How can I protect myself from hurtful untrue statements and accusations? - AgingCare.com

How can I protect myself from hurtful untrue statements and accusations?

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My aunt has begun accusing me of stealing because I bought her a fridge, at her request! She ha called family members and I'm not sure who else to say I am spending all her money. She is convinced that there was nothing wrong with her fridge and I am just spending her money. She alternates between telling me how wonderful I am and how I am stealing her money. She is perfectly nice and normal with everyone else, including her doctor. I worry that I don't know who she is telling these hateful things to and how to defend myself

I am having a really hard time with the nasty late night calls, but I can't not answer because I am afraid the one time I don't answer, it will be an emergency. She is a very sweet lady, until you cross her, then she cuts you out. I can't afford for that to happen, I am her main caregiver. Help, I am really having a hard time knowing what to do.

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ANY & ALL MONEIES SHOULD BE THE MONEY OF THE CARE RECIPIANT'S NEVER YOURS -

you should remember you must take of yourself .... a wise person told me 'it is selfish of you to not keep up with your own health & well being' meaning what would happen to your loved if you were taken very sick & in hospital or worse died ....... how often have you heard about the caregiver dies before the one needing care] - you need to save for your own old age too so do NOT deplete your chance of a gracious old age to pay for someone who was not careful of their's if that is the case - mom fortunately saved regularly

Another wise person told me to never to learn to give mom her insulin - the gov't agency will not give as much help if you are taking on that burden but then we live in Canada so much of that is covered if you can't do it yourself - thanks to the medical coverage we get [we don't understand americans who are against this]
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BostonGranny: Whatever you do, do NOT deplete your funds.
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Mocam good idea, thanks! liamalover- so true. I have begun to look at places that I think she could adjust to. I know I cannot move in with her, nor can I quit my job so at some point, sooner rather than later, she will have to go to assisted living. I am grateful that she has the funds available- I'm not sure what I would do - I can't afford to pay.
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"The living by herself" is going to come to a stopping point soon. The dementia train is not one you want to board. This person will not realize her decline because her brain does not work right.
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When I took over my mom's care, I opened an account in her bank because I didn't deal with that bank. Money is moved every month into that account to cover her nursing home care etc. then I write cheques from my account. When she asks who is paying I can say honestly everything is coming out of my account then she is happy to use whatever is needed.
I know it is skirting the truth but it is so much better than dealing with her accusations. She doesn't get upset or angry anymore which is better for her health because besides dementia she has had 1 moderate stroke & 1 TIA & I worry the she'll have a stroke when she is on a 'tear'.
To GIVEAHUG - any reno will only increase house value & is protecting that investment until the day it needs to be sold so tell everyone else it is investing in future. Even things for disabled will make your dad's home more valuable because more & more baby boomers need those 'extras' not in most homes.
How ever if you are doing some of the work yourself [like painting] keep a log to so what you are doing with before/during/after pix. If someone from family actually come to help too [lol] log & pix them too plus all workers hired to keep a full record. Bonus will be that should help any warrenty that comes with reno but afterwards breaks down/causes problem - I have even gone outside & took a pix of licence plates of workmen. Stops 'I don't have a record of who did it' from management.
Good luck we all have family to juggle. I copy all emails to myself if I deal with family to have a record. I also send a report on medical issues with date, outcome, dr's name, address & phone number to other family members. I also get to have that report to refer back to if needed.
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I apologize BostonGrammy, I misspelled your name!
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DivineOne - Keep those receipts!!! That is the best thing you can do to protect yourself from accusations of financial mismanagement. It is so easy for siblings who don't live the day to day life you (and I) do to judge from afar. I got so tired of listening to the "you should do this instead" opinions, I almost didn't show up for family events for several years. I definitely spent as little time with the group as I could get away with ;-)

What about your father's will? Having his POA and healthcare proxy will not protect you from having to sell the home if it is one of your father's assets to be divided up between you and your siblings (unless you can buy them out). I don't mean to be so blunt about it however money does very strange things to people. You've already seen a minor version with the $4,000.00 your brother had your father open the separate account with. You might consider checking with the bank to see if you could put a restriction on the accounts for checks or withdrawals over a certain dollar amount - your discretion - that would require a double signature. I'm not certain if that is possible or not however it is worth a call to the bank(s).

Keep the faith! Both you and BostonGranny are doing your best for your loved ones! The complainers and whiners can step up or step out!
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BostonGrammy - You cannot defend yourself against what others choose to believe versus the reality of the situation. So many would rather believe lies than the truth... It somehow makes it easier for them to cast aspersions on your good name because they feel guilty for their deficiencies in avoiding taking on any responsibility for your aunt's care.
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Luckily my aunt was never rude about it, but I remember that we got a call that someone had stolen all her money, and I had hidden the key to her lock box to KEEP the nursing home residents out of it. Once I got it out, she saw her money and was ok.
I am also involved in a situation where siblings are acting like I am stealing from parents, when I have been paying their many bills. Also getting tired of defending from ridiculous accusations. I believe the legal name is slander.
You can forgive someone with dementia, but a lot harder to forgive deliberate hatefulness.
BostonGrammy I would tell you to make notes of every purchase with the receipt, and if there was a repairman who might have seen the bad shape of ther refrigerator, a statement might help - but my goodness it's not YOUR refrigerator so what good do they think it would do you?
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Cttn55. The attorney still hasn't gotten back to me, ugh. I am one of the heirs, but I don't know exactly what her will says. I have no idea what I'm going to do. My heart goes out to her, but if we can't get past her being upset with me I truly don't know what to do. Thank you
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