How has being a caregiver/caretaker affected your home life?

I know you really wanted answers from the ladies here, but hopefully, my male perspective comes across respectfully. Right now I'm going through a duel caretaker situation with one parent, 72 yrs old, hospitalized after being in a skilled nursing facility, after a serious hospitalization for a health event prior, and the other parent is 84 and needs daily assistance and some watching to prevent accidents due to bad knees. All my other siblings have families, I'm single right now, childless. I don't know how I would be able to maintain a functional romantic relationship, that wouldn't be one-sided, because of the emotional demands, burden, and expectations I'd be placing on the other person, with little time to reciprocate, and then to chase sex would just be using the person. As a man, I think most men, in general, need to grasp that old pearl of wisdom, that sex in a relationship doesn't begin at night when the bedroom door closes, and the light goes off; it starts in the morning when you get out of bed and greet each other in the kitchen. In other words, intimacy starts by maintaining the emotional part of it throughout the day, which is one of the first casualties of an ongoing caregiver experience. I think people in general, who would like to continue being intimate during this whole process where the burden is mostly on one partner, need to work to maintain a safe place for keeping emotional intimacy going first during this whole thing, then a desire and enjoyment of sex would probably follow.

My husband and I go for a walk or a hike almost nightly. It seems we get out any issues at the beginning and then by the end we are very loving towards each other.
Our intimacy is related to time together and getting everything off our chests. Since we get out nightly, there usually aren’t any issues that are so big that sour the moment.
I will echo that sex is fun and doesn’t have to be a big deal. Embrace the quickie. Embrace different times of days and locations. However, NEVER wake me up in the middle of the night! I have my caretaking duties to do that.

Jodi,

Years ago I had a co-worker who was having a similar problem. Just not in the mood, but she had a good marriage and knew her husband was feeling neglected (for lack of a better word).

She ended up going to her gynecologist and got some very low dose testosterone. It was a game changer for her and she raved about it.

I don't know if this would be appropriate for you but I just wanted to throw it out there as a consideration.

Your profile says that you are caring for two women, not your husband. This makes it easier, because it isn’t your husband’s body that has become difficult to bear with. My suggestion to you is just to go with the sex, however you feel. With low expectations, it doesn’t take very long. It is a genuine act of love when you don’t really feel like it. Just do it with and for him, without expecting a Hollywood love scene, candles, massage, all that paraphenalia. You may enjoy the simple pleasure of skin contact. It will make him feel better, and that will make you feel better too. Sometimes that’s the way my marriage works, and it works well for both of us. We look after each other’s needs in that as well as other ways. Very best wishes, Margaret

OK, I am gonna get in trouble here, but have you considered a bit of "MEDICAL" marijuana if it is legal in your state? They even make "tea" now. I mean it does kind of loosen one up.
Not, of course, as though I PERSONALLY would ever consider doing such a thing. They might take my badge!

My advice is to try to treat caregiving as though it is a job; dedicate certain days/hours to getting done what needs to be done and then outside of that mentally remind yourself that you are off the clock. I've also heard that setting aside some specific one on one time (a date night?) can be a good way to keep the spark alive between couples.

For a man, sex is physical. For a woman, it's mental. Having sex when our minds aren't into it is very difficult. If we do it for 'their sake', they'll know it. The idea is to have BOTH of us involved in intimacy so we can BOTH enjoy it. Not one doing a favor for another or the 'grin & bear it' method. At least that's my take on things.

Date night, as suggested, is my #1 preference in this department. That way, I can plan for taking a bath, setting the mood, the whole nine yards.

Hope you try it and it works a charm for you & DH! And also that you can treat your caretaker role as a 9-5 type of job, as cwillie suggested. I turn my phone to vibrate after dinner and leave it that way till morning. There is NO job on earth that should be done 24/7. Your loved ones are in care homes, as is my mother, and THEY are the ones doing the hands on care. They know how to call 911 if necessary so WE can get the rest and the breaks we need.

I just want to give some perspective as a wife who is usually in the stereotypical husband's shoes in this situation. Over the course of my marriage, I have always been the one who wants sex more. We have had many dry spells and not by my design. I have had a tough road with my mom's and my dad's care as well as a brother acting atrociously throughout...sex would have been a welcome escape.

Simple advice--try your best have sex with your husband. It can be EXTREMELY LONELY being the sexually neglected partner.

I have been a caregiver for over 10 years first to my mom and now my dad (98). I have given up my life to be here out of six children I am the only one. I have continued high blood pressure, my stress levels have been out of this world and I have other health issues because of all this stress. I try to take off for a few day when I can get someone to stay with dad. These are not very often. I am told my own children that if I ever got like this I will go into a nursing home. I will not be selfish.

This may sound hateful, and it might be too graphic, but after having to clean my husband's body after an episode of diarrhea, the last thing I want to do is be intimate with him. He is 81 and has had ED for about 6 years, so our intimacy has been non existent for several years. Now one of his meds has rekindled his interest, but I find I just don't to.