What to do with my mother's ashes?

Dear OnlyChildCarer,

I'm so sorry, I know how hard this must be. I can imagine still wanting to be respectful but finding a good option is hard.

I know some cemeteries have an area where you can scatter them. I would check with the funeral or local cemetery or church and see what options are available.

I hope others can provide more suggestions.

Mat be there is a spot or type of area that you have a small nice memory of being there with your mum?
Like she bought you an ice cream? At the beach? In a forest?
Failing that, somewhere YOU LIKE. Flower beds etc.

Good luck.

Plant them. Under a nice shrub, if you like shrubs.

Take them to a river and mentally release your mother to the world. Oh. I see from Dr Google that there can be laws about things like that, so I recommend you look up "what do you do with Cremains?" and check regulations in your area.

My sister once told me an extremely rude joke about a widow's conversation with her late husband's ashes but I'm still pretending I didn't understand it.

Pondering... whatever you decide to do in practical terms, might it be helpful to you emotionally to regard the final scattering as a ritual of acceptance? "Blessed are you, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, the judge of truth." Your mother may not have been all one might wish for in a mother, or indeed in a human being, but she was herself and that was her right. You don't have to like her, you're still perfectly entitled to feel hurt and sadness and regret over certain memories; but this is simply about wrapping up her life. That you want to do it respectfully, if perhaps not affectionately, is much to your credit as a daughter and as a feeling person.

I am so sorry that your memories of your Mom are so sad. There are laws as to what you can and cannot do with ashes and each state has different laws. Here are some websites that I found:

Scattering Ashes Guide 2018: Ideas, Permits, The Ceremony, & More---hcremationinstitute.com/scattering-ashes/

What Are Some Prayers to Use When Scattering Ashes?--
www.reference.com/holidays-celebrations/prayers-use-scattering-ashes-add4304d19ea94cf
Prayers for scattering ashes often feature the scripture verse "... neither death nor life ... nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God ..." from the Bible. Prayers for ash scattering commonly include readings such as scripture, poems, or personalized words.
A popular reading from the Book of Common Prayer is "We therefore commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection."
Some prayers used in ash scattering ceremonies reflect the setting of the burial. One poem for sea scatterings is "Alone I will not be, my comfort will come from the sea..." by Next Gen Memories.

An English Prayer Book INTERMENT (©Church Society 1994)
The Interment or Scattering of Ashes
churchsociety.org/docs/english_prayer_book/20_EPB_interment.pdf

www.everplans.com/articles/what-you-need-to-know-about-scattering-ashes

I hope that you can find something that helps you resolve or find closure regarding your Mom and allows you to move forward while still respecting your Mom as a person and human being no matter what her faults or failings were. God Bless!

Boy, I’d hate to be so unpleasant that people are glad I’m dead! My parents have a big sendoff planned. They planned it and I’m just going to show up.

I want cremation, and whoever takes possession of the ashes can do what they want with them. Part of my ashes I want scattered in the Gulf of Mexico.

There are laws that prevent scattered ashes just anywhere. There are water tables, sanitary rules, etc in urban or suburban areas. (Health laws).

But in rural areas you could bury the remains secretly. It’s not ideal but would probably work out. Choose a spot that’s away from wet lands, kind of high up.

There are some cremation urns for sale on Amazon.

OnlyChildCarer, does your Mum's parents have graves? You can check with the cemetery to see if your Mum's aches can be buried on top of her parent's casket. What about her husband's grave, or graves of siblings?

I plan to do that for myself. Since I am an only child, I now think I wish to be cremated and placed with my parent's graves. There are cemeteries that will allow an urn to be placed.

Hi only child, what a predicament to be in! I can understand you're not being comfortable with throwing it in the trash since, the body that's in that plastic bag in a cardboard box, is the body that created you. 

So, what I would do is take the little box, put a sticky note on the top that says... *cremains needing a resting place*. Then take it and anonymously leave it on a Pew in a large Church. Whatever they do with it...they do with it. But it's like giving her back to God. Best of luck to you.

Rofl...!!!

You wouldn't really do that, would you, Pepsee? Seriously?

Don't do that. It may be the church's duty to attend to its flock but it's a bit much if relatives just dump remains in the hope of a freebie funeral.

These are also not good times to be leaving unattended packages in a public place. You wouldn't want mother going sky-high in a controlled explosion by the security forces, would you now?

Actually, CM, that would be a story for the grandkids (going sky high in a controlled explosion)! Lol I'm kidding, but the thought of it made me laugh. Certainly a way to be scattered.

Can you spread them over the ocean? Honestly if I had ashes belonging to someone I did not care for & I didn't want them, I'd just go to the beach and dump them in the ocean. But of course you might not be near the ocean.

I second the scattering them over the ocean; she can be as salty in death as she was in life...

In all seriousness and dark humour aside the main thing is if you or anyone in your family would want to visit the ashes/her burial site? If not, don't worry about it too much. Either in the ocean, or turn them into the soil of your garden so she can help grow something beautiful for you to enjoy.

There are a couple laws [at least in Canada] about disposing of human remains, ash or otherwise, so might be good to read up on those for your area...and choose a private spot for the sprinkling.

Or........................
Don't tell anyone?

Then you can put them where ever you like.

Bit naughty? So what! Seems she was a bit nasty.

Sorry if this offends anyone, it is just what I think (no holes barred) I just hate bullies.

Countrymouse, I really would do that, I thought it was a nifty idea..... but then again.. I AM under psychiatric care! 😜

My MIL was guardian for her best friend, who is now in the back of our river house.. with a nice cross.. they just put her ashes  there, she wanted to be there and so she is. I am pretty sure no one looked into the rules and regs.. and she has been there 20 years now! We put my dad;s ashes into his already purchased plot, next to my brother, and my moms name is already on the headstone. I am guessing she does not have a plot? Another friends dad wanted his spread on the ocean.. not allowed. However, a rental boat guy took the family out for a "wake on the water" and dad somehow ended up overboard.. It happens,, and I am pretty sure the boat guy knew it was going to.. In my mind it's not like you are burying a body.. lots of people I know go for a hike,,, So I guess my take is NO to the trash.. but OK with the garden!

This might be an option from the Neptune Society;
Neptune Society offers a unique and more permanent alternative to scattering ashes at sea– the Neptune Memorial Reef. The reef lies 3.25 miles off the coast of Key Biscayne, Florida, and when completed it will cover 16 acres of ocean floor. To be memorialized here, the individual’s cremains are mixed with concrete, shaped into forms such as sea stars or shells, marked with identifying information, and placed on the ocean floor. These forms create shelter for marine life, giving ocean lovers a chance to continue to “give life after life.”

It's a nice thought while keeping a reef alive.

Good luck with your decision.

Just a note: Cremains are very salty and may kill a shrub or flowers. If you want a memorial planting, I would suggest asking a green burial facility for advice.
I wouldn't keep the cremains. They are not giving you any comfort. If your mom was indigent, many cemeteries have reduced burial rates. The indigent section of the cemetery where my great grandparents are buried is beautiful.

Regulations on spreading of cremains have largely disappeared. What a nightmare to enforce! But check regulations in your area, then spread them privately in a quiet location.

I have 1/2 of my husband's cremains in a drawer to be buried with mine in my father's family plot in the country. The other half of his cremains was buried in his mother's family plot in the city--she had bought tombstones for herself, her husband and her two children--but not her children's spouses! I already have a tombstone erected in the country cemetery, all it needs is date of death for me. I told my 2 children I didn't care what they did with the ashes, but please have the date of death engraved on my tombstone. If your mother expressed no desire on what to do, just scatter them over your lawn--probably the best solution for all of us!

OnlyChildCarer, you have probably spent way too much time than your mom deserved agonizing over what to do. Good for you for caring even though your mother certainly seemed like a "challenging" person. I love SueC1957's idea above - your mom can be doing something positive in death that apparently she could not do in life. An ocean is a lovely place to place ashes. You don't break any laws. And you don't inflict her ashes on any personally special places of your own. It is time to break free! Call the Neptune Society and move on. Best wishes.

I say to heck with the laws. I got some of my brothers ashes from sil and put them in ground beside sisters grave and plan to do same with moms and mine! I will put some of moms in local lake because she liked to fish. Don't overthink this, just do what you think right and give her soul a place. None of us know what happens after death.

I heard of someone taking a ferry ride &' ...oops they fell out of my hand' - end of story - if nowhere else how about at Niagara Falls as she churned up those around her so she will be churned forever .... poetic justice? - depends where you live there must be somewhere where you can do this even from a bridge [over troubled waters?]

Then you will jettison those negative vibes that linger now - when you hear of that place again or drive by that bridge you can think of her but only then so pick the place accordingly - you've done your best but now is the time to move on with your life with head high & a smile of accomplishment that can never be dimmed

Just dig a deep hole and place her there. No need to scatter. If you are concerned about someone finding it just dig deep and add rocks to keep it down. Heavy rocks if you have them. Just a thought. Keeping it simple.

Just dig a deep hole and place the urn there. No need to scatter. If the concern is someone finding it dig deep and add heavy rocks before covering with dirt. Just keep it simple.

I am sorry for your loss. My DH passed on Saturday and I bought a biodegradeable urn and am planting a tree with his ashes. I like this site: www.thelivingurn.com

Not only are they reasonable, but the variety of bushes and trees exceeds any other site we found.

I actually have a plot and a standing tombstone - but I prefer to return my sweet DH to the garden that he so loved while he was still among us.

Just a thought. And again, I am sorry for your loss.

Thank you for asking this question. We will be facing the same situation sometime in the future. My husband is an only child and we are caring for his 94 yr. old mother. She, too, has made arrangements for cremation and we’ve wondered what to do when the time comes. Despite the kind of person she has been, similar to what you have described with your mother, we want to be respectful. The discussion here has given me some ideas to propose to my husband. Whatever you choose to do, I pray you’ll be at peace with the decision and be able to let go of any anger or bitterness. We have had to deal with forgiving over and over again for things said and done. I pray you can do the same.

Not sure if it applies in all US states, but in some, you have to be able to let the government (IRS, etc) know where the person is in case any issue comes up. If you scatter, there should be a small amount kept just in case of this.

Mother received 1/5 of my eldest brothers cremains, in an unmarked box. She stuck it on a high shelf and left it be. I was deep cleaning one day and found this box of "dirt" and thought, "OMG, mother is hoarding DIRT now!" and a split second before I stuck my brand new canister vacuum in there to vacuum out this box, I had a sudden 'epiphany'. This was my brother!! After laughing myself silly (sorry, he was a horrible person and I didn't mourn his passing for one single minute)...I took the box to mother and asked her what I could do with this for her. She was befuddled and didn't know. I gave them to brother. I think he threw them away. I don't know and I don't care.

SO sad that after a lifetime, that's the legacy you leave. His kids held on to their "portion" of their ashes before they finally disposed of them. I only know that his son also threw them in the trash.

I do not think you need to hang on to ANY documentation regarding where the ashes are scattered. Most people I know who have had loved ones cremated keep the urns in their homes. We've opted for niches in the cemetery in the mountains we both love. A dear friend is making our "boxes".

Countrymouse--Now I'm curious about the joke! Maybe you could send it "privately"? (I could use a good laugh!)

I have never heard of the IRS wanting to know where the body was. What would you say if it was a person that was carried off by animals and no one knew where most of the body was? I used to be on a Search and Rescue Team and dealt with this.

Back in the 1980's I was in charge of issuing scattering permits for the National Forest in California where I worked. Mainly it was so they would sort of be scattered evenly and not all piled in one location. Like this person on Thomas Mountain, second person on Black Mountain, third person Alvin Meadow. etc.

I don't recommend Neptune Society because the last time I checked they were pretty expensive.

You need to respect your mother whatever she did to you as she is dead now.You can scatter the ashes in river or ocean. This is your duty.God bless !