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I finally broke and had to walk away from caregiving. The Parkinson’s dementia, paranoia, etc. just got to be too much. I offered help getting more appropriate help but it was all refused. There is no POA or advance directive.


I’ve been reading this newsletter for years. Now I am finally writing again. Is it too late? Does anyone know how to navigate this “after” territory? I got myself into counseling and am trying to take care of myself, but this part feels a lot like continuing to fall apart physically and emotionally.


Other people are stepping in and doing some caregiving, but mostly it’s not accepted. The Meals on Wheels meals rot because he doesn’t remember they are there, the sheriff gets called about “intruders,” but decide he’s okay enough for now. At some point he will lose everything because he won’t accept the help that would allow him some choice.


All I can say is ouch and thanks for listening.

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Here’s the thing…When a person is so ill they cannot recognize it or accept it, there is nothing another person can do. Nothing. Accept that. He will lose all and he will die. He may even go live on the streets first. You can do nothing. So many people grow up thinking everything is their responsibility. But the truth is it is not. Like it or not you have no power to change another person. Accept that. You can only be responsible for yourself. Even if another person accepts your help, you help, you love, you tend, but you cannot really be responsible for this person. You give. They may or may not receive what you give. Take “responsibility” out of it. You are only responsible for what you choose to do, not for how they respond. My MIL refuses her meds some days. She can. What can I do? Accept it. She is not of sound mind and does not fully understand how the meds might keep her from having a stroke or dying. I know that. I am not responsible for that thinking or for the result of that kind of thinking. I am there to care and love her, not to demand she It just is the way it is. The truth is I can opt to offer them; she can opt to refuse. I do not take this personally. It is just the way life is. I accept it. The other choice is to physically or medically take this person down to where they cannot do what they are doing. Then you become a prison guard with a prisoner-not a care giver. You give care if you care. You cannot care for a person who is not capable of caring about themselves. You have to clear out emotion, expectations, and the attitude that any adult person is your responsibility. They are not. Accept it. Then go do what you need to do with your life. What you “need” to do is clear. You “need” to stay healthy and focused on your life - whatever that involves. If you want to give care and help-to another person, then do it, but don’t have expectations of any specific response. Nobody owes another person any kind of specific response for what is given if it is given out of love. Let go of that kind of thinking. I care about my MIL but I also know that if she gets to a place where I cannot thrive being around her then the relationship is gone.
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GrayGrannie said below:
" You are right, you don't want to crash and burn with him. It is great that you are taking steps to disentangle yourself from him. He has a lot of health issues (per your bio) and you aren't responsible for any of them. Continue to step aside, continue letting people know his situation, and then take care of yourself."

I couldn't say it better.

Perhaps I would add: You DESERVE a life, a quality life, and you have to believe this before you can move towards it. Try letting go and letting God, or letting go and letting the universe support you. Gena
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Frogster, you are in the right place. There is a wealth of information and folks who have experience to assist. Not to mention, great support.

Is there a glossary somewhere on this site? I am able to figure out most of the abbreviations but some of the have me stumped :
SNF: senior nursing facility?
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JanPeck123 Jul 4, 2025
SNF is skilled nursing facility.
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Hi, Frogster:

Welcome to Our Forum! You can stay with us as long as you want to. Never a fee to use the Forum.

It's good you are in therapy. Your Ex- belongs in a memory care facility for his health conditions and is not your guilt or responsibility to help him anymore.
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Frogster, you belong here.

You’ve made a life-affirming decision. Now just keep going.

It will feel like everything is falling apart for awhile. Change is hard. Keep going anyway. I’m glad that you got yourself into counselling. There are also live and online zoom support groups for caregivers/former caregivers. A quick google search will likely point you in the right direction.

Post here too whenever you want. This is an amazing forum. You will get all kinds of support.
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Sorry for your situation .
You belong here as long as you want .
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Hi Frogster,
Welcome to the Aging Care forum. Thank goodness you have disconnected from your ex, especially if you've had a couple of ambulance trips of your own.
You said finding Adult Protective Service is difficult. They are part of your local Department of Social Services in the county where your ex lives.
But it sounds like you have contacted everyone under the sun already. Don't worry about calling APS.
Please know that you have done all you could have, and now it's up to his family or one of the other agencies contacted to get involved.
Being in crisis mode every day wreaks havoc on your endocrine system, making you exhausted. It can take your body weeks or months to
reset. Counseling is a great start. There's no need to feel guilty. You cannot fix your ex. Parkinson's dementia is a horrible disease. Your ex needs to be willing to be seen by a neurologist and get on proper medication. He may need to hit rock bottom before he accepts help. But know you have done the smart thing to step away.
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Frogster: Welcome to the forum of active and past caregivers. You belong here.
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So welcome. I am so relieved that you have yourself in therapy. A good COGNITIVE therapist is what you need right now. You cannot be responsible for someone nor for their happiness. You CAN work on your own. It will take a lot of time and adjustment.
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You are right, you don't want to crash and burn with him. It is great that you are taking steps to disentangle yourself from him. He has a lot of health issues (per your bio) and you aren't responsible for any of them. Continue to step aside, continue letting people know his situation, and then take care of yourself.
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TouchMatters Jul 4, 2025
Thank you. I'll repeat this above quoting you in my post. Gena
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Yes. All too familiar. I broke away from my aunt, as well with dementia.
The paranoia, as you describe. I live out of state about 4 hours away and I was home one day. The cop called my house and told me my aunt had fallen and he didn't feel like she should be home alone. He understood I lived out of state and asked was there someone closer. I told him, yes. She has nieces who live about 55 minutes away from her. I told him I would get in touch with one of them.
My aunt's neighbor later told me that my aunt had her call the cops, not because she had fallen, but because she swore she saw two men in her house, which was not true.
I was her medical POA, and there wasn't much I could do because it was only until she became incapacitated and aunt refused to go and get diagnosed, and my family who lives closer to her (she chose to move near them), refused to take her to get diagnosed, so long as I was the solution by taking trips down there constantly.
I got aunt a caretaker, which she balked at, because she didn't want to spend the money, so she had my cousin get rid of her. Cousin kept asking could I come and help. I got frustrated. I have my job and a life in another state. I gave up the POA, aunt is livid, and I no longer hear from my "besties" cousins anymore who tried to throw me to the lion's den.
Yes, get out and stay out. I see a lot of people saying to call adult protection services, but I honestly do not know how much good they do. The medical situation is a disaster, as they, too are overwhelmed, and would much like family to be more involved in the caretaking aspects.
Good luck to all of us out there. It's not pretty.
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I quit being his caregiver about two months ago after a couple of ambulance rides for me. I started letting his calls go to voicemail and it seems like he has stopped calling. I talked with the sheriff, the clinic, the social worker,his family, his neighbors and the church. I don’t know that APS does anything here or where they are or how to call them. They are not in any of the phone books that I have. The community action people are aware of his situation and have offered help. I think they are the link to APS. I’m trying not to ask anyone how he is. Disengaging is hard. I did hear that he called the sheriff about intruders and that death by cop is unlikely because they know what is going on and showed up with an ambulance which he refused. I know that he agreed to meals on wheels but often forgets about them. Other than that I’m trying to go on. I don’t want to crash and burn with him.
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Yes, you belong here.

Your first post was in 2022 and you were having problems then? When did you finally say "enough". If recently, you did more than I ever would have. An ex is an ex for a reason. Good for you and please, no guilt. Now you call APS and report a vulnerable adult and allow them to take over. You did what you could, now he needs care your not able to give and thats OK.
Please updatevus on how things go.
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Call APS, I’d keep calling until something is done. I’m sorta in the same boat as you, my mother is at a SNF, but no POA, she’s delusional with paranoia/schizophrenia. Everyday is a battle, I have her on block so her incessant calls go to a vm, I can see later instead of seeing her name/number pop up constantly. It causes my blood pressure to skyrocket. Hugs to you, stick around, this forum helps your sanity.
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Just offering you support. You definitely belong here.
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You belong here. The site is free and the forum is quite helpful, imo.

I'd call APS and let them decide what help your ex should have, and if he belongs in managed care.

Take care of YOURSELF now. Make the call and then know you've done all you can.

Best of luck to you.
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