What to do with my mother's ashes?

This post reminded me of a friend whose grandmother wanted to be scattered over the Sierra Nevada mountains. They wrapped her ashes in a scarf, went up in a small plane, opened the door and dumped her out. Problem was, the scarf wasn't long enough and the prop wash blew a lot of the ashes back in the plane. He said, they probably vacuumed more of grandma up than got dumped over the mountains.

My girlfriend has her Mother-in-Law, Father-in-Law, and husband in one closet. Her mother is at her brother's house in a closet. Her father is in another closet at her house with the ashes of a lady she took care of. She said her mother would turn over in her urn if she knew her husband was in the closet with that other gal.

Sometimes you have to laugh or cry.

I don't know where you're from, but in West Virginia there are old cemeteries where you be be buried for free. I'm sure they would take ashes too.

My father asked to have his ashes scattered around his hometown. So I made a list of places that were important to him and have been leaving a little bit at each one. I also left some at his parents and grandparents graves.

Funeral plots are NOT inexpensive. People pay a lot to bury their family. I wouldn't consider anyone who doesn't want to pay those funds as "cheap."

It's sad that sometimes we're judged by what we do for our loved ones after death, when it's more important to be concerned how we treat them while they're living.

After all this talk of ashes, I now know exactly what I want.
(Dont know if they will be able? But hey lol)

Wrap me up and burn me (No service, just a straight cremation) (if they insist on a coffin, then make it a cardboard one)
Pay for my ashes (I will leave enough for that)
Find a wood or forest and scatter me randomly. I will go back to nature.
They will be able to visit the woods to remember me (if they want to) without the need to feel that they MUST.
A wood is beautiful, so should help with happy thoughts. I dont want sadness.

Too cheap??? Hmmm....

My husband has a similar problem as he has the ashes of his father, mother and aunt. He is also an only child. I would call him a world-class procrastinator. If I outlive him it will all be my problem. If you are too cheap to buy a place at a cemetery (as I would do), burial on private property may be an option. Please do not pollute your local beach, stream or pond!

Did Mom have a particular place she loved; a park, stream, lake or beach?

Ask other family members if they know any favorite place she ever talked about.

Before you do decide to dispose of her ashes, just think about having a small portion of her ashes placed in a pendant made especially for a keepsake. Many mortuaries offer them; you can keep a small part of her so when if ever you're able to forgive, you'll have that small part you can wear near your heart.

I really like the idea of a biodegradable urn and am going to tell my children that is what I want! Where they put it is up to them..I have a tombstone in my father's family plot about 120 miles away. But they can put it in their backyard without a marker if they wish.

Ladycoco, I'm sure a death certificate would suffice.

From us-funerals.com;
Eternal Reefs in Florida start at $2,495 but can cost up to $6,995. This includes everything to construct your reef artifact, position it and GPS locate it, a bronze plaque sited on your memorial reef and certificates for families members to keep.

An alternative site on the Pacific coast near the San Diego Bay offers memorial reef interment starting at $2,400. There are also a couple of sites in Mexico where memorial reefs can be sited and these cost around $3,000.

LOL! My MIL lost her husband in the late 70's kept hubbys ashes with her on each move for 40 or so years. The cremains were lost on the last move, searched and searched, finally found. Her cremains were mixed with his and scattered on Mt Hood. Sorry, maybe a bit insensitive, but we all laughed!😂

You need to respect your mother whatever she did to you as she is dead now.You can scatter the ashes in river or ocean. This is your duty.God bless !

I have never heard of the IRS wanting to know where the body was. What would you say if it was a person that was carried off by animals and no one knew where most of the body was? I used to be on a Search and Rescue Team and dealt with this.

Back in the 1980's I was in charge of issuing scattering permits for the National Forest in California where I worked. Mainly it was so they would sort of be scattered evenly and not all piled in one location. Like this person on Thomas Mountain, second person on Black Mountain, third person Alvin Meadow. etc.

I don't recommend Neptune Society because the last time I checked they were pretty expensive.

Countrymouse--Now I'm curious about the joke! Maybe you could send it "privately"? (I could use a good laugh!)

Mother received 1/5 of my eldest brothers cremains, in an unmarked box. She stuck it on a high shelf and left it be. I was deep cleaning one day and found this box of "dirt" and thought, "OMG, mother is hoarding DIRT now!" and a split second before I stuck my brand new canister vacuum in there to vacuum out this box, I had a sudden 'epiphany'. This was my brother!! After laughing myself silly (sorry, he was a horrible person and I didn't mourn his passing for one single minute)...I took the box to mother and asked her what I could do with this for her. She was befuddled and didn't know. I gave them to brother. I think he threw them away. I don't know and I don't care.

SO sad that after a lifetime, that's the legacy you leave. His kids held on to their "portion" of their ashes before they finally disposed of them. I only know that his son also threw them in the trash.

I do not think you need to hang on to ANY documentation regarding where the ashes are scattered. Most people I know who have had loved ones cremated keep the urns in their homes. We've opted for niches in the cemetery in the mountains we both love. A dear friend is making our "boxes".

Not sure if it applies in all US states, but in some, you have to be able to let the government (IRS, etc) know where the person is in case any issue comes up. If you scatter, there should be a small amount kept just in case of this.

Thank you for asking this question. We will be facing the same situation sometime in the future. My husband is an only child and we are caring for his 94 yr. old mother. She, too, has made arrangements for cremation and we’ve wondered what to do when the time comes. Despite the kind of person she has been, similar to what you have described with your mother, we want to be respectful. The discussion here has given me some ideas to propose to my husband. Whatever you choose to do, I pray you’ll be at peace with the decision and be able to let go of any anger or bitterness. We have had to deal with forgiving over and over again for things said and done. I pray you can do the same.

I am sorry for your loss. My DH passed on Saturday and I bought a biodegradeable urn and am planting a tree with his ashes. I like this site: www.thelivingurn.com

Not only are they reasonable, but the variety of bushes and trees exceeds any other site we found.

I actually have a plot and a standing tombstone - but I prefer to return my sweet DH to the garden that he so loved while he was still among us.

Just a thought. And again, I am sorry for your loss.

Just dig a deep hole and place the urn there. No need to scatter. If the concern is someone finding it dig deep and add heavy rocks before covering with dirt. Just keep it simple.

Just dig a deep hole and place her there. No need to scatter. If you are concerned about someone finding it just dig deep and add rocks to keep it down. Heavy rocks if you have them. Just a thought. Keeping it simple.

I heard of someone taking a ferry ride &' ...oops they fell out of my hand' - end of story - if nowhere else how about at Niagara Falls as she churned up those around her so she will be churned forever .... poetic justice? - depends where you live there must be somewhere where you can do this even from a bridge [over troubled waters?]

Then you will jettison those negative vibes that linger now - when you hear of that place again or drive by that bridge you can think of her but only then so pick the place accordingly - you've done your best but now is the time to move on with your life with head high & a smile of accomplishment that can never be dimmed

I say to heck with the laws. I got some of my brothers ashes from sil and put them in ground beside sisters grave and plan to do same with moms and mine! I will put some of moms in local lake because she liked to fish. Don't overthink this, just do what you think right and give her soul a place. None of us know what happens after death.

OnlyChildCarer, you have probably spent way too much time than your mom deserved agonizing over what to do. Good for you for caring even though your mother certainly seemed like a "challenging" person. I love SueC1957's idea above - your mom can be doing something positive in death that apparently she could not do in life. An ocean is a lovely place to place ashes. You don't break any laws. And you don't inflict her ashes on any personally special places of your own. It is time to break free! Call the Neptune Society and move on. Best wishes.

I have 1/2 of my husband's cremains in a drawer to be buried with mine in my father's family plot in the country. The other half of his cremains was buried in his mother's family plot in the city--she had bought tombstones for herself, her husband and her two children--but not her children's spouses! I already have a tombstone erected in the country cemetery, all it needs is date of death for me. I told my 2 children I didn't care what they did with the ashes, but please have the date of death engraved on my tombstone. If your mother expressed no desire on what to do, just scatter them over your lawn--probably the best solution for all of us!

Regulations on spreading of cremains have largely disappeared. What a nightmare to enforce! But check regulations in your area, then spread them privately in a quiet location.

Just a note: Cremains are very salty and may kill a shrub or flowers. If you want a memorial planting, I would suggest asking a green burial facility for advice.
I wouldn't keep the cremains. They are not giving you any comfort. If your mom was indigent, many cemeteries have reduced burial rates. The indigent section of the cemetery where my great grandparents are buried is beautiful.

This might be an option from the Neptune Society;
Neptune Society offers a unique and more permanent alternative to scattering ashes at sea– the Neptune Memorial Reef. The reef lies 3.25 miles off the coast of Key Biscayne, Florida, and when completed it will cover 16 acres of ocean floor. To be memorialized here, the individual’s cremains are mixed with concrete, shaped into forms such as sea stars or shells, marked with identifying information, and placed on the ocean floor. These forms create shelter for marine life, giving ocean lovers a chance to continue to “give life after life.”

It's a nice thought while keeping a reef alive.

Good luck with your decision.

My MIL was guardian for her best friend, who is now in the back of our river house.. with a nice cross.. they just put her ashes  there, she wanted to be there and so she is. I am pretty sure no one looked into the rules and regs.. and she has been there 20 years now! We put my dad;s ashes into his already purchased plot, next to my brother, and my moms name is already on the headstone. I am guessing she does not have a plot? Another friends dad wanted his spread on the ocean.. not allowed. However, a rental boat guy took the family out for a "wake on the water" and dad somehow ended up overboard.. It happens,, and I am pretty sure the boat guy knew it was going to.. In my mind it's not like you are burying a body.. lots of people I know go for a hike,,, So I guess my take is NO to the trash.. but OK with the garden!

Countrymouse, I really would do that, I thought it was a nifty idea..... but then again.. I AM under psychiatric care! 😜