What to do when an elderly neighbor is asking for too much help?

Perhaps a good way to start the conversation with your neighbor is to say that you are concerned that you have no authority at all to do what you are doing now. It will be impossible for you to do more if she needs more, because you are only a neighbor. You’ve asked for advice, and the only possible thing seems to be for her to give you a Power of Attorney. This is going a lot too far for you, so she needs to find a way to get the support she needs from proper services – online shopping, transport to appointments, day care for companionship. Can she think about this? If she is willing to go ahead on those lines, you are willing to help her set it up. If she doesn’t want to go down that path, you are sorry but you are going to need to back out.

This is a good way to limit things for you, rather than simply saying ‘no’. It’s also a good test of what is going on here – if she isn't willing, perhaps you are just the easiest, simplest and cheapest solution. For myself, I wouldn’t take the initiative to contact the son. It’s too easy to get trapped into agreeing a compromise that doesn’t work. Your neighbor is responsible for herself, and it’s her son, not yours!

I would ask her for her sons phone number.  Tell her that you would like to have it just in case there is an emergency.  Then I would call him and have a long conversation about her situation and be clear with him what her needs are and  that you can no longer take on the responsibility of her caregiving.  Tell him you don't want to hurt his moms feelings, but you just can't do it.  Tell him you stepped in because she needed help and there was no one else to do it.  Tough decisions are going to have to be made by her and her son and you need to let him know that those decisions and plans cannot include you and the services you were previously giving.

If you don't tell him what is going on, his mom is not going to burden him with the details and she will assume you will continue to do what you're doing.

Mysteryshopper: " I cannot picture a son letting his mother's care be so uncertain for 6 months"

I can picture it, easily. His mother is probably telling him how much you are doing, and since it's easiest for him to just let things ride, that is what he's doing.

We see it all the time here, when one child (usually but not always a son or sons) lets everything fall on just one sibling (usually but not always a sister).

This woman is taking advantage of your kindness. December is a long way off! Tell her to ask for her Son’s phone number so you can talk to him …tell him you can’t help anymore & you have other responsibilities. Maybe the Son is pretend & doesn’t exist? She needs more help than you can provide. She needs full time live in caregiver & you’re not her. Tell them the truth…the sooner, the better! Hugs 🤗

Simply, have you been able to solve your problem?

Blessed,

You are a very kind neighbor. You helped her more than many others would have done. This has now become a burden for you.

Give her contact names and phone numbers of those who can help her. That is the best that you can do. If you desire to help her further, offer to assist her with contacting those who are able to help her.

I can’t help but wonder why her son is nowhere in sight. There may be more to this story than you know. Even if he can’t physically be there. why hasn’t he made arrangements for her to receive help?

Say your goodbyes and wish her well.

Simplyblessed,
I can tell you are very kind and have a great heart. You have caring and sympathy for others. However, I’m guessing you have the same problem as I do…. Can’t say “NO” to people. I would suggested to look up resources on the health and human services website and/or community resources for elderly people in your local district. It sounds like this woman is taking complete advantage of you and in the long run something not good will happen. You will have resentment towards your neighbor and if something were to happen (hopefully not) but if she ends up hurting yourself while you’re there, you could be held responsible. I suggest possibly researching these resources with your elderly neighbor and tell her that you are not comfortable with helping on a consistent basis anymore. She may get upset but in the long run she’ll get the proper help she needs and you won’t be in this situation anymore. Best of luck! I hope this helps you. :)

Been there. Done that with the widower, Harry, across the street. Though his son who lived 8 hrs away wanted his dad to come live with him, he didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay in his home and be “independent” and told his son that his neighbors were taking good care of him so there was no need to move. 🥴 Harry benefited greatly from his neighbors - me and my neighbors to the south on me. I often took leftovers from our evening meals to him. Once when he fell in the street and hit the back of his head, I took him to the ER but he checked out ok. He fell inside his home and we helped him up. With every medical event, we notified the son. Once, he had a bout of diarrhea and was really dehydrated. A home medical visit was arranged where he received IV fluids. Probably ate bad food from his fridge. Neighbor went through his fridge and threw away lots of rotten food afterwards. He often asked for help with his TV. I even helped him with his bank app on his phone. He lived to watch his investments grow. His son was called by the police after Harry was not driving well but his license remained even after police assessed him (but didn’t watch him drive). Harry had a good and fun 96th birthday. His family all came here to celebrate in August, 2019. By October, Harry agreed to live with his son. A great weight was lifted off our shoulders. They were able to get his medications straight and added an antidepressant which made him sweet for the first time ever. When he fell at his son’s home, an X-ray showed a large lung mass. He had survived lymphoma in his late 80s and this was probably the same cancer. He was put on hospice and died 2 wks later at age 96.

In retrospect, I think he would have felt his need for help and would have moved to his son sooner if we neighbors had not been so active in his care…but I cannot ignore needs across the street.

Call P.A.C.E. and tell them the situation. They can advise you on what to do or step in themselves and talk with her. Burnout makes one very bitter and thus causes internal illness in you.

You’ve been very sweet to help your neighbor but, when it starts wearing on your own mind and waking up in dread of what’s going to be ask of you that day then enough is enough. She may not purposely taken advantage of you but that’s what is going on. You need to contact her son now , tell him you can no longer do all the daily chores she has you do. That’s she’s became very attached and it’s effecting your personal life. Let him know you have had compassion for her and have tried to be there all you can . But it’s time he gets down where his own mother is and takes responsibility for her care it isn’t fair that you have been taken advantage of. There’s times we need to just back off, God bless you for what you have done.
there are churches all over that have volunteers that do this kind of care tell her son to start checking in with them. I’m sure he can find someone that will step right in and take over . 🙏🙏

I wish the OP would respond. People have given some good advice. Would love to know if OP has found out if there really is a son and if there is has she contacted him.