How can I protect myself from hurtful untrue statements and accusations?

Does she live alone? Who is her caregiver?

Accusations of stealing, paranoia are pretty typical in dementia, in certain phases. Are you her PoA? Are you keeping a good paper trail of transactions she asks you to make?

If you go to doctor appointments with her ( and somebody should be going with her) talk to the doctor about these symptoms. If she's living on her own, it's clearly past the point that that is safe.

I understand. My family hasn't seen my dad in almost 3 years. His brother is not a nice person who comes up from Florida twice a year and went to visit dad in AL memory care. Spends about 10 minutes with and reports back.... He's fine. Doesn't need to be there but his daughter dumped him there and is spending all his money. She sure is spending his money! Except it's not on herself, it's on his care. I learned to pay no attention to these people and continue to take the best care I can of my father.

Not a power trip. Is she still cooking for herself? That's going to get dangerous before long.

Unfortunately, like many of us, you are in " waiting" mode. Something will happen, a fall, a fire, or she'll go running into the street and EMS/ APS will get called. Start looking around at Assisted Living places so you have an idea of what's available when the time comes, what services they provide and what the costs are.

Thank you all so much. It is nice to be able to get advice from people going through it. I provide 99% of her meals. She shut her stove off because she hates to cook. She has no children, her husband and siblings have all passed. I live around the corner so it falls on me. I have a cousin that visits once a week and brings her coffee and visits, but she is not going to help with much else- afraid she will be left out of the will I guess. She has a long term health care policy and quite a bit of investment funds so she can afford a place, but she will not hear of it. I have scoped out places and am ready. I am so afraid that she is not safe, I have to work and cannot check on her during the day, but she still goes out for a walk and chit chats with the neighbors so she is not trapped inside all of the time. She "showtimes" just fine, LOL. I am willing to go all the way with this because I love her and she has no one else, but with the ideas she has in her head, the iffy part is whether she allows me to help her.

This is so normal for someone with dementia. I don't know how many times my mother has asked me to do something then blamed me for spending her money on something I wanted to do. It makes you not want to do anything for them. No good deed goes unpunished when it comes to dementia for some people. There is no point in arguing with her that the refrigerator was her idea. If she doesn't remember it, you'll never convince her. The only thing there is to do is to swallow your anger and let it fade away.

I know it bothers you that she is talking to others. If you know the other people you can let them know what is going on. Chances are that they already know you're not to blame. I know that I recognize fabrications when talking to someone with dementia. I wouldn't worry so much about the people she talks to. All you can do is what is best for her and yourself.

I do wonder if maybe she would do better in assisted living. Living alone may not be so good if her mind is slipping. If you get tempted to live with her, I would say Don't! Her personality sounds like she would be very difficult to live with. (Take it from one who knows. :)

"The living by herself" is going to come to a stopping point soon. The dementia train is not one you want to board. This person will not realize her decline because her brain does not work right.

BostonGranny: Whatever you do, do NOT deplete your funds.

It's natural to want to defend yourself against accusations that aren't true. The best defense is a good offense. Educate people on dementia. Suggest an appropriate book that can help them read up on the disease or direct them to a good website like the Alzheimer's Association. When my grandmother had Alzheimer's she made accusations as well but no one believed her. We knew it was the disease.

The caregiver is the one who usually gets the brunt of the bad behavior. Your aunt is able to put on a show for others (the Dr., other family members) but she can't maintain that mask for long. It's called "showtiming" and is a characteristic of dementia. You're around her the most so you see her when that mask slips.

As for the late night calls, that's what voicemail is for. If it is indeed an emergency your aunt will leave you a voicemail and you can call her right back if you want to. It's OK to ignore her call if she's calling too late and it's not an emergency.

Educate yourself and others on dementia. What you shared in your post are classic signs of dementia. Caring for someone with the disease is very, very difficult as you've experienced and it only gets worse in time, never better. It might be a good idea to come up with a Plan B if you ever get to the point where you don't think you can handle it anymore.

Thank you all! Just having a hard time with the nastiness. Most of the time I know it is the disease, but sometimes I wonder if she is just on a power trip and looking for attention. She does live alone, I pay her bills and provide groceries. I used to visit more often, but that seems to set her off. I also feel that she should at minimum have a home aide stop in, but she will not agree. Her Dr made a house call, five days after I called for advice, she was so off the wall. He said she was fine and that it was just a natural progression of aging- so helpful (sarcasm). I am trying to reach her attorney to find out who is on her proxy, I hope it is not me!!! I did keep a binder of all of the expenses, thank god! My husbands friend had a similar circumstance so we took his advice. I am fighting the urge to have a discussion about her bad behavior- from reading everyone's comments, I guess it won't do any good. Sigh😔

ANY & ALL MONEIES SHOULD BE THE MONEY OF THE CARE RECIPIANT'S NEVER YOURS -

you should remember you must take of yourself .... a wise person told me 'it is selfish of you to not keep up with your own health & well being' meaning what would happen to your loved if you were taken very sick & in hospital or worse died ....... how often have you heard about the caregiver dies before the one needing care] - you need to save for your own old age too so do NOT deplete your chance of a gracious old age to pay for someone who was not careful of their's if that is the case - mom fortunately saved regularly

Another wise person told me to never to learn to give mom her insulin - the gov't agency will not give as much help if you are taking on that burden but then we live in Canada so much of that is covered if you can't do it yourself - thanks to the medical coverage we get [we don't understand americans who are against this]