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My 96 year old father has a companion of 35 years that is 85. This woman has a 50 year old son who is a felon and in and out of jail. He is recently out again and she has allowed him access to my father's checking account.


When I confronted them and told my father, she lied and said her son wasn't using the account, but I have the proof. Father backed up the companion because, at this age, he is just afraid of being alone. She is basically his "caretaker" although she has sight issues and possible aphasia.


I have his will and am designated POA but need two doctors notes to gain control which he refuses to let me get. I also have an advanced care directive with HIPPA release, but do not want to use it just yet, as it will anger him.


I discovered a $1,700 dollar payment for the felon son's dental work. When I asked my father, he initially said he did not authroize it, but then the companion chimed in that it was a loan and then Dad said yeah he gave it to him. I have evidence the felon son has accessed account, but Dad will support the companion whatever she says.


He is 96, frail, and afraid of being alone. She can be verbally mean. I told her that I would put that felon in jail for abuse if I discover more charges and told my father I was done. After all the work, care, support, and love I have been giving and he ignored my daughter's wedding. Not sure what to do at this point, but I am concerned.

They've been together 35 years? This is longer than most marriages.
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Reply to brandee
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I would tread carefully in this situation. You might not like the relationship between your father and his companion, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he is being abused. The adult son's involvement seems more problematic; he might be exerting inappropriate influence over his mom and your father. Is there a way you can offer yourself as support for both your father and his companion?
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Reply to Rosered6
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Go to your dad’s bank and tell them what is going on. They might not be able to do anything but they will be aware. (I bank at a small local bank so they would do this).

Call the sheriff and meet them at your dad’s house. It’s probably an exercise in futility but at least they will know you are keeping an eye on things.

Also call and report to APS.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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OMG This so-called “companion “ is a fraud . Get POA for your father. Be more aggressive in getting them out of your father’s house. Change the locks . Obtain guardianship . Change bank accounts..have your name on it too as POA. Also see estate attorney. They will continue to scam your father. Please update us
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Reply to CaregiverL
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Your father is the victim of elder abuse - and his companion most likely is as well.
1 - Report the fraudulent charges to dad's bank, credit card company and other financial institutions. Have them issue new cards and send them to your home. Let them know the abuser is family of his "friend" and that you are working on this situation.

2 - Report the son and have a restraining order placed on him. He should not have access to your dad in any way, shape, form... If it costs him his "friendship," it preserves all his resources for his use (which he needs).

3 - Take dad to ER and get 2 ER doctors to evaluate his cognition. Have them put their findings in writing and put copies of this into his medical records with his usual doctor.

4 - Use the POA to protect your dad. Put child controls on his computer so he doesn't get scammed online. Adjust his phone settings so only "known and approved" calls go through - all others are blocked. If his lady friend leaves him, block her phone number(s) too.

5 - Find senior outlets that give him opportunities to meet people and make friends. He needs more relationships in his life - not ones that will abuse him. YMCA? Church events? Local community/library events?
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Reply to Taarna
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CaregiverL Jun 16, 2025
Agree with all points…Best advice..
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Adult Protective Services (APS)
AND
hire an attorney asap.

You need to get some legal authority to manage this situation.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Frustrated2025: Contact APS.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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If you have proof of this several thousand dollar fraud on paying for the felon son's dental work, then you an call APS. But if Dad is interviewed, is competent legally/mentally, and APS interviews him to find out he is willing to pay for the son's dental work? Then there is no case.

This is a long term relationship your father has with this person you call his caregiver. This is a LONG TIME together. If you father wishes to pay for her son's dental work, out of his funds he can.

I would at the least take your story to APS to discuss.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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I’m pretty big on acting minus permission when someone is being taken advantage of, maybe it’s not following the express (dementia tainted) wishes or the letter of the POA (which I had and was never once asked for) but to me better safe and protected than sorry. I took control of all my dad’s finances, minus his knowledge, when he was hospitalized. I went to his bank and changed all statements to be emailed to me, rerouted his mail to my home, changed all his bills to be emailed to me, and stopped unscrupulous relatives from hitting him up for money. I also stopped the many charities he supported out of relentless mail campaigns. I informed my siblings and had their support. Dad found out once home and presented with a binder outlining all finances, what bills had been paid and when, what was coming due next, etc. I expected hell to rain down for my actions. He was actually, surprisingly happy to see the binder and have the worry of it all off him. He often looked over the binder and bragged about being pleased. It was shocking for a control freak like him. I’m not saying you can or should do all this, but tip toeing and being nervous accomplishes little when one is being ripped off
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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The convicted felon son probably has a Probation Officer. I would try to contact them. If you have proof, take it to local police.

Your Dad will be used for his money any way that guy can get it out of him.
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Reply to Dawn88
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If you can just make an appointment with the doctor and tell your dad on the way it’s for a physical. Let the doctor know ahead of time what you need. I did this with my mother and the doctor just gave a brief cognitive verbal test. It was obvious she had memory loss. The doctor provided me a letter. I needed this for a Trust my mom had set up. Of course you will have to find a second doctor and do the same thing.
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Reply to Sami1966
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I was in your situation with mom and her boyfriend getting scammed. My POA was still without power until I hired a lawyer and got guardianship and conservatorship. I allowed her to keep a checkbook with limited funds and took control the rest of her assets. As time went by, her companion passed away and She went to Memory care when needed
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Reply to MACinCT
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It would be terrible if the companion’s son is taking advantage of your father! Yet, he seems to care and trust the man’s mother.
I would just keep a close eye on that situation.

At his age, I doubt that he intentionally missing your daughter’s wedding. Either the companion talked him out of it, or he just forgot.

It hurts when a companion feels more important to your dad than you, but remember, he made YOU his POA, not the companion. He lives and trusts you more! When he had his full memory, he chose you. He now needs you to watch over him, and make sure this companion and her son are good for your dad or not.
Best of luck to you.
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Reply to Tiger8
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Your dad chose this woman to be his partner 35 years ago and has kept her around. He isn't going to get rid of her at this late stage of life. She's his safe person.

You can report financial exploitation of two vulnerable seniors to APS, because she is probably afraid of her son too. Even if they do nothing, it's now known that the situation is on the authorities radar.

Sometimes we have to let things go when we have no authority to act. Dad can and will spend his money however he wants, whether he is fully competent to understand or not he puts a LOT of confidence in what she says. That will not change, BTDT.

You will have to use your HIPAA or let this go.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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From what you have shared you have no authority to do anything without an activated POA.

If your father is competent to make his own decisions he can give/loan money to his caregiver’s son if he chooses.
It will affect his ability to have Medicaid pay for facility care if it is deemed he is gifting his funds.
Hopefully he won’t need that but good caregivers or not, sometimes 24/7 skilled nursing care is required.

A 35 yr caregiver is rare. Has your dad needed a care giver for 35 yrs? She must have taken good care of him if so. They certainly have a long time relationship and at 96 he has lived a long life and she sounds amazing to still be working at 85. I wish him well.

Congratulations and best wishes to your daughter and her spouse.

By the way, your fathers POA, if activated before his death, will no longer be valid at death.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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MiaMoor Jun 4, 2025
She's his "companion". I think that means partner.
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