What happens AFTER the last straw was taken, after the line in the sand has been crossed, after reaching the end of our rope?

I think the saying is at the end of the rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
Sounds like what you are doing Send. I hope things settle down long enough to tie the knot.

I recently “knew” I was at the end of my rope. I decided on an extreme course of action (for me).
I was on a road trip I knew I shouldn’t have gone on. Traffic and weather were horrible. I was trying to make the best of it. One thing after another was confirming my bad decision. I felt trapped and I knew the trip was snake bit from the get go so I was angry with myself for going along to get along.

So I decided to take action. I took my phone out and found a flight at the closest airport from where we would be stopping for the night. I found a shuttle to my flight, found a shuttle to my friends home where I would spend a few days and then a shuttle back to the airport near my home and then a shuttle to my car etc. This took awhile riding along in the dark. When I was finished I felt back in control. Nothing had changed of course except that I had a plan handy if I felt I just had to bail.
I felt better just having taken action.

Writing this now reminds me of an Elizabeth Gilbert quote I just read.

“you are afraid of surrender because you don’t want to lose control, but you never had control; all you had was anxiety.”

Send, I just read through this all.

Huh.

In my marriage (second for us each), our monies are separate. Realized when we met that we have different ideas about money, very different levels of income and savings, etc.

Can YOUR money be protected?

I think this a question for an eldercare attorney with Medicaid savvy. I think it may be time to do a division of assets so that you can't be impoverished.

Don't ask for his permission. Depending upon the state, you are most likely entitled to half the asssets.

It is not "division of loyalty" in a marriage to look out for your own best interests.

Because nobody else is going to do that.

Thanks everyone for commenting, reaching out.
I do have some serious issues, but cannot comment much, publicly.
Divided loyalties in marriage are just one issue.
I learned early on, after cognitive challenges were diagnosed, that my dH would not think of, or remember anything else other than what he was doing at the time, and with who he was with-that would always take his priority.
This challenge makes him more vulnerable to exploitation by others. And I don't think I can protect him anymore. Maybe let them work it out as I take two weeks off, step back. Without my support, dH may realize he has over-extended himself.

Tired of being the bad guy. If I were to make an assessment, as if it were someone else, I would think Covid Psychosis, temporary. Maybe we have a shared psychosis-I told my doc this years ago, and he laughed. One thing about burnout, I just hate it when the doctors say: "It's your fibromyalgia", or it's his [diagnosis]" As if that is supposed to be comforting, or can improve or explain all things. During the pandemic, I have lost all of my support people.

I just thought that it cannot be just me going through this, so this thread is for you all. I can learn from the brave people here. I will keep trying though.

Leolonnie, Plan B, I think the courts are backlogged, and closed.

Apologies for throwing around psych terms that may not apply.

This thread is for you all!

This is not very 'public' here, really, you're using a fake name which is anonymous, right? Feel free to let er rip :)

Lawyers are still working, at least around here where everything is pretty much open. We're heading into year TWO of this stupidity where grocery stores have been open the entire time, yet it takes me 2 hours on hold to get thru to my MEDICAL PROVIDER! Insanity. As far as I know, nobody has caught Covid19 from a telephone call, so the lawyers probably ARE taking calls and handing out advice, although it's likely not 'free' advice. Snicker.

I hope you can take 2 weeks off and step back, that would be great! Burnout is very real and so is compassion fatigue; Google it. Doctors love to throw out fake diagnoses when they haven't got a CLUE about what's REALLY going on, right? What would they know about your life and caring for someone 24/7 with cognitive impairment issues in the first place? Makes me want to scream!

Praying you can get things worked out, one way or another. Here's a big virtual hug for you.

Send, I'm not sure what's going on for you, but I you send my support.

I know my DH & I have very different thinking styles which effect money. I have a long term view & he's short term.

So I'm a planner/frugal/bore depending on point of view. He's spontaneous/spender/careless depending on view.

I worked out having a joint account for household & separate for own spending worked better long ago.

Are you needing to protect joint assets? Is there recklessness?

I found some bills were not being paid on time, as this would reflect on both of us, I stated what would happen if this continued. (He just didn't see as priority which was a weird red flag). It continued so I changed those to another account. It started me thinking about if I need to protect assets & how I will do that.

Would separate bank accounts for you work? I love the Barefoot Investment style of splitting 60/20/20 for bills/save/spend.

Then plan B gets put in place. When I reached the end of my rope with my first marriage, I called the divorce lawyer.

What happened, Send?

Send, you could become his Rep payee and that stops his access but not yours to pay for living expenses.

(((hugs))) Send

I'm the last person to give relationship advice, but I can share this -

It seems to me that you are feeling life is out of control right now on many fronts and you are seeing danger around every corner. Because I'm a planner I find that spinning my worries out to their worst possible conclusions can be a way to help regain control and perspective (If this happens it could lead to this, then this, and then, and then)... and a mental plan is put in place for each eventuality. What can I do to make sure I'm OK (or as OK as possible) every step along the way, even if that worst thing happens?

Send - could you set about making a giant poster at your kitchen table, do it elaborately with paint pots and poles to hold the ends and all the rest of it, and paint in red letters "I TOLD YOU SO." And then when DH asks what you're doing you can say "I'm just getting it ready."

Hugs. Has he actually gone ahead yet or is there still time?