I am a 33 year old woman. I was primary 24/7 caregiver to my grandfather for many years until his death. Now, I am caring for my grandmother. I spent 90 days with her on a cot in a rehab. Now, she is home. I do it all, the bills, house maintenance, her personal care including emptying commodes and wiping her. Shes is often mean, screams til I'm in a state of confusion, and her children all refuse to help because she left her house to my mom and I. My mother refused to help me even on her date of discharge, she claims she's too mentally ill to handle it. It's so much for me to handle. Today I called the suicide prevention hotline. I'm trapped with no way out. Ive gained 60+ lbs due to the stress in just 3 short months. I feel totally drained and dead on the inside. Does anyone have a prayer or an idea or advice or has been through anything similar.

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Awe Blessed 12345, I m so sorry you feel the only way is to end your life. I never had a plan , but believe me, there were many days I wouldn’t have cared if I got hit by a truck or struck by lightning. My mother has Alzheimer’s and lived with me . I hated my life . I hated pulling in my driveway, being home. Everything was negative. My mother got Dementia about 4 to 5 years ago. She’s lived with me and my husband and daughter a long time. Way before Dementia. There were a few things I did to help me and they worked. I walked the dog about 90 minutes a day and started learning another language on the internet. I also became OCD with cleaning. Anything to keep moving and not focusing on her and the extreme overwhelming feeling of dread from the moment I got up . This July , she moved to memory care. I can’t tell you I’m 100 percent as happy as I was prior to this caregiving job I didn’t apply for and had for almost 5 years, 24/7, but life is better. You are only 33. That’s so young. You have much a head of you . It was hard placing her. I had to trick her by telling her it was only for 2 weeks. I feel guilt about that. She wouldn’t have gone any other way. She’s doing fine. All the worry, stress and general misery I lived with for basically the last 18 months has changed me. I realize now, she should have been placed earlier and I only kept her here because I thought I was doing what she wanted at every one else’s expense. She’s fine. She has physical therapy, 24/7 nursing care, a few friends and privacy to watch tv in her own room. I never would have thought a year ago, that she would have adjusted as well as she did. I’m glad you contacted the suicide hot line. You need to focus on you. It’s seems overwhelming now, when you’re caught up in such a draining situation, but do things every day for yourself. That’s a start. I would sell the house and definitely let her dr know, that you can’t continue to do this. Hugs
Helpful Answer (1)

Blessed, this is a solvable problem, not worth "ending it all"! Your life is precious, please don't even think of this as a solution. Ending your life will be the beginning of pain and suffering for those you leave behind. And it definitely won't help your gramma.

As stated by another commenter, you need to release the expectation of the house. This is a carrot that you will most likely never get to eat. Your grandma will need that asset to pay for her care in a facility. And your family can only control you if you give them the control.

Who has durable Power of Attorney for your Grandma? This person is the only one who can make decisions on Gramma's behalf. If it is not you, and your gramma is not willing to give you this authority, you should move out to preserve your own self. Let other family members know this is what you will be doing, then ignore anything negative or unsupportive they say to you. Just go and do not continue any care. Sleep on a friend's couch for a while if that's what it takes. Call social services and get them involved with your Gramma. They will take it from there. It will be difficult for a while, then the storm will blow over, you will have your life back, your gramma will be cared for and you move onward and upward.

This will be good practice for when your mentally ill mother needs more help than anyone can provide. Don't get sucked into that vortex, not even for a minute. Just call social services for her also. It doesn't mean your don't love her or care about her. It's like trying to save a drowning person: they panic and cling to your neck and you both drown (this is actually what does happen!) Allowing another solution just means you know your limits and have healthy boundaries and don't want to be drowned. Watch out for enabling and co-dependency. Be blessed!
Helpful Answer (2)

You cannot continue to care for your grandma alone. She may need more care than you can provide. Is she on Medicaid?

Call the facility that she was in and ask for the social worker’s phone number or perhaps grandma’s primary doctor. That is how I got the contact number for social worker.

Tell the social worker what you are dealing with and that you have previously taken care of your grandpa. Also mention that your mom is mentally ill.

They can point you in the right direction for help.

Why did you sleep on a cot in rehab? My mom just got home from rehab and I never spent the night there.

Please don’t end your life. There is help. You deserve to live your life. You are too young for this.

I will pray for you. I am glad that you have faith. It will be a comfort to you. Talk to God as if he is your best friend. Forget formal prayers right now. Just speak to God from your heart.

Please stay in touch. We care.
Helpful Answer (3)

Another question...what's the deal with your mother? What's her mental illness? What's her living situation? Does she live in the house with you and your grandmother?

Sounds like you were with your grandmother 24/7 while she spent 90 days in rehab? WHY?
Helpful Answer (3)

Please don’t commit suicide. Calling the Suicide Help Line is the first step to take care of you. What did they advise you to do?

The call can trigger getting the help YOU need to begin to get healthy. I sense your frustration and it pains me when someone feels so alone to want to commit suicide. You are not alone. There is help out there & you’ve made the call & took the first step.

Call APS and report that your mother is a vulnerable adult because your mental health is at this time vulnerable. Don’t be ashamed to do this. You are seeking help and your priority should be YOU. Not to be calloused but mother has lived her life, it’s time for you to live yours. End the caregiving. Invest in yourself. If you don’t have a degree pursue classes at a community college. Get a job to begin establishing a career. You are young at 33 & have the power to make anything good happen for you going forward.

Its not a sign of weakness to call the Suicide Hotline. I hope they gave you sound advice that you will consider following. A local therapist would help. If you haven’t already have a PCP, find one you like and ask for a referral to a behavioral health specialist.

Hang in there!
Helpful Answer (4)

Could her house be easy to sell? If so than could that money be used for her to be placed in a facility and you find a studio to rent.

Could you get yourself to Weight Watchers to help yourself and give some focus and structure not to mention possibly some bonding with others.

Your life has worth and value although it may be hard to feel that way with all you are coping with. This is all a huge burden that needs drastic changing. I hope you can use suggestions here and start the process of changing this very difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (3)

Is the possible part-inheritance of this house worth your life? You could be well on the way to the 40% of caregivers who die before the ones they are doing caregiving for.

If you have gained >60 pounds in just three months, that is a LOT of stress that you're under. You canNOT keep this up. The best thing for you is to remove yourself from the situation.

I know you did caregiving for your grandfather before this, but what was your job before that? Your dreams? Your goals? 33 is not too old to take back your life!

Who has POA/HCPOA for your grandmother?

Talk to us here, and tell us more. (I also suggest you see a therapist and/or your doctor for a complete checkup.)
Helpful Answer (3)

So Blessed, will you then take on the care of your mother when your grandmother is gone? She could be--your mentally ill Mom--as young as 50. Or even younger. And she will then be holding a "house" over you? The promise of a house.
Hon, you need to have the strength to move now toward a job, a life of your own. You don't have to start big, but you have to start. Please get all the support you are able and move out, move on, now. You Mom then either can or doesn't have to take on the care of her mother in trade for that home. The home can be sold to support your grandmother's care going forward.
Please ask the hotlines when you call for numbers so that you can move into a supportive community that will help you move forward. Also know that if you go to your local ER and tell them that you are having suicidal ideation, thoughts of hurting yourself, they will hospitalize and treat you, and give you support moving forward. Do not return to the home situation.
I am so sorry for this, but staying in this situation is clearly endangering your very life.
Helpful Answer (8)

Blessed12345, you mentioned that your Grandmother had left her house to you and your Mom. Did Grandmother already changed the Deed to your names or the house becomes yours and Mom once Grandmother passes on?

Why I asked is that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring. Is this really worth keeping a house with those odds?

It also could be that your Aunts/Uncles believe that their Mother belongs in a facility as there comes a time when it does take a village. They aren't helping because they don't want to enable their Mother to continue to live in her house. I had enabled my parents [in their 90's] to remain in their home. If only I could turn back the clock and started differently. I had crashed and burned twice from all the stress :(

I honestly believe it is time for your Grandmother to sell her house, and use whatever equity there is for an assisted living facility, or possibly a nursing home.

Oh, when was the last time Grandmother was tested for an Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection can mimic dementia, and cause all sorts of symptoms such as meanness, being hostile, etc.
Helpful Answer (6)

Blessed12345, I wish you had some support from family. I am sorry you are in this situation. This should not be on your shoulders as the primary caregiver. This is way too much for you to handle. You need to take care of yourself now. You do have a choice, Blessed12345. Who is her POA? Her doctor needs to be aware of this situation and offer suggestions. The only thing I can think of at this point, and not sure if this is the best advice, but due to your mental state, the quickest way to get help in my opinion, take your grandmother to the ER, and make them aware of the situation and ask them to admit her, otherwise she will be alone. Social service needs to get involved and find placement for your dear grandmother. They would not send her home alone, if she is unable to care for herself. Tell them you are in no position to continue caring for her and your mental health is suffering. Tell them you called the suicide hotline. I know this may sound harsh, but you can't go on like this. I would get into counseling as soon as possible. You seem like such a sweet and caring granddaughter. Do what is best for both of you. Read other posts on this forum, and see what others are advising. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please take care of yourself. Keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (4)

Please call adult protective services and ask them for immediate help for you and Grandma. You are strong and brave and it took courage to reach out. Please follow through. We care.
Helpful Answer (4)

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Blessed, Good for you for reaching out! That's got to be the first step in getting a handle on this nightmarish situation.

May I ask why your grandma is not in a facility? It seems beyond what can be coped with by just one person, despite your obvious caregiving skills and great compassion and love for family. It is just too much!

I hope others will have some more thoughts and info for you. Hang on!
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