What should I talk with my mother about?

BlackHole: But remember ladies only got their hair washed and styled once a week at the salon! TRIPLE GAG! My aunt would ask my mother "was does Llamalover (she used my given name) have to wash her hair every day?" I wanted to say "because I don't want it to stink like yours," but I am never going to be as hurtful as she was to me! So I get it---stinky hair! Yuk!

Thank you for the lovely email. You are a good daughter. If your mother only knew how well she raised you, she would be very happy. Even though you are 1500 miles away, You are still with your mother taking care of her. Some women especially get to a point to where they feel that they are a burden to their children so they say they want to be alone and that they will be fine. But they have to say that, but my mother was to the point that she would go anywhere with anyone it doesn't matter who it was. She would say she knew them and they ask her to go with them and she would even though she did not know them. But it scared me how she would trust them when she had dementia but when she didn't have dementia she would not trust them. So the alzheimers or dementia is a very complicated disease and it is different with every man or woman. We can't predict what they will do on a moment's notice. We have to take each day as it comes and just pray to get us through another day. That is really all we can hope for. Good Luck with your mother, but if you ever need anything just let me know or come back to this site and someone will help.

I didn't want to go into much about my personal situation and why I live so far away from my mom, but I moved to Arkansas 25 years ago. My 2 siblings moved mom closer to my sister 3 years ago and it has been much easier for her (my sister) and hopefully better for my mom. She does have activities every day she can and does participate in and she is very well taken care of. She still has a very independent mind and does not want to live with any of her children. She wants to be on her own and hopefully will be able to stay where she is until the Lord calls her home. The older she gets, it becomes harder to not be there with her but I have responsibilities here and she would not want me to move back "home" anyway as she never wanted to me a "burden", as she put it. Ironically, she was in the same position with her own parents who lived 3000 miles away from her most of her adult life. Its rather comical that she doesn't remember when someone has visited with her or called her anyway and therefore, I am not sure my being there all the time would make much difference. I know I love her very much and see her as often as I can. I do appreciate and thank you for answering my message and am very sorry that your mom was bedridden for so long. It must have been very hard on you also to watch her become so incapacitated. For me, and I'm sure for most of us who have parents with dementia, its not only scary but I think it makes us realize how precious life is. My mom has told me many times (when she has gone through some depression) that she wishes she was with my dad (in heaven). I just tell her that its not her time yet and that it's in God's hands. That seems to satisfy her. I just try to draw on the strength that was instilled in me growing up and try to keep my sense of humor and help her to keep hers!

I read your email and I think it was great. But I am wondering why she lives 1500 miles away. It should be where she can live closer to you but I know that things cannot be helped. They do have volunteers to go to people's home that are through the government agency. We have a place called Friends for Life, and it is made up of social workers and volunteers that come and help out seniors. It is kind of like a senior citizen center but it is more. They feed them, they play dominoes, they read books, they put puzzles together, they knit, or crochet and they have a wonderful time. Maybe your mother might like something like that, I don't know, but sometimes they do pick them up and bring them home. But you do have to take each day as it comes, and pray that nothing bad happens. My mother had dementia or alzheimers and she fell and broke her hip, she stayed in the bed for 10 years before she died. She had cataracts so she was blind when she died and she had bed sores, and they had to break her legs to get her into the coffin. But you can't change what you can't change, you pray that your mother is ok, and is in heaven and happy to be reunited with her husband.

My mother is not to the point of not being interested in anything. She just isn't interested in things other than what she participates in "right now". She lives in an assisted living environment where she has done very well for 3 years after about 1-1/2 years of feeling sorry for herself and wanting to be back in her house, even though her apartment is beautiful, clean etc. I live 1500 miles away from her so most of my communication is by phone. I just ask about how she's feeling and how she's doing, how the weather is there. She is not even aware that a few months ago she had major surgery - she always says there's nothing wrong with her and she is doing great. I try to make her laugh and sometimes talk about funny things that happened in our past. I see her as often as I can, but even then, when I (or my family) visits, she is ready for us to leave after about an hour. She doesn't say anything rude but I can read her well enough to know. And that's okay because she does enjoy company to a point. My mom is 88 and at this time, still recognizes her family; she has problems with memory and repeating things over and over. She cannot remember what happened 2 minutes ago but can tell great stories about her life as a kid! That is another thing I encourage her to talk about by asking about her life stories even though I've heard them many times. I hope this helps someone in the same situation.

Since I don't know your mother or father, but I would try to get her to remember something about her husband. What did they do together that seem to make her the happiest. Did they go to movies, did they go dancing, go bowling, did they visit with friends or family members. What is her favorite movie or favorite actor, Cary Grant, Bob Hope? or someone else. My mother loved Bob Hope, she just loved to laugh. So we bought her Bob Hope movies, What song did they like to dance to? She didn't knit or sew anything, but she did like to watch movies, and she loved to eat. She loved cornbread and milk. I don't ask me, but she got that from her parents. Maybe she would like her favorite meal, whatever it is, and maybe you can put on a movie, or perhaps a record that may bring back some nice memories. Whether or not she will say anything I don't know but look at her face and see if there is a twinkle in her eye, then you know you are on the right track so to speak. Maybe she will open up more if she thought that you care a great deal about how she is feeling. There is a magazine called Reminisce and it is about going back and remembering how it was or used to be. See if she remembers anything about that period in her life. I read it and it is a good magazine that even I remember how things used to be, simple. She is obviously remembering your dad, her dog and how they are both gone now, so she is going inside her self so she won't hurt as much. But she fears living in the present without them. Have you thought about getting her a puppy? I know that is a great undertaking but maybe you can take her to the pound and see if she responds to the animals then maybe that is a start. Let her pick out one or wait and see if she would just like to visit the pound before getting a dog and not having her to respond later on maybe devastating. But take one day at a time, and try something new at least once a day, then on to the next thing, then go back over some of the things maybe she will be ready to try them. Don't get frustrated or upset to where she will see it, just say ok, what do you want for supper? If I had the money, I would make a movie about Alzhiemers and call it, What do you want for supper? HaHa that would be great movie.

Hi, my dad is 82 and when I see him we talk about his friends to start with. Then if we happen to talk about something that happened 30 years ago, when he was in the work force, thats OK to. Coaxing answers out of your Mum can be trying so start with the weather today, the lovely flowers in the garden at your place or next door. Why not an adults colouring book with felt pens, and doing some with her? Does she like music? Talk about the songs she likes, anything to get her talking a little. Did she have opinions on things and events? What about word find puzzles, really easy ones. Did she used to knit? If yes, get her a ball or two of wool and some needles. I hope some of these ideas might help, all the best, Arlene Hutcheon

TouchMatters, I'm so glad you said -- in so many words -- that it's OK not to make (force) conversation. The way this thread was going, I did not think I would hear that validation.

As my mom became increasingly blank, it sucked the life out of me. No way in h*ll could I be the non-stop magpie as I sat there amongst decades worth of Mom's third-class mail, catalogs and church bulletins, trying not to gag on the combination of mildewy house smell and unwashed hair.

What little talking mom chose (was able?) to do was mostly limited to talking me through the minuate of her billpaying (which I could have done in my sleep -- or online, if she'd have let me)..... insisting that mundane tasks such as putting a used paper towel in the wastebasket or rinsing a glass HAD to be done HER way ......or flying off the handle every time I suggested safer/saner home adaptations, a medical workup or bringing in outside help.

All that and be the enertainer, too? Nope. "All that" was all I could take. I'm not a total jerk. I'd initiate normal conversation as opportunities presented themselves. And the attempted exchange would end quickly, because of mom's blunted communication skills.

My mom hated questions, too. I get it now. Her dementia was worse than she presented. Concocting appropriate responses was very stressful for her. Hence the knee-jerk "NO" and "I know what I'm doing!" and "Stop asking me questions."

soulfulgirl29: You struck a nerve with me when you said about your mother "she hates questions." I had to leave my state and move 400 miles away to live with my mother right before (6 months) she died. I must have been really dumb because I didn't catch on not to ask her questions. She said something like "she didn't like questions," but they were simple ones like "what did you think of that meal?" She must have been more ill than I thought. It's a moot point, but you helped me. Does like mom like bird watching? You could get her a bird feeder if she likes them.

It is known that verbal communication accounts for about 9% of communication. The rest is non-verbal. I would suggest:
(1) Ask yourself how you feel inside and why you feel a need to talk? If you are clear on your 'inner messages,' and motivations, you will feel more inner equanimity. You might feel guilty or driven by beliefs that you are supposed to entertain her or offer stimuli. The "I shoulds"
(2) As a massage therapist, I suggest you offer her a hand massage or some very gentle 'intentional touch' - to bring you (and her) to the present with the intention of connection through non-verbal touch;
(3) Offer to go through a magazine or family photo album. If she isn't interested, you sit there for as long as you wish and read what will inspire and calm you and bring you peace. If you feel peace inside, she will feel this, too.
(4) Realize that you may have a belief that you are responsible to be Ms. Fix-It. You need to find the authentic you inside - perhaps you are deeply saddened about this situation and looking for a diversion or ways to mask your own feelings of despair and grief. If you deal with your feelings-and come from a pure place, however you interact w/your mom will come through with loving intentions. You might want to start a journal - and how your relationship with your mom has changed and how you have changed as a result. Do what you need to do to sustain yourself emotionally - and otherwise. The more you can do this, the more present you can be in the moment with your mom.

Foot rubs are good too.

Soulfulgirl29, when I cared for My Mother Who had Alzheimer's I knew the end was approaching...fast, therefore instead of being sad and accepting the enivitible I decided We are going to make this time the best time ever. I recited poetry which Mam often recited from Her early School days, and Mam always took over that poem, and when Mother became stuck for the next line, I would start a different poem. We sand the old Irish songs together, plus I had Mam listen to Seannachais telling old humorous stories from My I-pad. We took drives to the coast and watches the crashing waves, and the Fishermens trawlers bring in their catch, plus on the bad days when Mother didn't feel like getting up, I would hop into Mothers double bed next to Her and say something like, oh I bet You had a lot of Boys Who admired You when You were a young handsome Girl, and I could immediately see the sparkle in Mothers eyes as She would tell Me of those beautiful times growing up in rural Ireland in the 1930s and 40s, and dancing at the cross roads, and the lovely happy times which I had Mam relive, many times.
I have beautiful memories now that Mother is gone to God, of the beautiful times We shared during the last three years of My darling Mothers long and happy Life.
Give it a chance as Caring for a Loved One can be so beautiful if You let it.

I used to chat to my dad about the good old days. He loved sport and as kids would take us with him to the grounds. I could see he enjoyed being reminded of those times. I would also show him things from his window. It is hard because one often run out of things to say, but generally I think they cant remember you said it the day before, so I would often repeat myself. He liked to sing, so we would often sing a bit together. I miss him now.

Sometimes just the nearness of you is enough and yes back rubs are very soothing - calms and lowers stress

Read bible scripture to her even if she's a spiritual person or not.

I also think music might help, even if she doesn't seem to like it. If you played music from her times, in the background....some song might trigger a memory and she might start to sing along or tap her fingers etc. My Mom CAN talk, but doesn't really want to. She still knows how to play SKIPBO....a simple card game she's liked for years, so we do that on almost every visit.

I am sorting through my Mom's storage boxes, and taking pictures to her that I am finding....showing her and asking casually, where this was taken and who is that in the picture with her. Writing on the back if she remembers. When you get back into the 'old days', it amazing how much gets remembered and mentioned. Once with my Dad, it was Christmas Day, and he was in Memory Care....he didn't seem in touch with how it was Christmas at all, even though the place was decorated and there was a tree and music playing. He seemed in his own world. I just asked one simple question...."Dad, when you were a little boy living with your parents, did you cut your own Christmas tree or buy one?" We had a very full one hour conversation all about Christmas in the 1930s. He remembered lots of specifics, and different christmases, and gifts he got....and what Grandma cooked for dinner....and whether they ate at dinner (the noon meal if you were from Maine!) or supper (the evening meal). I learned so much! And he was having fun remembering it all. If he didn't remember, I just asked a new question, or he just went on to something different. And somewhere in the middle of that, he looked around at the living room of his cottage and said, " Hey, today is Christmas isn't it?" I just said, " Yeah...that's why I was asking you about your kid Christmases..." and off he went again. I believe most of what he was telling me was true memory as some was things I had heard at other times.....but it certainly brightened his day, and kept us from just sitting there looking at each other....

Reading thru these great suggestions made me remember something about my mom. Near the end she barely would say yes or no. The boys scouts from our church came over around Christmas and asked if they could sing some hiday songs for my parents. Of course, my dad was napping and it was just me and my mom. The kids started to sign Rudolph the red nose Reindeer and I look over at my mom and she is singing every word right along with them! Every night I would say to my mom while laying in bed if she would like to pray and I would start with Hail Mary full of grace and my mom would say the entire prayer. She also knew every word of the our father. This amazed me because like I said I could barely get a yes or no out of her all day. I really do believe that dementia patients do understand what you are saying even though I was told by the doctor that it was just the last part of the brain that still worked. From that time on if I didn't feel good or just ran out of things to say, I would sing xmas songs and prayers from mass that my mom remembered. My mom used to go to mass daily.

When my mom was in the nursing home, she wasn't really able to converse beyond one or two words. She didn't seem to focus on anything like photos or TV, or any conversation. And just sitting with her was really hard. So I started doing her hair every time I'd visit. The staff would shower her two or three times a week, and wash her hair, but just let it dry naturally. So I brought a steam type hair setter in with me, and I'd wheel her chair into her room, and I'd comb and set her hair. I would put on the old Soap opera that she used to like, or music, and talk about everyone in the family. Even if it was the same stuff I said before. She surely wouldn't remember. I think she liked having her hair worked on, because some of her anxiety (a problem with her) would reduce a bit. And she's certainly look better once I combed her hair out. ...Several years later, when dad was in the assisted living for dementia, he could communicate a bit more, and was a little more alert. With him I always brought him coffee and donuts ( he always had a terrible sweet tooth) , and sometimes traditional Italian foods like he was used when Mom cooked. And we'd share lunch. I also brought in photos. Old photos that I found around his house as I was clearing it out. I made up an album, titled "La Mia Famiglia, (My Family) Photos from the home of Aldo M*****." Every visit, I brought about 5 or 6 photos. He'd look at them, and he'd talk a bit about them, while I mounted them into the book. It gave us something to talk about. The album would stay in his room, and the caregivers on the other shifts would look at the photos and ask him about them. Some of the photos were of him as a teen playing baseball, or as a young man in the war, or with the other men of the family (looking a bit like the Mafioso) and us kids too. The photo brought lots of comments from the workers and I believe, help provide some mental stimulation for him while he could still interact.

In 1997, my father had a second heart bypass operation; I got him paint by number sets and some for myself and my niece; we'd all have "art" therapy sessions to help him make a good recovery. This really worked like a dream

Watch something on TV together and talk about it during the breaks. Take rides and comment on what you see. Share gratitude for God's gifts in your lives. Explain what's in the paper. Talk about the day's schedule. Talk about the food you're eating. We never tire talking about nature and what's happening out there-- the trees, clouds, weather.

These are some wonderful suggestions that I will but into practice. Something that has really helped me is taking a Bible with me and reading to my mom from it. Be sure it is a modern translation so that it is worded in a way that you can understand. (I really like "The New World Translation Of The Holy Scriptures) You'd be surprised how comforting it is for the both of you. Even if your not sure if your mom understands you or not, yiu are being comforted by what you read. You can actually get a free copy of the Bible from the website JW.org, or simply go there and read from your phone. I also sing older songs that my mother use to sing with us. Hold her hand while you read and sing to her. This cruel desease cannot be stopped at this time but God and dear friends, such as the people on this site can give you the comfort and strength to continue.

I don't have an answer, but I am so very sorry for all of you going through this. My mother was able to talk up until the last stroke took her ability and I was heartbroken. For those of you with parents that can no longer share their memories, I am so sorry and will keep you in my prayers...

Seems like a lot of good suggestions below. My grandmother was like this and I was only 10 so I didn't know what to do. I tell my mother little funny or positive stories about my cat's behavior, feeding the wild birds, my neighbors etc. I also ask her about her childhood - she seems to like to tell those stories.

You can show photo albums of past events and loved ones. Most times just looking at her and making your own memories of how her hair curls, the lines in her face, etc. will form lasting memories for you. Take her outside anyway. She needs Vitamin D (sunshine) for about 15 mins. It will help. Who doesn't like birds and bees flying around doing their magic?

I talk about the weather, my day, my husband. I took up knitting so I would have something to do for the daily hour or two that I give to my mother. We take wheelchair walks up the block and back, which she loves. When my brother visits he brings his art supplies and draws, trying to get her to help, like smearing/blending the chalk on the paper. She still talks, but mostly makes no sense. Just your presense helps. That is why I go daily. Not everyone can do that. Do the best you can, learn, and do not beat yourself up. We are all trying to cope. It is an unfair disease.

The newspaper suggestion is good. Magazines too. Maybe set aside anything you want to browse, like a catalog or AAA magazine, to take with you to go over with Mom. That way you're accomplishing something you want to do too. I never had the chance to read the Harry Potter books so am starting with my son's Year 1 today and hope to read a few pages with my Mom daily. If it's too stimulating or the images seem to disturb her we'll switch to something else. Your mere presence is probably a great comfort to your Mom. I used to push my Mom in her wheelchair all around the halls of her Assisted Living to check out the wreaths and seasonal decorations on residents' apartment doors. Good luck -- prayers and strength to you.

Some of you have said asking a lot of questions is stressful for your loved one, I get that. I have found that even when I get no response from my mom I can use the conversation starters to talk about myself. For example: What kind of games did you play when you were in school mom? When I was little we used to play....

My mom wasn't too verbal either but I could see the difference in her eyes when I would sit beside and just talk. I never had a silent thought. Try not to ask questions or ask do you remember. Could always use "I remember when we were kids...", etc. I think my mom just wanted to feel included and normal. I would soak her fingers and polish her nails. Sometimes it took 2 or 3 days to finish. Made sure people commented about her nails which made her smile. I would put TV shows on that i could talk to her while watching (nothing like you would miss the storyline while talking). My mom and I would faithfully watch The Long Island Medium. I would always jokingly say if I ever get to see Theresa you better come visit me. About a year after my mom passed i had the opportunity to join a group reading with a medium and my mom came through. This was proof to me that although she was not verbal, she did get some of the things I talked about. Doesn't really matter what you do, it just matters that you are there. Best wishes 🙏😇

Around Mother's Day this year, my mom quit talking, before that it wasn't much but she'd always say 'I love you too (insert a name)' It was extremely hard for us when almost overnight she stopped saying anything at all. She ended up having a bad fever & UTI that took over a month and 4 rounds of antibiotics to take care of. She's never fully bounced back from that and still isn't talking. I realized by some MINOR reactions that she understanding a lot of what's going on so I decided to try simple things to connect with her. My mom was an elementary school teacher and very loving woman. So I decided to start giving her a little kiss on the cheek and saying 'Can you give me some sugar?' Then I'll put my cheek VERY close to her lips and wait (bc she does everything in super slow motion) After several seconds I'll feel the faintest kiss or hear a little kiss sound. It's the sweetest thing! It took a few times before she did it but since starting this, she's had several times of trying to talk. I keep questions simple also like do you need to use the potty? When she has responded it's usually her saying 'I need to
Go to the bathroom' rather than just yes. Or sometimes we try giving her 2 options like do you want crackers or fruit. She doesn't answer 90% of the time but we keep trying. Also, my dad is better at doing this than I am, but when he comes home from work, he just tells her about his day like he normally would. He never gets much response but since it seems she's aware of things, he still
Tries to talk to her like his wife as much as possible (although it's very hard sometimes) Last thing is we try not to overdo it either. When she was talking, if someone talked loudly or too much, she would say, you talk a lot :)