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Not big but strong... you'd have to have the muscle tone of a Shetland pony to cope with such a fine figure of a man. It'll be interesting to hear what the OT has to say about safe handling.

I very much like Jeanne's rational approach to how best to "stand by your man," so to speak. I hope other people who've cared for spouses will add their experience too; but do remember that in the end a) other people aren't you and b) you don't need anyone's permission to make the right decision for you and your husband.

And I'm glad that venting felt good! Do more of it :)
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Dear Sandy,

I'm very sorry to hear about everything you are going through. This is such a tough and personal question. Based on everything you said and your own age maybe the time has come to consider a nursing home. It is hard on family members when the care is escalating. But the daily care does take a personal toll and its better to recognize this before the anger and resentment affects their care. Talk to your son or a social worker and make sure you have all your options.
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Each caregiver has their own threshold for how much caring they can do. For me, any of these might have been the "last straw."

1) Double incontinence
2) Unable to assist with transfers
3) Belligerence

Fortunately none of these things happened during my husband's 10 year journey with dementia, and I was able to have him at home the full time. He died on hospice in our bedroom.

Most of the people in my local caregivers support group have had to place their loved ones in a facility. The three things I named factored into many of the decisions. Falling a lot and being too heavy for the caregiver to lift was also a factor.

I never promised my husband that I would not place him in a facility. I did promise that I would never abandon him, and that if he needed a care center in order to get the best care available, I would be his advocate, I would see that he really was getting that care, and I would visit him a lot.

Care center at any level are expensive. In-home help is expensive. Have you looked into Medicaid?
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So more info -- have been caring for my husband with severe perifrial neuropathy both sensory and motor for a couple of years now. It all became much more problematic after a fall last October. He is now in a wheel chair. Cannot walk, cannot transfer self, needs help with most ADL's. in May he had a pulmonary embolism- was in hospital then skilled nursing. Home health has just ended and we (he) will be starting out patient OT and PT this week.

He is very hard to work with ..... is anxious and afraid and does not do as instructed re transferring, sitting properly. I have given up trying to get him to do things correctly as he just yells or says I don't undersand.

Have care givers 3-4 times a week to get him up, bathed , etc and so I can go to the gym. The idea was for him to stay in bed, I'd bring breakfast and paper .. care giver would come and do their thing. Well, he lately has to do a bm so I have to get him up and take care of that -- if he even makes it to the bathroom,

Putting him to bed at night is it's own ordeal.

One son is amazing and calls to see how I am and comes to help even if I say I can do it. The other says I have to ask then there is always attitude..

This is way too long and a big whine , am sorry but feels good.

I really would like to hear when others have decided enough is enough. What was the trigger, especially with a spouse. The dr wanted him to go to board and care after the skilled nursing. Looked at what we could afford .... can't do that. Tried adult day care ... won't take him re bathroom and transfering issues.

I think there is a bit of cognitive imparement as do PT and OT. Am going to push that on next dr visit though to what end I do not know. Now that he is an outpatient I have to do the de visits and car transfering.


Oh, and btw he is 78 yo weighs 250 and is 6'4" tall. I am 73 yo tall and not big but strong.
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Hi SandySL
It was probably a good while ago that it became too much. Do you need a break? Do you have someone who can come in and stay awhile or will you have to look for a place for him to go for respite? Or maybe you are ready to place him in AL or NH for more help.
Tell us more about what's going on.
Hugs to you.
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