Why does my mother bring out the worst in me???

Well they say as parents we either mirror our own parents behaviors, or we parent in the complete opposite direction...thank goodness I went 180* the other way. I remember hearing "you'll spoil the baby" comments from both my mother and my grandmother. My grandmother had 14 children (the duty of an irish catholic wife) - none of them were "wanted" -they were looked upon as another mouth to feed during the depression. I suspect this is why my mother behaves the way she does - she doesn't "get" being close to your children or WANTING to spend time with them. My kids are over here all the time - my grandsons are here at least 3 times a week - I love spending time with them. My mother, on the other hand, sees them as an annoyance. Always telling them to be quiet...find something quiet to do. They couldnt' even enjoy their Christmas gifts because they were being too "noisy" (i.e. - excited and happy). My husband finally told her that if they bother her so much, he's sure his (deceased) mother would gladly trade places with her just for the chance to spend time with the great-grandchildren she never knew...he said "you don't even realize how lucky you are". That shut her up.

SUSHI:

The reason our parents push our buttons so easily is because they installed them. They know exactly where they are and what it takes to make us flip at the drop of a hat.

Needy people = entrapment, and it sounds like you are a prisoner in your own home because you've allowed her to rent space in your head and take over your house.

As gently as you can, let her know who's in charge and that she needs to "get with the program" lest other living arrangements are made. ... You're certainly nobody's doormat.

We are never going to change them, so I guess it's pointless in trying. What we ARE able to do, however, is break that pattern with our own kids and grandkids and hopefully they keep paying it forward from this point on. Maybe in a couple of generations, our families won't be dysfunctional anymore...haha! :op I'm just glad I found this board so I can vent about it...it really does feel good getting stuff off your chest instead of keeping it bottled up! BTW - My mom has been remarkably mild-mannered this week and I have actually enjoyed her company at dinner AND she didn't complain about the food tonight either...hmm...she must not be feeling well...haha (just kidding).

Purplesushi, it's not just a mother daughter thing. We men can have the same issues. It's a parent child thing, and I've noticed it with my kids when they come home (they are all adults now). I notice that many of the same factors that were a part of our relationships then are part of them now. We all revert to them. I see it happening so I really go out of my way to avoid my instinctive behaviors. My wife on the other hand does not. My kids see her do it, but they don't see themselves doing it until I point it out and say, we're all adults now, so let's not do this. I will cook for you but mom and I are not your maids.

There was a tendency towards that with my folks as well, and after my Dad moved in here and we had to change directions on that before we got into personal conflicts. I will say however, that my Dad was the sweetest guy, always anxious in his dementia to please others and thank us profusely, and really would try to change. He just couldn't remember to change for more than 3 minutes, so it had the same effect as him being unwilling to change.

The point is to take concrete steps to change whatever relationship you have, one step at a time. Do not buy into the baits and do something to get the behaviors you need changed. I don't know if this is going down the right path or if some or any of these things would be a good start, but:

1) Mom, if you bend over and dislocate that hip, it's going to cause you a lot of pain and trouble. We are both adults so I'm not going to tell you what to do, but if you do it again, you will cause yourself lots of pain and again spend lots of very lonely time in a recovery facility - your choice.

2) Mom, I don't have time to rinse out your clothes today so I need you to do it... or... Mom, neither of us like it when I ask you to do things for yourself and I know you don't like being treated like a child, but I need you to be rinsing out your soiled garments. I know it's unpleasant for you but it's also unpleasant for me.

3) Mom, I know you have a lot of health issues and appreciate that. But I suspect and am very happy that you will probably be here with us for a long time. However, I'm not 20 yrs old anymore either and don't have the energy or time that I once did. I am glad that you are here where I can help take care of you, but I need you to be as independent as you can be for as long as you can be. Here are some things that you can do that will help me and that I need you to do.

4) Mom, I'm not looking for an argument. I'm just looking for some help and I know you can do that for me. Can I count on you?

Don't wait for her to volunteer to take care of herself. Tell her what you need from her and treat her like any other adult. The parent-teen dynamic is an automatic thing that kicks in without intending to. Change isn't easy and will take time, so be patient. And remember that your mom has been in the same personality rut far longer than you have and may take longer to change those habits.

I know how you feel. I feel so guilty sometimes about how I am with her. I am trying not to treat her like a child but that what she says she feels like. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and walking on egg shells but then it really has always been this way with her . I finally called her primay care doctor and he ordered a PT, OT and a medical social worker. Hopefully, it will get better, Now we are enjoying exercising together. I hope you will have a great new year. Take care of yourself okay. Take a bubble bath they help me a lot.

Lavender123- no worries. I do understand the loss of control and loneliness. For some though, they are reaping a lifetime of selfish behavior. It is hard to muster up a lot of compassion when one has been so nasty and neglectful of others their whole lives. It makes it that more infuriating when they show zero appreciation for what you are doing for them. MIL has never had any interest in her children or grandchildren. She is down right mean to the grandchildren, and always has been. One of the siblings died in an accident, leaving teen children with no parents. Understandably, a very troubling time. MIL's only reaction what to reclaim some family items she had given sibling (mostly junk). No hugs or I love you's for the children left with nothing. She has since not even sent a birthday card. They are now young adults and doing well, but we were the ones who helped them through it- without even moral support from MIL. So, when she boo hoos that none of the grandchildren call her or are interested in her history- who could blame them. I really wish I could be more sympathetic, but I am not. A lifetime of narcissistic behavior has caught up with her.

Purplesushi- it is sad. I am sad for my children as my mother passed away when they were young. This is their "grandmother experience", which is so different than my own. I feel sad for my husband, who tries so hard to please someone who will never be pleased. On the positive side, her emotionally absent parenting resulted in him being a very involved, enthusiastic father. He is 1000 times the parent she ever was. When she critizes his parenting and is so condescending to him, I want to scream. I assume she is borderline, or more appropriately- over the line :). I wish I could feel sad for her. I know something must have happened in her life to cause her to be so miserable, but there is nothing I can do about that. I am not willing to continue to subject my family to the negative atmosphere she seems to enjoy, especially minor children. This is their home, and it is feeling more like a prison. JessieBelle- you described her parenting philosophy to a T. I remember when we had our first. She scolded me for holding our 5 day old baby too much as she said the baby would think she was the center of my world. I never took any of her parenting advice seriously after that. Thanks for letting me vent.

Purplesushi- good for your husband! Yeah- MIL seems confused and annoyed by our desire to spend time wih our children. We have some friends we go out with regularly, and the young adult children from all families usually go out with us. She was completely confused by this. Told my my husband that she would never invite her children to go out with her friends (I have never known her to have any). Not only would they not be invited, they would not be welcome. So sweet.

Hi. Reading your dilemma, Purplesushi, prompted me to drop a post here also. I have a long story getting to the point I'm at now so I wont go into that, but at present I have both elderly parents, (Father 92, Mother 87) in rest home care. They have been there for nearly 4 years in a room together, with their own toilet. They have had to use a 'shared' shower down the hall from their room, and they go to a dining room for their meals. Basically, they have hated every moment of being there. My mother has Alzheimers disease, and is not happy to be there, but she manages to be reasonably cheerful at times. I guess she forgets all that brought them to the place they find themselves in. She is relatively spritely and faster than my Dad to move around. My Dad on the other hand, is very frail has a pacemaker and prostate cancer. He also suffers from a deep endogenous depression with paranoiac tendancies. Although he has been on medication to try and help stabilize his mood, he remains dark and his attitude is quite frankly selfish (yet in saying that, I still admire that he has stuck by my Mother, and continues to want to be there with her despite the fact they don't get on too well anymore). He hates being there the most, out of the two of them. I feel that I have had a great level of patience and tolerance for him since being in there, because I know it is totally not his nature to be 'around people'. They were both very private and independent people and going into this situation has upset them greatly. My Mother still keeps asking every time we talk when they will go home or referring to "When we get out of this place". Many alternatives were suggested to my Father, but he refused every single alternative which might have given them some sense of privacy and independence back. Would not accept home help etc. Where I'm going with this, is to say that I too find myself thinking the same sorts of things that you have. For me, EVERY time I pick them up to take them out for the day (which I usually do at least once a week - bring them to my house, give them lunch and dinner, then drop them back, so that they have a 'break' from institutionalization) I have Dad in my ear complaining about every single thing. At first I use to listen deeply to his concerns, and try to fix anything that could be fixed, but soon learned that absolutely everything I try to do seemed to only cause him to feel worse, when in a 'normal' situation, it would surely make a person feel good that someone cared and was helping them. Not my Dad - he felt trying to fix anything would incite staff to hate them (paranoia!). I use to make mental 'excuses' for him, saying to myself that being there was so foreign for both of them, plus he's having to cope with seeing my Mum slowly deteriorating with her Alz. However, it's been nearly 4 years since they first went into care, and nothing has changed. If anything, it seems worse now. I had him referred back to the psychiatrist to see if they thought a change in meds might help stabilize his mind. He does a lot of repetitive vocalizing with a couple of phrases over and over, and this drives my Mother nuts (and wears me very thin too), but the psychiatrist seemed to think that may be caused by a failure in his aging brain, which mean's certain thoughts become almost like a reflex reaction. So we are really no better off. My main point in relation to your post is that I find it so very hard to try and remain reasonable, kind, calm, and understanding. I have done my very best to always try to see things from their perspective and perhaps be more tolerant because of that, but I find lately my ability to be that way seems to fade in and out. I have moments when I verbally 'snap' at my Father, because he frustrates me so much with his negativity! I just want an ounce of co-operation or even a smile to start the day, but no! When I do lose my cool, I feel so very bad afterwards about it! I say to myself, how can you 'snap' at a 92 year old for god's sake! That is so wrong! It just seems he's always down on everything, and I hear the same barrage of woe and despair over and over and the same complaints over and over. Whenever I turn up to pick them up for a day out, you'd think I might get a cheerful hello and a sense of them looking forward to their day away, but the first thing I get is a string of negative comments about the rest home or anything else that comes into conversation I get the same thing throughout the day and then again when I drop them back in the evening. I have always listened carefully to what they tell me, because I've read of horrible stories of folks being in rest home care and being sometimes physically or mentally abused by caregivers in institutions, so I have been very 'tuned' and observant of how things are run and what is being said. However, my Father just seems to 'hate' everything and distrusts everyone. It has worn me right down to my 'sensitive bone', and like you commented, I too hate the person it seems to have made me become. I'm normally upbeat and cheeful, but my life seems to have this negative cloud that sticks to me now. Where I use to spend time talking and laughing with them both, it seems my Dad can't even string a coherent sentence together now and that makes me sad. All he does is sit around going "oh my god" over and over, yet when he focuses on something, like a book or the news, he seems fine mentally - he is able to make a sentence when he needs to, but for the most part it's just a couple of words then nothing. It's all so hard because my heart wants to take him out of care and let him have his much loved privacy back but I know the reality is they would not cope, so this is pretty much the last league of their journey they are on, and I came to a realization that it's myself that needs to somehow adjust my thinking and perspective in order to cope with both of their mental declines and their moods. I use to think ...If I do this, or do that....they will feel better. But I think I recognize that, that's not going to happen now. If only there were a way of coping better with the sense of loss that cannot be avoided. It's the hardest journey to watch those you love declining at the end of their lives and to know there is nothing more you can do to help them. My kindest wishes to you, and anyone else trying to understand and cope with this sort of situation. Each one is unique, and I guess each way of finding the solutions and mechanisms to cope are different. There's not a 'one size fits all' answer I'm afraid. :( Hugs to you all regardless! Hang in there!

Our parents install those buttons that makes us feel that way,I believe.My mother is a challenge also,she won't take her meds,throws dirty tp in the wastepaper basket instead of the toilet,won't shower and hoards food fro her shopping expeditions with my sister.She then eats junk all day and is sick.However,I have come to realize its the dementia,and I am not angry at her.She would never do this in her younger days,well most of it,lol.You need more time for you,out of the house,or maybe get her out so you can be alone:) My sister is supposed to be helping me and she has not been giving me any time alone.We all need it! Big hugs to you