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Mom (68) has dementia, dad's 73 and relatively healthy. I work at home, with medical background so I know what's coming. No will, no power of attorney, no geriatrician, no neuro, no waiting lists, no official dementia diagnosis, refuses to do any of the above. I pulled back on helping in the kitchen to drive dad to ask for help. We have flies now, cause mom likes to help and hide or wash dishes so dirty dishes and food is often hidden in the cabinets. Know what dad did? Got bug zapper night lights. She gave the checkbook to the lawn guys. It takes TIME to get all this stuff in motion. Mom fell again on Sunday without serious injury, screaming bloody murder in pain and fear. If either of them get hurt, I can't care for them myself cause I work. Mom would be a ward of the state. Even saw a lawyer myself and brought home paperwork, explaining how she has to be lucid to sign documents and how $500 now is cheaper than $5000 later to get guardianship/probate. I don't know what else to do. I've gained so much weight I now have extreme pain and I'm over 350lbs so it's hard to walk. I'm going to die before them now. I have no rights here, no future, and neither of them have security either. What do I do?

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"I don't know what else to do. I've gained so much weight I now have extreme pain and I'm over 350lbs so it's hard to walk. I'm going to die before them now. I have no rights here, no future, "

domino, I assume you've gained the weight from the stress? If your mother is 68 and your father 73, I take it you are in your 40's? YOU ARE YOUNG.

Do you have any siblings? (If so, as I always ask, then why is the whole burden on you?)

I am angry at what your parents are putting you through. You know the health risks of being 350 pounds. What would happen to them if you weren't able to take care of them anymore?

I take the weight issue as a sign of the EXTREME stress you are under, which MUST stop. It must. PLEASE do what is necessary to help YOURSELF.

"Talk" through your plans with us, and we'll encourage you every step of the way.
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domino427 Aug 18, 2018
awww thanks. I turn 41 in a few weeks. I know the medical side of even being the healthiest fat person you ever met. I know the nutrition, but the kitchen is just so hard. I can’t kick her out of the kitchen … but her ‘help’ just makes it so hard.

I'm honestly not sure what would happen if I leave. Every time I think dad's taking it seriously, he doesn't. Like remove the knobs from the stove! Cheap and easy! Nope. He leaves them on all the time. I remember how peaceful that first week was when I knew she wouldn’t be able to turn on the stove. I do think he understands she can't be left alone. She's not a wanderer, so that's good. She can only unlock the door on her own after 10pm or any other time it's a bad idea lol. I think she needs closer supervision but he doesn't see her wander down the hall with a shirt over her head (oh and balance problems) while i'm on the phone with a customer and didn’t know she’d decided to change clothes. Last time that happened bad things fell including a bowl of soup in my rush to get to her before she fell. She has started to ask for help more often, but only after she’s worked up and crying and exhausted. She keeps so much to herself and I hate that.

Thanks for saying 40 is young. I did go to a caregiver support group a while ago before my schedule changed, and they were all in their 70s and doted on me. I’m going to try to go back this week because I need to if boss will give me the night off. But they have money … and we don’t. unless Dad’s keeping secrets. Brain camp only $3000/3 months/4hrs twice a week. Whaaaa??? She’s so bored and depressed … and maybe brain camp doesn’t turn people away because of money but you have to sign up‼ and want to go! She can look so pathetic and sad and miserable when you’re forcing her to do something.

For now I got some exercise equipment to do at home. I also got a tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes on my forearm. Hard to hide it trying to help her up after her fall, and I didn’t quite jerk away when she grabbed me high on my wrist.  I’m also signing up for FMLA so I hopefully don’t lose my job since I’m out of time off, but that’s still unpaid. I’m going to try to turn it around. I’ve pretty much stopped caring for myself too because why bother? So I’m going to try to get out of that mindset because I didn’t realize it had gotten that bad.

Sounds like dad and I need to have another frank discussion with an ultimatum. The responses here have been super helpful. Sorry I type too much lol.
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can you hire someone to come clean up and fix meals. do grocery shopping etc

use mom and dads funds for this? if they question what you are doing, tell them you are doing it for ~yourself~...that you need the help. I can see how this could be difficult if mom is still in charge of her checkbook....

it sounds like you need a back-up helper to assist you when it gets to be too much.

yes its a lot of work. and it gets worse as time passes.....

if they have any kind of large estate though...it would be wise to get them to agree to all those kinds of things. (Will) Sometimes you have to make up some wild story as to what could happen without those.(Will/POA)

you live with your parents yes?? have you ever told them if they don't allow you to have some control, that you will move out??

sorry i hope someone else will come along with better help
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domino427 Aug 18, 2018
ooo I actually got an answer :) New to the site.

Yes, I live with them. No large estate, so she needs to be stripped of the few assets to get state help. So far I have been ordering a lot of groceries delivered and food from restaurants cause cooking is just too stressful, which means I'm dirt poor too. I have been specific about what will happen without this stuff, and I think maybe I do need to put down an ultimatum.

If I leave, she might become a ward of the state. But right now I'm enabling them and if either gets injured the same still might happen. I make no impact being here, except that I might die with all the weight gain.

Thanks. Looks like it's going to come to that.
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I had to tell my dad that if he didn't sign DPOA health and financial that next time he gets sick near to death, I would not advocate for him. PERIOD. It was the biggest challenge I have ever faced, fighting everything so he could be cared for in accordance with his wishes instead of some stupid hospitalists idea of what should be done. The hospitalist said he was a DNR, when in fact he is full code but I couldn't change his chart, I had not DPOA. Not doing that again, so he could assign myself or some else but assign he would or I walk away.

I made it very clear it wasn't about controlling him, he still got to make his own choices, it was about me being able to enforce his choices.

Good luck getting them to sign, it sucks to have to say, I will walk away and let the hospital do whatever. Worked for me though. I never use it.
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domino427 Aug 18, 2018
Thanks. I will be firm. It is all about their wishes. Mom wants to be dnr but I cannot enforce it. You're right, I wasn't thinking about that. If she gets locked away from the moon and stars she'll be miserable. Nice to know other people have faced the same situation.
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