How to cope with mom's struggles leading to her death?

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My mother passed 2016. First time I'm faced with a passing of a loved one. I need to know how to cope with what she gone through with near death and with every instance I was called in. It was very Difficult for mom - suffering 3 times. I'm just sooo hurt and I couldn't do anything right. The breathing and drowning for hours that led to her near death, it's not right and why did she had to go through. Because of her stroke she couldn't swallow or talk. Then she got scabies for weeks at nursing and MDs did not know and they advise me to put hydrocortisone for rash, then the bedsore, then she passed of MRSA- Sepsis. How can I cope with what happened to her. Mom is very pure at heart and why did she have to go through those experiences. I rescued her 3 times and the worst thing, did I prolong her suffering. Meaning make the decision to have tubes going to clear saliva and on a drying pill 2. Saliva again and respirator on her face, I knew she didn't like it because her frail arm reach out pull it off. 3. Came into hospital when saw mom was all wet with sweat with shallow breathing and they came in with tubes. My father in law just got out the hospital and he could talk he said the worst thing ever was the tubes went in the nose I feel so guilty looking back it just kills me, I miss her so much. This is the only way I can explain . I need help.

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I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm an anxiety sufferer, so I'm often re-visited by every dumb or wrong thing I ever did in my life. Lots of these "visitations" involve my father's last years.

One of the things that does help me is knowing I can't go back and change any of it. Sometimes when those nagging thoughts come up I will actually say out loud, "SHUT UP" or "F*** OFF." That helps a lot. Sometimes I picture the thoughts as an evil little jerk standing on my shoulder, nattering in my ear - and I will actually use my fingers to flick "him" away. It's all symbolism, but it helps. And time helps.

Sometimes I just talk to my dad. I don't even know if there is an afterlife, but I talk to him anyway, and tell him all the things I wish I could say. It might be pointless, if there's nothing after this. But if there is, I know I've told him everything in my heart, every apology I ever needed to give him, and I know if he's there, he'll be waiting for me with open arms. And if there's nothing after....then at least it's helped me to forgive myself, because I know he would've been the first to forgive me for just about anything.

Damn, now I'm crying.
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, mch
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mch1234,
After the loved one passes, it's very common to 'second guess' ourselves. Did we do everything we could have? Did we suggest the right things? Did we pray hard enough?

You put your trust in the doctors who cared for your mom. They know a whole lot more about treating conditions and diseases than families do. Often, the types of treatments are "unsettling" to watch. Tubes inserted in the body can look gruesome and can cause the patient discomfort. But, without these tubes, you can't effectively clear the condition. There is no NICE way to do it.

You mother would not blame you for the care she received and, even though it may have been uncomfortable, I believe she knew it was for her benefit. The same with chemotherapy for cancer patients, the chemo can make you sick,  loose your hair, etc. but it's supposed to cure you in the end.

Please do not blame yourself for any aspect of your mother's care. You did what you could and left the rest to the professionals. They, also, can only do so much, then it's in God's hands.
You mother now has no more pain and is at peace. She would not want to see you beating yourself up over this. She knows you did your best and that you loved her.
Don't continually bring these negative feelings back to the surface. Let it go and be at peace. That's what your mom would want for you.
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I thank you all for sharing. It's quite tough to bring up with relatives because it's not easy. I'm thankful that I can reach out here. Yes, I've taking in overload, Its just what I had to do for my younger siblings and maybe I really need to talk to them abt it too. Unique family situation, culture and growing up.

Hope was keeping the drive to never give up even though there was a small chance. Experience with father misdiagnosed in the past, and he is okay today.

Sometime I wish hear the brutal truth, and maybe I can make a better decision for her at that time.

All of the information here is much needed. " if the situation reversed."
Helps so much. I found a little peace because will do her best to do the same. Thank you all.
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MCH1234, I'm so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. It is common for caregivers to second-guess the decisions they made.

You don't need to go through this alone. Your local hospice organization can refer you to grief support groups. These often have no charges. Sharing your feelings with other bereaved people will help you understand how to go forward and stop blaming yourself.
Take care.
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I just looked up masochism and was alarmed at the definition. Perhaps that was the wrong word to use. Forgive me. That's a bit extreme.

But, everything else I said I meant. Basically, what you are feeling is natural for anyone who truly loved a deceased loved one. I've felt guilty too. But just remember that it's because we loved our deceased loved ones is why we've felt this way. It will pass in time. It did for me and I'm sure it will for you too. Give yourself time.
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If the above advice does not work, see a therapist to help you work through all of this.
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I agree with the above answer. The second- guessing when you think about it is just a form of masochism. Don't do this to yourself. You obviously loved your Mother and she knew this. If the situation were reversed she would have done what she thought was best at the time too and you wouldn't want her to be beating herself up about it so don't do that to yourself. Peace be with you.
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MCH it sounds as if you are suffering from 20:20 hindsight - when you look back and see all the mistakes that were made (by other people, note) and remember all the horrible moments and wish you had known what to do at the time.

I think we must all go through this to some extent, wishing that we'd tried other options, or identified a problem quicker, or just known what to say or who to ask for help.

But you have to be fair to yourself. This whole experience was completely new to you, how could you possibly have known what to do? And add to that the sad reality that with some of the things, such as the suction, you had a choice of two options - do it or don't do it - and both of the options were not nice for your poor mother.

These memories are horribly painful and I truly feel for you. I share some, too - it's impossible not to wish you could rewind to a moment and take the other choice, or ask a better question.

But I bet you can't think of a moment when you didn't want the best and kindest thing for your mother. Try to be kind to yourself, too.
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Dear mamacuahanh,

My deepest condolences and sympathies on the loss of your mother. I can relate to everything you wrote. I too struggle with my dad's care before he passed. I just kept going over it and over it. It was the first time I faced such a close loss and I was just raw.

A year later and I too look back and think I could have done things differently. And the truth is, you did what you thought was best. I know you didn't want your mom to suffer. You only wanted to help her and extend her life. You truly did the best you could.

I hope you will be kinder to yourself. You are a good daughter. I know the questions are part of your grief journey. If you feel like it maybe write a letter to your mom with all your thoughts and feelings.

Thinking of you. Sending you love and hugs.
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