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My mom left my dad, brother and I when I was about 11 years old. He remarried and his current wife of 45 years filed for divorce in 2017 when he started showing signs of dementia. He was a workaholic and worked hard his entire life, but he and his wife spent money faster than they could make it. She made sure her 2 sons were taken care of. She gave one son money to put down on a house. She pretty much gave the other son the home my brother and I grew up in. They had no savings, just debt and stuff. They never planned ahead for anything. The divorce has been ugly. Thank the Lord his parents were frugal and saved and planned ahead for their 6 adult kids. They passed shortly before his move into a memory care facility which has paid for his care and legal fees. My husband and I have been bending over backwards to make sure he and all of the messes he and his wife created are taken care of and making sure that he is not be taken advantage of. I really don’t need anything from him. I just couldn’t allow for him to be abandoned. I want him to be well cared for. However, I’m feeling overwhelmed. Old emotions of abandonment, neglect and abuse from both parents and stepmother are resurfacing. My brother has been a mess for a very long time, partially because of it and is no help whatsoever. I’m starting to wonder why I have made my dad and all of his problems my problems. Then, I finish a long piece like this and realize I’m doing this because despite everything, I still love my dad.

If resources allow, please consider hiring a case manager who will check on your father, take him to all his appointments, pay his bills from his resources and report back to you. Children of abuse have a much more difficult time as care givers, even at one step removed when parent is in LTC. It's not a matter of how much you love your father or how good/kind a person you are, it's a kind of PTSD from all those bad childhood experiences. If resource do not allow, consider asking APS to step and make your father a ward of the state. Make sure Dad is taken care of but also guard your own emotional health.
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Qwerty Mar 25, 2019
I’m not overwhelmed with him, his care, appointments, bills, and taxes. It’s all the other garbage involving his estranged wife. But I know if I use his funds to hire someone to take it on we won’t be able to keep him in the great place he’s at. I know they’d be picking my brain for all the info they’d need anyways. I was just appointed his Guardian ad litem for the divorce to move things along more quickly and I have a legal obligation. I think once we get the divorce behind us and the properties sold I won’t feel so overwhelmed.
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