is. Wake up.

I just read below that your father is currently not only quite helpless and quite dangerous, but that he is also abusive. While he isn't in complete control of his faculties, and I am not "blaming him", I think that your sisters may have made the more wise decision. Does someone have the POA for either health, financial or both? And is that someone you? Because I fear it is now, for your own safety, time that you father is placed in care. You are a loving daughter, and can visit. There is a tiny chance that your sisters will visit once they don't feel they will be roped into the care of someone who is a bit abusive. But perhaps not, and whatever the case, you do not need to sacrifice yourself, your life, your health for your father. With as long as people live today some of our elders are aged while we ourselves are aging, and less and less able to help. It is sad, but life is full of sadness. Worth grieving over. But not worth sacrificing your life to.

Why not place him in AL, he obviously has issues. I think your sisters are trying to make a point, you accepted the responsibility so deal with it. Keeping him in your home is not the answer, you need to let professional clinically trained people deal with him, you are in over your head.

Sorry, is everyone just ignoring the point that the OP lost her husband - her husband died - a few months ago?

I agree it's important to work on a better care plan for Dad. I agree that doing that is the OP's responsibility. Does that make it fair enough that the sisters are completely unmoved by her bereavement and unwilling to offer her a shadow of support at this time?

I think "buck up" is a bit harsh, in the circumstances.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. You need time and respite to grieve and you aren't getting any support from your sisters so it makes it even more difficult.
I don't know the dynamics of your family, but would it be possible to call a family gathering/meeting with your sisters? Perhaps you could sit down civilly and all explain your various perspectives and you could ask for more support?
I know some families are capable of civil discourse. Some.
{{{hugs}}} to you

Does your dad have a POA in place?  You and he need this now!!  Does he have money to pay for care?   You need some relief - if not from your siblings, then from in home care or assisted living.  Would adult day care work for you?  Even under the best of circumstances, you will need help with his care.  If you don't, your mental and physical health will take a huge toll.  Council on Aging or like agency is a good place to start. 
Hope you find some relief soon.  So sorry you are dealing with this alone.

OMG - I am so sorry for the situation you're in, Norie, as well as for the loss of your husband. Unless there's more that you haven't stated, I doubt that your sisters are validly trying to make a point. If you were arguing, over their objections, that you must keep Dad at home, and they were telling you you're on your own with that, maybe I'd think they had a point. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I think your sisters' excuses are ridiculous, but they need to make them because they're not willing to help and they have to explain it somehow. For what it's worth, siblings who don't want to contribute often make excuses like this. They'll use any rationale, however flimsy, to offload the responsibility to someone else.

I agree that it's time for your father to live in a facility and not in your home. I think the lack of support from your sisters is almost the least of your problems. The fact that you are living with a person who is dangerous and emotionally abusive to you and that you're in a particularly fragile condition having just suffered the loss of your husband, that's the core issue. It's time to move him out. Please take care of yourself. You matter too.

I empathize with you with you, I have 6 siblings who have their own issues,work family obligations,etc, etc. I hope that you will be able to find Respite services or Home Care through this website.

NorieV, I am very sorry for both of your losses, the passing of your husband and the slow loss of the man that was your father. My heart goes out to you and hurts for you because of the way your sisters treat you. You ask for help and they have more excuses than grains of sand on a beach. Their narcissistic behavior saying that you deserve to take care of him by yourself because you chose to move him in when he was able to function, so now this is your punishment speaks volumes. I know you are looking at in home care for him but would it be better for him to be in a memory care facility for his safety and yours too? You said something about your health is on a downswing and with all of the turmoil and stress you have gone thru recently would have added to it. If he is to the point where he is a danger to you and himself maybe you can get a hospice evaluation done? If he doesn't qualify just yet they do have a great handle on what programs are available. Their social worker is a fount of information and knowledge. Sorry to say your siblings are not going to change, they will remain self centered, only in it for the money and themselves. I live it daily, it's not going to change. Easy to say ignore it but hard to do when it's family. I have gotten to the point with SILS that I don't even bother asking any longer for help with MIL. When questioned about why we didn't tell them xyz, I now respond that if they want to know,maybe they should be more involved in her care. Usual answer is crickets. They will be there with hands out for their share of assets when the time comes.Take care of you, take care (find care) of your father be it in your home or elsewhere. Do not berate yourself if you need to place him somewhere for his safety and yours.I know that in the future we will need to make the same difficult decision. Our outlook is that once it becomes a safety issue or she needs more care than I can medically give MIL, we will have no choice but to place her in a safer environment. NOT because they are not loved, but because they are loved and we want them safe and taken care of when we are unable to do so. This does not mean that they will be "abandoned", just not sleeping under your roof. In this way you have peace of mind and can focus on both of your needs, taking time to grieve, attend meetings, take care of yourself medically, yet still visit with him and see him as often as you want. I wish I had a better answer, or better yet a magic wand.

I know persons on this site think I am heartless...not true.
They haven’t walked in my shoes.
Life teaches us.
My grandmother went to a nursing home with her mother in the late 1970’s.
I asked my Aunt, did you take her in?
She told me 2 weeks was all she could stand.
So, in 2019, who takes care of ageing parents?
Assisted living?
To the tune of no less than $3600/month.
Siblings who ignore, not their problem, blame game you.....” You took him in, this is your problem???????”
Take comfort in we all answer to a higher power when HE decides we leave this Earth.
I am not a religious fanatic, but I am certain we have to answer for all decisions we made.
Did we do our best, did we give as much of us as possible, were we kind?
You should be able to rest your body every single night for the rest of your life, if you did your best.
I know my conscience.
That is all that matters.
God knows the rest.

If Dad has any income from social security or savings, have a meeting with sisters/family, that you will now need to use funds for a home care aide. Clearly outline and document all monies used to care for dad. It is best to get an aide now while Dad is still able to understand. An aide will allow you some time to care for yourself and take care of dad at home. From what I read, it appears that you really want Dad to stay with you but you rightfully need help. Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Is there short term emergency respite you can access for Dad? Eg if you broke your leg, where would he go?

If he is safely looked after (in short term immediate care) you can start to breathe, get more advice & start to plan.

While it appears very selfish of your sisters, I was wondering if maybe they know they cannot actually do the physical caring & this will speed Dad into a longer term care arrangement? Have they offered other help in other ways? Like researching care facilities?

It would certainly help the situation if they could communicate better why their assistance has not being given. How they communicate this may just save your relationship with each of them.

I hope your family can pull together over this. If not, keep reaching out to gain support from other places. (((Hugs)))

NorieV I'm so pleased to read your update! That's a great step forward, I hope it goes really well for you and your father.

NorieV, same as CM, so pleased to read your update!

NorieV, I am so happy you have found some help. As you say, one day at a time. Thank goodness there will be time for you. Hugs and best wishes, keep us updated on how you are doing.

It's amazing how selfish people can be. Passing the buck. America's favorite pastime it seems. Don't hold your breath waiting for them to suddenly become unselfish. I did that with my sibs and all it got me was blue in the face.

If I could go there and slap them for you I would.

Because they are selfish b.tches who have huddled together like the witches from Macbeth Did you get a monetary gain from taking your father in or do they think you will. Sounds like money is at the bottom of this. It usually is. Get your father into care and look after yourself.

Read your update and am glad you found a solution! Just wanted to give you my condolences for the loss of your husband.

Many of us feel this way.

My siblings also did not help. At all.

Only one lived close and I would take my parents to visit her because she wouldn’t even make the drive.

On Facebook, you might have thought my siblings were the caregivers. The photos, the loving sentiments! I learned to regard it as “Fakebook.” They couldn’t be bothered to actually visit - they were too busy snapping photos of their pets and dinner plate!

Now my parents are gone. The siblings were terrible for the funerals. Some didn’t even come - complained it was ”inconvenient” despite the fact that I secured all their availability before scheduling. (It turns out there was a major televised sporting event the prior day that showcased their hometown team).

Such misguided priorities!

You would not believe how eager and greedy they turned after my parents’ death. I now see them as hyenas.

My parents knew who loved them. I made up for the others.

I have two sisters who don’t live near but they won’t visit their father because he upsets them based on their past relationship with him. Yet they will be at his funeral and expecting their equal share of inheritance. It just floors me. Luckily I have one sister who will come up once a month and is the other POA. I’m thankful for her support. I’m sorry you don’t have loving and empathetic sisters. I don’t care what their issues are, but to not come sit with him for an hour or two so you can go to your grief support is unconscionable.
I am sorry you are dealing with their lack of support, your dad's decline, and your husband’s death. I too would suggest looking into memory care for him so you can be his daughter and not caregiver in the home. I know how hard it is to take verbal abuse as I’ve been on the end of that. And yes, the one who are caregivers normally take the brunt. It is hurtful. Always remind yourself it’s not him it’s his diseased brain. I hope you will be better soon with the in home help you’ve hired. I would use that time to meet a friend over coffee or lunch too besides the support meeting.

First this is just my opinion...But I understand what your going thru. My mom lived with me and made me promise I wouldn't take her to a nursing home. Even Hospice ask her on her dying bed if she wanted to go and she said NO..Yes, she screamed.. None of my 5 siblings who all but 1 live within an hour ever visited, ever offered to take her to dialysis, ever offered anything at all. I watched her sit on the side of her bed crying wondering what she had done wrong to make her kids hate her so much. I don't think it was they hated her, I think it was they loved themselves more...so they didn't visit at all unless I literally begged. I think the sooner you can accept they are not going to help and move on, the better you will be. Sounds cruel I know, but I've seen it too many times. Once one "good child" starts to care, the rest back off and do nothing... Again IMO.....

Now I want to share something I learned during my ordeal. Maybe it can help you. My dad was in the military. The government will actually pay you to take care of your dad (or his surviving spouse) if you are his caregiver. I had to get his DD214 (retirement papers from military) I then talked with the military (I forget which office) but they had me fill out the paperwork. It does take months, but the sooner you get started the sooner you will start to get some relief and can pay someone to stay with your dad. You will need to show the military where your dad pays you for caring for him. So start having him write you checks. Keep copies of those canceled checks because you will need them. He needs to pay you a fair price, nothing crazy too high or too low. Now what you actually do with that money is up to you. I gave my mothers back to her I just needed the canceled check. We actually lived off both our incomes so it really didn't matter who's money it was, it was all out together to pay the bills. Im on disability and she was retired so it took everything.

My last coversation with the VA was that we had been approved but it could take 90 days to get a check. Unfortunately that conversation happened about 30 days before mom passed. I knew she was getting worse and didn't have much time so I told the guy to forget it because she would be dead in 30 days and she did pass within a couple weeks. Point is don't waste time, get started NOW it does take months to get approved but the amount of money I would have collected would have eased a LOT of stress on the both of us since we had to count pennies literally. I don't think I would mention this to your siblings as all this will do is give them even more of a reason to depend on you because now your getting paid to care for him so they will never come back around.

Forgive my poor spelling and grammar as it's kinda early for me and I don't do too well until my med's kick in.

Good Luck and God Bless.

i think this link might help or at least get you started.
https://www.military.com/benefits/veterans-health-care/new-va-family-caregiver-program.html

You are a saint, and I'm sorry to hear that you are getting no help from your sisters.
If you can speak with a social worker, there may be resources available for you from the government. Some areas have elder care where they pick up seniors and take them to activities for a few hours. Others have assistance where they will send an aide to your house. It sounds like your father is not able to handle stoves, cars, etc. If he wanders, you may have to put alarms on your doors. Has his doctor assessed his condition? Medicare may pay for some of it.

You could write a book about why siblings don't help. Jobs, kids, distance away are real concerns that should be respected. Perhaps they don't know how to help. Then there's the "ick" factor of personal care. Perhaps they don't like being bossed by you (I've been there). If they won't come try hiring a sitter and sending them the bill.

Why should they? You are doing it lol. With my siblings, both live about an hr away. One comes for an hour on the weekend if he isn’t golfing, the other comes once a week for a couple hours but not if something else comes up ( her husband currently is undergoing chemo so while they can go to visit their kids 5 hrs away, can’t come an hr away) . I am basically housebound due to over 30 yrs of chronic medical problems and can’t do more that take her to some dr appointments so it ends up being my husband who does most. But it’s not going to change. Before I had both my stepfather ( Alzheimer’s)and my mother but it literally almost killed me so I can’t do it any longer.
Moral to the story, don’t do what I did. Take care of yourself first even if it means an assisted living facility for your parent. Your family will not step up and you may ruin your health.

Somewhat similar here.  Husband passed, one year later almost to the day my dad become seriously ill, couldn't walk, had sepsis poisoning that caused dementia type behavior for a year.  I took my dad in, broke my heart to see him like that, he'd helped us such much when my husband was ill and passing.  At this point dad has been living with me on year 6, I'm lucky that he's markedly better in mind set than he was, except physical age is catching up fast, heart problems and cancer.  I've had little help over this six years,  and none from my one sibling.  I could go on and on and vent about that sibling, pretty much just think of your worst nightmare with a sibling and I've had it.  Physically threatened me and our dad, attempted lawsuit, dad threatened.  He lived off our dad for years and years, so when dad moved in with me, he couldn't get to dads funds, he tried though.  Even with all this, at this point if my dad developed dementia to the level you describe with your dad, I would find the nearest best facility and I would admit him, I would be there every day at different times for a visit to check on him, which I have done when he's gone into the hospital or skilled over the years, but yes, that is what I would do.  I don't believe you would need any siblings permission either to do this given the physical state he is in, just have his doctor evaluate him and refer him to a facility, also not knowing what your dad's legal paperwork is, but everybody should have it legally lined out a DPOA for medical and financial, and you at this point should be that person, if not you should get an attorney to line that out so you can do this, a good attorney can and will get this done for you.  Believe me, it's not going to get better or easier and even if he's in a facility care, decisions will still fall on you.  Again, you can have his doctor examine him and do a medical referral for a facility and you can tell your sibs his doctor did it if you need to do that.