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I have had my life partner in and out of SNF's for the last two years. She has been declared incapacitated by several doctors. When she is in a facility, she gets coherent and very verbal and demanding. At the last facility, she threatened, bothered management and called ombudsman and complained that I was committing elder abuse by spending her funds to pay her share of cost at that facility. I am DPOA and am in a real bind. I got very hurt, therefore angry, when I was ambushed at the facility by my partner and the director, and ombudsman. Was told she was filing charges against me. I said I was going to resign as DPOA and move out of state. Then partner started calling me constantly begging me not to leave saying she wanted me to stay, just get her out of facility, she would do anything I wanted. Calling over and over. I have lived with this woman for over 17 years and care for her very deeply. I did not want to abandon her to the State. I discharged her from the facility and brought her home, February 21. Since then she has gotten worse and worse. Refuses to take prescribed meds. Has chronic back pain and insists she HAS TO HAVE pain meds and Valium for the pain. I haven't been able to get her to a pain management doctor yet, so she is using meds prescribed previously. I have begged and begged her to allow me to get someone in to just sit with her awhile so I can rest, but she refuses adamantly to allow any strangers in the house. I am aware that I am legally responsible for her safety and care, and am scared to death that she will be injured even though she is the one calling the shots. Wednesday after I checked her out of the facility Tuesday, APS came and spoke with her privately and she told said she fixed everything as long as I do what she wants. I am terrified of getting into trouble even though I done everything I am physically and mentally capable of doing. I don't know how to fix this problem. She is 76 and I am 72. Please help.

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Oh dear. What were you thinking, allowing yourself to be persuaded by the threats and entreaties of a woman who, you tell us, has been declared incapacitated by several doctors?

You fix the problem by going back to plan A and placing her. To retrace your steps, I expect you will need to get in touch with the ombudsman, the social worker from APS who was handling your partner's case, and the director of the Nursing Home. Be patient, and be contrite: you have made an error of judgement. You need their help to correct it.

But you are not physically able to provide care for your partner, and given how she has succeeded in blackmailing you - both emotionally and through threats of prosecution - you're not up to it mentally either. It is in the interests of both of you that she returns to skilled care as soon as possible.
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