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I moved in with dad after my mom died, because he did not want to be alone. He had a stroke 10 years ago and I took care of him daily, during his steady decline with alzheimer's. He passed 3 weeks ago and now the 2 brothers who were never there to help with his care are there to clean out his room, take what they want, and the push is on to sell the house. The house is to be divided "equally" 3 ways. The care was never divided equally. I don't know where I am going to go, I don't think I can afford to buy them out and the house needs a lot of work. I just feel so alone and I miss my dad even though he was so nasty and hard to care for, now that he is gone there is such a void in my life, and now I have to move. Please pray I get through this. Thanks for all who write and we all help each otherl

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Thanks for all your responses. There was a will, actually right after dads stroke he changed it from me getting 50% of house(i also took care of mom and grandma before their death) and being able to stay in it as long as I wanted, to getting one third. Brothers do feel I lived rent free, caregiving meant nothing, not one night away from home for 10 years meant nothing, and I even paid expenses on house. If I can't buy out house I will move with what I inherit, but as so many others have found out on this website, things are not often fair for the caregiver. I urge others in this situation to figure out arrangements before its too late. Dad had alzheimers and one day he would say he wanted me to stay in house, and would talk to my brothers, but then that thought would be gone again till another day. It makes me feel good that I know I did all that I could for my dad during his life. I thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers and suggestions. Unless you've taken care of a parent you really have no idea what it is like.
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Dear Sushya,

My deepest condolences and sympathies. I am very sorry for your loss. I know this is an extremely difficult time. Are you able to talk to your brothers? Tell them honestly, look I was here for 10 years to care for dad and see if they are willing to forgo selling the house for a while longer or perhaps give you a bigger share. I know no one wants to talk about money, but in this case you have already sacrificed a lot. I hope something can be worked out. Thinking of you.
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That's tough. I'm looking at that in my future. Ideally, people should set this up when their parent's are of sound mind to do all this. If you are the sole caregiver, you get the house. Many people don't. I didn't. My mom offered it and my dad agreed to it years ago. At the time though, I was all "Don't be silly." Today....... after my brother didn't show up again when he promised to take my parents to lunch, I regret being so chivalrous about it. I think having to clean my grandma's hands for the third poop so far today has put me into a foul mood.

You should go see a elder law attorney and ask if there's anything that can be done at this point. Unfortunately this seems to be a common thing. So a lawyer should be able to tell you right off the bat.

To people who are the sole and only caregiver and your parents are still in a sound mind. You need to have a heart to heart with them right how and go see an attorney and make it right.
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My late mother put it in the Will that she wanted me to inherit the house, and if there are any funds left, those are to be split between me and my two siblings. After my mother's passing, I went to an Eldercare attorney and he set up Joint Tenancy between my father and I. The house is still technically his, but the property tax bill comes in my name now. I did retire from my job a few years earlier than I probably would have if I wasn't his caregiver. I too would find it a bit difficult if I suddenly had to find and pay for a different place to live, and the house would need some work before it could be sold. Needs internal painting, new carpet. Plus there are a lot of things that have accumulated over close to 50 years, but my father and late mother never wanted to get rid of anything so that can't be done while he is still there.
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sushya,
I do pray that you get through all that you are going through and I'm so sorry you lost your Father.Ten years of being his caregiver is a long time.I know you must miss him just being there with you.Please take good care of yourself now.
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There is nothing “fair” about it - when one child does all the heavy lifting and grunt work while the others merely bid their time.

Chances are your brothers justify their position based on the will - but even more so - using the “you lived their all that time at little or no cost to yourself”. Never taking into consideration that the fact is - there is in all likelihood, the fact there is a house to inherit is only due to you having cared for your father at home and saved your father - and therefore them - the tremendous costs of facility living.

But unfortunately- things are what they are. Compensation should have been arranged for you during the time you were providing care. After the fact is too late.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you - we see it time after time here on this forum. The caregiving child being left literally broke and homeless.

I hope others reading this thread who find themselves in similar circumstances- but active in that role, prior to the parents death - will learn from you situation and take steps to protect themselves and their future.
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In NJ no will is filed till probate. Since you said "divided 3 ways" I assume there is a will and you r not executor. Assume u can't afford a lawyer either. My advice, take what money you get and get a nice apartment. Stand up for yourself and make sure u get ur third of everything. They need to understand that by carrying for Dad you were not able to do certain things for yourself. Don't really think you want a house that needs work.
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Sushya, so sorry to read that your Dad had very recently passed. Yes, there is a void in your life at this point in time.

As for the house, did Dad have a Will where it is written that the house will be divided three ways? I know it doesn't seem fair since you were the one and only caregiver for your Dad and your two brothers were missing in action.

Sometimes generational thinking comes into play. You are the daughter, thus it is your responsibility to take care of your parents. The boys can't because they have families to raise. I know, very old fashion way of thinking. Hopefully more modern generations will say the care should be equality divided.

Contact your County or City Probate Court to see if you have to place Dad's Will [or if there is no Will, his Estate] into Probate. If there is no Will, then it is up to the Probate Judge to divide the property as per State law.... you can let the Judge know you had been caring for your Dad, in his home, for numerous years. I don't know if that would make a difference on the out come or not, but worth a try. I would ask the Court if the house can be sold now, or does one have to wait until after Probate. Probate can take time.
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