My 85 year old father lived in my Grandmother's home after she died per her living trust. He was allowed to live there as long as he wanted. My Uncle finally got fed up with having to come fix everything for him because he can't do anything himself.
He let the house fall apart, would deficate in empty potato chip bags and dispose of them in the garbage because the septic was no longer working. He could not use the bathtub because it leaked. The house was in deplorable condition and he was afraid the house was going to be red tagged.
In December I moved him in with me. What a mistake that was. We do not get along at all. He was the baby of 8 and I think all his life everyone has been made to feel sorry for "poor old Paul."
For some reason he thinks he is here for me to wait on and cater to. He is in pretty good shape for being an ex smoker and a raging drunk, but says he is worse off than I think he is.
When I would come home for lunch he has been sitting in the chair all morning waiting for me to come home and make him lunch. I joked one day, "when are you going to make me lunch?". He replied "that will be the day". I have no respect and do not like this man I have living in my home.
I do not have any fond memories of my dad. He was a raging alcoholic when growing up. I remember the smell of stale beer always in my mom and dad's room, helping carry him into the house because he was to drunk to walk. I remember him crying when he would get drunk and tell me, "you have no idea what a terrible childhood I have had". But when I talked to him about this of course he does not remember any of it. He says he was a good father and I need to seek professional help that I am conjuring up stories. He says anyone that knows him knows that's not true. He used to leave my sister and I in the car while he went into the bar and drank for hours.
He would supposed to be home before my mom went to work on graveyard shift but was out drinking and my mom would have to call my aunt to drop us off at her house so my mom could go to work.
My husband remined me that my father would drink 3 or 4 beers before his nap to get ready for his swing shift job.
He hasn't drank in about 20 years, but he still plays the alcoholic blame game. Everything that has ever happened in his life has been someone else's fault.
Anyone that has helped him in his life he complains about. I figure he will tell everyone that will listen that I am a rotten daughter but I don't care anymore. I called my Uncle and he made me feel better telling me I don't have to put up with this. Maybe he should have moved in with my angelic sister who is also the baby of the family and always has needed some kind of assistance. He says she was bleeding him dry. I am sick of hearing how bad he has had it all his life and no one wants to help him anymore. He is a miserable person and is making me miserable right along with him.
I'm not sure what I expected when he moved in. Maybe to get to know me, his son in law and his two gransons that are now grown. He has never put forth any effort to have anything to do with us unless I called him.
I did not expect this cranky, angry, non-socialble bigot. He hates everyone. Foreigners are the problem with everything wrong in the world.
I found out from my sister, (after he moved in), that when I got married 31 years ago he complained to my sister he could not believe I married a Jew. When growing up we lived in a mostly Hispanic section of town and I was told if I ever hooked up with one of them he would disown me. I think after hearing my sister tell me that I don't want anything to do with him. If I would have know this he would have never moved in with us. I have no respect for this person who evidently does not like my husband but can come live with us and have my family support him. He seems to have no problem using anyone he can to get what he wants.
I had my two sons pitch in for a fishing license for his Christmas present. He opened the envelope, stuck the money in his wallet and didn't say a word.
He never says thank you, but expects me to hold his hand for everything or just do it for him.
He is not bad enough for a nursing home or cannot afford assisted living. He brings in $1038.00 from social security and takes $150.00 out of his pension. He pays me $400.00 a month to live here. Never has he offered any extra money to help out. ( I got laid off and am currently on unemployment).
His only surviving brother does not want him. My sister will not call me back to disuss any of this. I am at my wits end.
What am I going to do with him? Living here is no longer an option.

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To old . .. an added piece of info, the senior housing units near me have social workers on site most days for several hours. They enlist meals on wheels and food pantry services for their residents. They even have limited activities for the residents. It may be bingo or a holiday party hosted by a scouting group.
Helpful Answer (2)

I'm very sorry to hear what you have been going through. Its so tough with parents. I think deep down we all want to what we can but the reality is something different. We all hope for the best. At least you tried, my friend that is more than what most people would agree to.

I think given his age that is a natural worry that there is no one left in the world to care about him. At his age, it could be diabetes, high blood pressure, personality disorder, side effects of meds affecting his attitude.

Hopefully, the both of you can find an assisted living that he likes, it will make both your lives better. It is the right choice.

Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.
Helpful Answer (1)

"He is worried who is going to help him"?

It sounds, from your description, that your dad is mentally ill, at least to the extent that he has a personality disorder. That is very sad, not his fault, nor yours.

But here's the thing. You don't owe him a place to live or "help". We feed and house and clothe our children because they are our responsibility. The responsibility does not extend in the other direction, at least in my ethical world view.

Your father is an adult ( perhaps one who never had to stand on his own two feet much, but an adult nonetheless). As Geewiz says, get hold of your Area Agency on Aging and find out what is available in your area in terms of income-based senior housing. There's meals on wheels. There is adult day care/senior centers.
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Thanks for the advise I will definitely look into Geewiz's suggestion. I have talked to him and he has no problem moving out but is worried who is going to help him.
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Why did you let him in? Wishful thinking about finally bonding with him? Guilt? Denial?

The more relevant question is why are you continuing to let him be there? Glad to see that you are looking for ways out. Geewiz had a good, practical idea.

I suggest that you also look into the eviction procedures in your municipality. It may come to a show of force, even if you find him a suitable alternative -- he may simply refuse to move. Be ready to make it happen.
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Call your county office of aging and ask about senior housing. Typically there is housing available for low income seniors. Rent is a percentage of income. Don't even discuss this with your Dad. If there is a waiting list, put him on it. If there is a unit available, get him in it. Sorry but that is the only idea I have for you.
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