Hi, I need some advice. I love my mom dearly. I have been taking care of her every need for the last 8 years. It's always been her & I until these lsat 2 years (we now live my my fiancée and his son). She has lost a lot more independence during this time, but I still do a great job with her; I work from home, I change her, feed her, hang out with her, etc.... Her passive aggressive comments are really getting to me. She even now rolls her eyes at me when we go out for an hour or so. Even tonight when it's a wedding errand. She says I should make plans around when my sister can come watch her (which is never by the way). I told her I thought it was unfair, our entire lives revolve around her. It's always the same reaction from her .... "go some other time" "is it that important" "what if the house catches on fire," etc... I just don't know how not to let her guilt trip effect me when I walk out the door because I end up having a miserable time when I leave OR rush to get home, which is really not good for my relationship. Are there any magic words I can say to her to make her more grateful for what I do and act and less entitled to my every moment?

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34michelle, is it safe to leave your mother alone for a few hours? Could she handle an emergency? If not, hire a granny sitter to be with her while you are out. Who should pay for this? She should, of course. Or at least she should be paying you enough for room and board that you can afford to hire this kind of help.

If she can safely be left alone, then leave her. Let her comments roll off your back. Will your mother continue to live with you after you are married? This could go on for decades and decades. Now is definitely the time to set boundaries.

I'm afraid a complicating factor here is that you began caring for your mother very very young. You never really established your independence and a separate life. It will be hard now to do that. But it is absolutely essential, for the success of your marriage.
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I hear you. My mother has been living with us for over 2 years now due to her many chronic issues - there was no way she could live on her own safely any longer, so we brought her here to live with us. It has not been easy! There are days that I feel like I am living in her home instead of the other way around! As with you, I feel like I can't leave my own house without getting questioned about every little thing I plan on doing or how long I'm going to be, etc. For common courtesy's sake, I do tell her I am leaving and about how long I'm going to be gone just so she doesn't worry, but I don't feel that I should have to answer where I am going or who I will be with, etc. (obviously if i"m going to the grocery or drug store i'll ask if she needs anything...i'm talking beyond that stuff) I haven't had to "check in" with my mother in over 30 years, for crying out loud! As for magic words?? Nope. She will always be your mother, and you will always be her daughter - and she will always see you as her little girl, no matter what.
It's funny, but when I ask my mom to please do this/don't do that/etc. - she doesn't listen to me. When MY HUSBAND asks her the same thing? BAM! It's like God himself spoke to her & she is right on it! I think it is that generational thing...he's the "man of the house", so she gives him that respect...and I'm left feeling like chopped liver. I try not to let it get to me though, as long as she listens to SOMEONE, that's really the main objective. I have had the "boundary" talk with her on more than one occasion (I don't need my mom folding our underwear/making our bed/ etc.) - I think she just wants to help and wants to be needed, which is fine, but again...boundaries. Unfortunately, she shoots down all other suggestions on things to do & complains about everything under the sun, which seriously drains the life out of me. I don't know. Sorry for rambling... I wish there was a magic word or two, that's for sure! Good luck!
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I totally feel your pain. However, I do not know of any magic words....wish I did!! I have the same problem with my MIL and we over time just had to set boundaries and try to have some kind of normal life even if it's for a very short time. And yes, I still have guilt at times however, I have to remind myself that we still have and need a life besides caring for her. We always make sure she has everything she needs and we are never far from home for to long. Good luck with your Mom and try to enjoy a little time for you and your other need that!!!! God bless!! K
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