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We are so overwhelmed right now!
My MIL is 73 and had a quad bypass just over 3 weeks ago. The hospital released her to a rehab facility. She has been showing signs of early dementia before her heart attack and surgery yet has not received an "official" diagnosis from a neurologist etc.


She has shown huge increase in confusion and memory issues since the surgery. The doctors warned us ahead of time that this could very well happen so it was not a surprise.


Our dilemma - She has been living independently with an 85 yr old male "friend" with whom she has had a very volatile relationship with for 25 years. He moved in with her 4 years ago after he had 3 stents put in so that she could take care of him. He has his own house 35 miles away and his own vehicles. He pays none of the monthly bills but on occasion will purchase something like a "new" washing machine etc. Right now he has been living in her house and driving her car. He is verbally and mentally abusive to her and has been shown to be physically abusive to her in the past. No amount of logic applied before dementia started would convince her to break off the relationship. She is determined to return to her own home even though it is not a safe environment (she lights her gas stove and walks off, stairs she can no longer manage, expired foods which are WAY to old and nasty for consumption, small spaces difficult to manage her walker, memory causing troubles with her ability to maintain her sternal precautions, her "friend" being an alcoholic abuser, previous history of falling and the list goes on and on....).
We have dealt daily with the temper tantrums about staying in the rehab until the doctor would sign a release and have had to spend nights and days with her there simply because she didn't want to be there and the facility was not a secured environment due to the hospital error in placing her there.


We are submitting for temporary guardianship as I type. My husband is the only sibling of the two who want anything to do with the situation.


The doctors have said that she can no longer drive or live by herself and that she is to remain home-bound for at least another 4 weeks during healing. Even though he knew the doctors had said no car rides, her "friend" took her for a joyride 4 days (11 days after surgery) after she was in the rehab without telling anyone where they were going. During the 5 hours they were gone we filed a welfare check with the police and checked every place we could think of to no avail. She thinks that her "friend" is capable of taking care of her.
She agreed for 4 days straight that she would come and stay with us at least during her healing time of the next 3-5 months. We have spent almost $9k making our home safe and as comfortable as we can for her.
She has now agreed only to stay with us a week...


She refuses to follow the doctors orders on anything that keeps her from doing what SHE wants to do WHEN she wants to do it so using the reasoning of "the doctor says..." is not an option for convincing her to stay longer for her own good. Her entire focus is worry about the "friend" leaving her. She believes that if she goes home then everything will return to "normal". Unfortunately he won't drop out of the picture on his own, seems to believe that she will be "just fine" once she is back home (doing everything for him while he is at the bar all day, most days and of course she is not going to tell him to leave permanently!

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DO NOT TAKE HER HOME with you. She needs to remain in the nursing home. Talk to the social worker about how to make this happen.
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Contact Adult Protective Services immediately. They will be able to advise you.
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Wow! The worsening dementia will make things harder emotionally but just maybe also simpler. I'd really be focusing on concerns about that while talking to the social workers. Refusing to take her home and forcing the discharge planners to find institutional options may be what you'll have to do. Peace be with you!
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This is a similar situation to mine. From already living a similar situation myself and definitely learning the hard way. Rehab should have a social worker that can guild you to have her admitted to a facility for her own safety. Let the professionals help you with her placement. Knowing what I know now I should have had my mother admitted to the facility after her heart surgery 7 years ago. I speak from 10 years of experience with attitudes and manipulation. I was attempting to be the good daughter and care for her myself. My wonderful husband and I built a cottage for her on our acreage which she did not appreciate and gave us attitude constantly. It made it way to easy to snap her fingers constantly. Our goal was being responsible in caring for my elderly mother since she needed supervision. Knowing the "hellish manipulation" that can be dispensed by this situation I would NEVER do it again! Hindsight is 20/20. Consider placement with 24/7 care for your own sanity, as well as, her safety. Then evict the freeloader and change the locks. The facility can monitor her if her "boyfriend" removes her from their safe area. Good luck with this! Take a deep breath and keep asking questions. This website has been a life and sanity saver for me on this journey. It would be awesome if all the caring was appreciated but Dementia is an evil thing to deal with if that person was a narcissist to begin with. I had always thought my efforts to care for mom would be welcomed. I should have taken steps when I first saw the signs, but live and learn. We are in a much better situation with less stress now. I hope you can solve your situation a lot sooner than I did.
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Since he was living there and getting his mail there...the law considers him a tenant.

DO NOT CUT OFF THE UTILITIES

The law calls that "constructive eviction" and you can be sued for thousand of dollars in compensation. DO NOT DO IT.

Once you have guardianship or POA...follow your state guideline and proceed to notice of termination followed by getting a judge to order eviction if he still remains. Do this the legal way.

As to the topic. If you move her into your home...expect that this whole situation will become much much worse! Are you really prepared to give up sleeping because she will make sure you don't sleep. Are you really able to withstand the constant verbal abuse she will heep on you?

Please...read the other posts here.

This woman will turn your entire lives upside down...

I want to recommend to you that you have her placed in a memory care unit.
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While you spent so much making your home safe - do not become bitter about it. Remember that it is much safer for you as well. As you age you will be able to stay in your home longer and, with some help, perhaps all your life.
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whew! comments and stern advice are going to come rushing in to you on THIS one!. follow ss320's advice and remove yourself from the whole wrong, 'thriller-movie-material' situation.
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Submitting for guardianship is a good idea since she is being exploited. Document the incidences and get police report copies. Unfortunately this may be a long haul
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If I were your husband I wouldn't touch this situation with a stick - it's a hiding to nothing if ever there was one.

MIL is in rehab. The doctors who are giving out all this advice can tell it to her, not you. Stay away until they have her mental state and an assessment of her legal competence under control.
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I totally agree with contacting Adult Protective Services. There are so many things going on here that you need the help and advice of professionals in Elder Care. The "boyfriend" has no rights, but you need advice on how to make him gone, permanently. You also need advice on how to deal with the MIL. Having her live with you may seem like the kind thing to do, but truth is, it sounds like the incredible amount of stress this would put on you and your marriage and health is immeasurable. Good luck to you, please keep us updated!
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