I finally broke and had to walk away from caregiving. The Parkinson’s dementia, paranoia, etc. just got to be too much. I offered help getting more appropriate help but it was all refused. There is no POA or advance directive.
I’ve been reading this newsletter for years. Now I am finally writing again. Is it too late? Does anyone know how to navigate this “after” territory? I got myself into counseling and am trying to take care of myself, but this part feels a lot like continuing to fall apart physically and emotionally.
Other people are stepping in and doing some caregiving, but mostly it’s not accepted. The Meals on Wheels meals rot because he doesn’t remember they are there, the sheriff gets called about “intruders,” but decide he’s okay enough for now. At some point he will lose everything because he won’t accept the help that would allow him some choice.
All I can say is ouch and thanks for listening.
I'd call APS and let them decide what help your ex should have, and if he belongs in managed care.
Take care of YOURSELF now. Make the call and then know you've done all you can.
Best of luck to you.
The paranoia, as you describe. I live out of state about 4 hours away and I was home one day. The cop called my house and told me my aunt had fallen and he didn't feel like she should be home alone. He understood I lived out of state and asked was there someone closer. I told him, yes. She has nieces who live about 55 minutes away from her. I told him I would get in touch with one of them.
My aunt's neighbor later told me that my aunt had her call the cops, not because she had fallen, but because she swore she saw two men in her house, which was not true.
I was her medical POA, and there wasn't much I could do because it was only until she became incapacitated and aunt refused to go and get diagnosed, and my family who lives closer to her (she chose to move near them), refused to take her to get diagnosed, so long as I was the solution by taking trips down there constantly.
I got aunt a caretaker, which she balked at, because she didn't want to spend the money, so she had my cousin get rid of her. Cousin kept asking could I come and help. I got frustrated. I have my job and a life in another state. I gave up the POA, aunt is livid, and I no longer hear from my "besties" cousins anymore who tried to throw me to the lion's den.
Yes, get out and stay out. I see a lot of people saying to call adult protection services, but I honestly do not know how much good they do. The medical situation is a disaster, as they, too are overwhelmed, and would much like family to be more involved in the caretaking aspects.
Good luck to all of us out there. It's not pretty.
Your first post was in 2022 and you were having problems then? When did you finally say "enough". If recently, you did more than I ever would have. An ex is an ex for a reason. Good for you and please, no guilt. Now you call APS and report a vulnerable adult and allow them to take over. You did what you could, now he needs care your not able to give and thats OK.
Please updatevus on how things go.
You’ve made a life-affirming decision. Now just keep going.
It will feel like everything is falling apart for awhile. Change is hard. Keep going anyway. I’m glad that you got yourself into counselling. There are also live and online zoom support groups for caregivers/former caregivers. A quick google search will likely point you in the right direction.
Post here too whenever you want. This is an amazing forum. You will get all kinds of support.
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