So much has happened since I became a member on this site in 2009! My mother has since passed away on October 28, 2015.

In November 2014, she was placed on home hospice care for failure to thrive, but began to come around, so she was discharged in January (2015). My mother began to realize that I was the one giving her care all this time with very little help. She titled the house in both of our names as joint tenants with right of survivorship. By that time she was completely bedridden, and I became her sole caregiver. My brother hardly visited (just twice this year), and my sister would come about once a month or so.

My mother thrived for awhile, but around the end of the summer began to steadily decline as was expected by her doctor. This was no surprise. She developed a bedsore at the end of September requiring home health care, and that is when my nightmare began. The home health nurse reported me to State of Connecticut Social Services. The caseworker arrived unannounced on a Monday morning when I was at work. My 21-year old daughter was at home and very frightened to let him in. He threatened to call the police, so of course she let him in. He stated I did not take good care of her (mind you, she got the bedsore after I provided eight months of care on my own, the only bedsore she ever got), that she wasn't eating (she wouldn't eat) and that I was neglectful. He called my brother and sister for a "family conference". He started to force my mother into Medicaid proceedings , with the full backing of my brother and sister. I believe they saw it as an opportunity to jump on board because the caseworker wanted to go to court to reverse the title of the house back to my mother.

After two weeks of harassment, unscheduled visits, and threatening phone calls from the caseworker, I contacted an attorney who was a lifesaver.
Three weeks after this all started, my mother passed peacefully. My youngest daughter and I were with her. My sister came by the day before, my brother never came. My brother would not talk to me or my daughter at the wake or burial. He has called me once since then to find out if there is "anything" that he is entitled to. I calmly explained there are no assets except the house, which passed to me by right of survivorship. I explained that both of our parents had devastating illnesses which depleted their assets. I also explained that I cared for them which limited the hours I could work and had a loss of income.

As of this date, I am getting back into living again. I have gone back to my community involvement, I am looking for another part time job to supplement my hours, and I'm trying to decide if I want to stay in this house or sell it and relocate. The positive side to that is the house is mortgage free. The negatives are the hurtful behaviors of my brother and sister. But even if I do relocate, those feelings will still be there. I have a lot to think about. I do talk to my sister and even spent Thanksgiving with her and her husband and in-laws, but I really feel that my brother is very bitter and wants nothing to do with me.

I'm still adjusting to the fact that I don't have to rush home after work anymore or that I actually have free time.

This Christmas will be a very quiet one. My two older children live in Seattle and I'll spend it with my youngest daughter, our two dogs, and a longtime friend. I'm good with that--it will be peaceful.

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Exactly, it was time that was consumed not only with the demands of caregiving, but the constant worrying. I have started to sleep through most nights which is a blessing. I also work 25 hours a week at two local elementary schools with ESL students which brings me great joy as it's a "happy" place. My biggest concern is finding another part time job for at least 10 hours. Until then I have plenty to do at home to keep me busy. I've begun to clean out my mother's bedroom, and it needs to be painted. So much got neglected these past few years. I try to look for the positives--my roof is in good condition, I have a job I love, my 21-year old daughter was able to return to our local community college (she was a big help with my mother), I've been able to get involved in my community again and many other things.

I am sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's a bag of mixed emotions--relief and sadness for my loss are what I feel along with happiness to have my life back.
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I just wanted to add also that I understand what you are saying about not knowing what to do with your time now that the caregiving is over. I thought I would feel a tremendous amount of relief and almost exuberance once my mother died but I find that there is an uncomfortable void because so much of my time and energy were spent worrying about her even though for the past nine months she was not living in my home. I would wake up in the middle of the night and think about her and check my phone to see if there were any messages from residential care facility. & I would frequently check my phone during the day even if there were no message indicators. She consumed my thoughts more than I really realized because it was just constant worry about what was going to happen next to her and how her decline would progress and Guild over her being in the facility and guilt over her complaints about the food and care and my feeling like there was nothing more I could do. Now I have to figure out how to replace all of those thoughts with new thoughts for the future. I guess we will all have to take it one day or even one hour at a time.
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I am so sorry for your situation but I hope you can begin to find some peace now. My mother just passed away two days ago at age 96. For the past 9 months for cancer. Within the past month she developed a bedsore which I believe contributed to her rapid decline but she was deteriorating from other things as well so I guess I'll never really know. She was also extremely emaciated and her appetite was declining . I totally empathize with what you went through and I am so sorry for the pain that you must have felt during that time. I hope we can all begin to heal after our loved ones Pass. I think in some cases the best thing that can happen is for them to pass away so that they are no longer suffering and that the caregivers can try to move on with their lives. I wish you blessings and peace.
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Suhara it is early days yet and you need to give yourself some time. I would suggest you stay in he house for a year and get your life back before making any decision to relocate. I cared for my mother for four years before she went into a NH for three years. I've never come across anyone so evil, mean and spiteful in my life and, after a lifetime of her abuse, I was glad she passed away and finally set me free.

Last Christmas eve I got a call from the NH close to midnight that she'd fallen, cut her finger and was at a nearby hospital getting a couple of stitches. I went to see her the next day and got blasted "Where have you been!! I expected you to come running through the hospital door any minute". For what? a cut finger? What could I do? "Well, you could have kept me company!". And that was how it was her whole life me, me, me, me.

I live out in the country now and this Christmas it will jut be me and my dogs, peace and quiet, finally free of the lifelong torment.
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