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Dad is 94 and is really bored. He never enjoyed reading or TV etc. He was always busy with handyman type jobs and could do things from installing central heat and air to rebuilding wrecked cars and RVs. He hates having to sit inside but is no longer very mobile and fine motor control is not great. We created a workroom in the house and gave him things to “work on”. He would rewire a lamp, fix toasters, rebuild a carburetor, etc. Now he only gets frustrated when he can no longer use his hands to work with screws and smaller pieces. He also has no interest in things he deems not having a practical use such as puzzles. Will not attempt technology. He always enjoyed church gatherings and was usually the driver for the church bus on adult outings. His small town, like so many others, is not what it once was and there is little opportunity for seniors and many families have moved away. He will not discuss living with me because I live 60 miles away and he has lived in his house for 70 years. My brother is not open to Dad living with him. None of the family wants him in assisted living and brushes off the idea, not thinking about the positives only the negatives. We do have sitters there most of his waking hours but not around the clock.

I think to be honest that you are doing what can be done.
Children often take on a need to make things "all better". They want to think they are responsible for happiness. But they are NOT. They cannot change the face of aging any more than they could help their dad when they were toddlers and he sat pondering a table full of bills, unhappy at his inability to address them all in a timely manner.

Life if full of things taken from us, and so far well into his 90s your dad hasn't had his home taken from him. He may well die in his home and that is honestly the best you can hope for now. Aging is what it is. There are things now he cannot do, can only remember.

If Dad has the eyesite and if you can find a nice masculine type scrapbook and a box of pictures, ask him to paste in some for you to look at.
Other than that lame suggestion, this is the end of his life. A time for contemplation. Listening to a book on tape or CD.

Again, this isn't yours to fix. A whole lot in life isn't fixable. This isn't the first time your dad hasn't had life perfect. Ask him if there's anything you can do. Suggest some few things. And other than that accept the imperfection of this thing called living.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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My 95-yr old Mom is in a similar situation. She lives next door to me. She used to be a whirlwind of physical activity. She only recently this summer stopped driving.

She now has bad arthritis in her back, knees and hands and neuropathy in her fingertips. She is more frustrated trying to puzzle as she can't pick up or place the pieces easily. She tries to sew on her machine or by hand but can't manage it. She does clean her house constantly, iron her sheets and clothes, still gardens a little, does some yardwork and brushes snow in the winter. All very slowly, but that's ok. I keep her in her home since she is more about activity than people. She'd be bored to death in AL.

When she complains about being bored in her home I challenge her to come up with ideas and she never does. It's probably part of her cognitive decline. Also she's never had to come up with ideas to entertain herself in her life. But I make it clear I'm not her entertainment committee. My husband and I still work and have local family and other commitments.

Maybe consider hiring a male companion aid for your Dad who can take him to places and attempt to do activities with him, even if it's playing cards or board games, chatting, etc. Can your Dad do any food prep or cooking?

My 2 very elderly Aunts had an excellent companion aid for 6 years. They shared a similar ethnic background, had the same political views, lived in NYC, and so had plenty to yak about every day, all day. I know guys don't need to yak, but your Dad may be more comfortable with another guy.

If he's already paying for aids, maybe he needs one that will do a little more work to find things they can do together. Maybe your Dad "teaches" mechanical stuff to the aid...? I get that he desires meaningful activity. An aid could help him find, clean and fix kids' toys,and then given away? (Nextdoor.com is a great place for this).

Your Dad won't be going into AL unless he consents to it or you will need to forcibly make it happen and I doubt that's what anyone wants. I'd keep him in his home and try to find him a male aid who will do stuff with him and take him places.
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Reply to Geaton777
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He would have many activities in assisted living, so I'm sorry "none of the family" wants him to go where he could have a good time and be appropriately cared for. So I guess poor dad just molders away in the house where he's lived for 70 years.

Please visit some ALs and take some of "the family" with you for the free lunch they provide. Take a look at the activities board, stay for the visiting karaoke artist, and visit some rooms they have available. A sitter can't compare with the offerings at a nice AL. No wonder dad is bored!
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Reply to Fawnby
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cwillie Dec 28, 2024
And a lot of facilities allow short respite stays, he could try it out without having to commit!
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Here I think the key is "something useful". The library or local hospital might have needs or ideas or find places for wooden toys or things your dad CAN put together and be proud of. OR perhaps teach /mentor/ help guide someone through a project that can be donated. Best is to see dad see the reaction of the child that receives it ... even if from a distance. Or a video or picture. That will help the 2nd project.
Us caregivers have to be creative and REALLY listen with eyes, ears and heart to what "helps" and what hinders AND remember that we each take care of ourselves first to be available to take care of others.
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Reply to RainbowHeart
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How about audio books on a subject he's interested in? My husband listens to everything from Gone With the Wind to the History of Religion and stories about war. Most of the nooks are read by actors/actresses, so they're entertaining and don't require good eyesight to enjoy.

Good luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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swmckeown76 Feb 5, 2025
Public libraries also have these. If he (or you) has a library card, you can borrow an audio book online (either through the library's website) or with the Libby app.
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Ideas: gardening and donate food, get indoor plants, wash and wax car in driveway, basketball and hoop over garage, make wooden toys, fix old bikes to give away, start a church group at his house each week for conversation, book discussion, etc., bake cookies, learn photography, write letters to military over seas, find the history/science channel on tv., go for walks, paint on small rocks and hide around town, volunteer to visit with people at nursing home, grow flowers for church alter, clean out closets and get rid of stuff he does not use, refinish old furniture, get a xylophone and learn to play, call other lonely people, write short stories about his growing up years in a journal, get and echo machine because you can tell it to play any kind of music, read information, learn new jokes simply byt asking it.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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My father-in-law is similar (was very active and productive and mechanical) although he's more open to TV than it sounds like your dad is. He does enjoy watching YouTube channels we've found that follow his interests like https://www.youtube.com/@RomkaXKamur and stuff on model trains, steam engines, etc. You can get a lot more granular with YouTube than standard TV programs and documentaries. He also likes to simply go for drives with caregivers, so there's usually a 30-60 minute drive each day (when I'm driving I just locate a lake or park at a distance that fits the time available). Another thing is having questions prepped for him. Every so often he'll kind of wander in and ask if anyone needs help, and I tell him YES, can you explain how I check out whether a car's tires are in decent condition (when we were car shopping) or how to fix something little in our house or whatever. Have a place you write down questions when you think of them. Not just advice but about memories, stories, etc. -- ask about what was homemade at Christmas when he was a kid, what was the worst car he ever owned, did he ever buy anything that was sold off television infomercials, if he's gone on a train ride, what was camping like in his youth, whatever. We get a barber to come to their home to give him haircuts and beard trims and he has different care workers who do physical and cognitive exercises with him (VA disability benefits so I know he has more support than is available to everyone). Go to dinner out weekly, invite their friends to come over or join us out at dinner, go to events at his former workplace. Try different foods and beverages and kitchen processes. Recently got him an electric kettle (vs. warming water in the microwave for tea) and he thinks it's fantastic. My husband will simply lay down the law sometimes, tell him "okay, grumpy, here's what we're going to do -- you're going to do five laps around the house on your walker, we'll go outside and greet the day and the neighbor's dog, I'll make you some peanut butter toast and you'll eat it, and then you can nap if you want to" or whatever.
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Reply to DaughterByLaw
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TouchMatters Dec 28, 2024
Oh yes. You Tubes or TV / Nature / Public Television - all good ideas.
I love watching the nature shows (NOVA).

And, bringing in a socialization dog might be a good idea (vs visiting a neighbor's dog).

I only travel by AmTrak. If it is possible to get him on a train and if his vision is good enough to see well out the window, it would be a lovely experience / adventure. There is nothing like the visual beauty looking at nature (the snow covered trees) from a train. It is almost surreal as it can go on and on for hours. (Although I don't recommend him travelling when it is snowing, as I do).
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I think Alva said it best. We just slow down in our 90s. Things just don't work like they used to. Really, its ashame we last this long.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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There are kits that you can get for making bird houses and things like that. (bird feeders, stepping stones...)
Would your dad have interest in that? Check Home Depot or other Big Box Store for kits, Craft Stores might also have kits.
Most need to be put together then painted.
This time of year craft kits for making ornaments can be purchased and he can work on those for gifts for next year.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Here's some ideas...
1. As others mentioned, YouTube can be very entertaining for just about anyone. My mom uses it for chair exercises. Some senior places have created videos and she uses it to 'compete' with the ladies in the videos. Your dad may find church sermons worth watching live or recorded.
2. 3D Printing. Even though he may not be tech savvy, 3D printers are inexpensive and the patterns available allow him to create all sorts of things without a lot of dexterity. And unlike craft kits, allows him to make things that have a 'useful' purpose.
3. Car clubs. Around where I live there's at least one car club event happening each month and sometimes more. He may not be able to fix up his car, but viewing all the different cars can be interesting. Same with RV shows. Not a daily thing, but something to plan/look forward to.
4. Definitely look into getting 'sitters' that are interested in his interests. Maybe even talk to the local scouting program and see if one of the kids would want to work on a merit badge with him. In that same vein, maybe see if he could volunteer for the SCORE program where older folks are free mentors to business people. If he knows a lot about air conditioners, etc. he might be able to help businesses.
5. Feeding wildlife. My mom has really gotten into feeding squirrels. At first she thought it was a dumb idea when the caregiver proposed it. Now she has them literally eating out of her hand and it gets her out. Setting up a bird feeder or other feeding station and getting him out could give him a sense of purpose and that he's needed. If he's not that mobile, get him an inexpensive scooter or electric wheelchair. Makes a huge different in feeling independent.
6. iPad - yes, he doesn't want to attempt technology, but you'd be surprised. My mom was the same way. I left her with an ipod back in the day. She scoffed, then picked it up and started using it to text me. She's hooked. the iPads these days are large enough to see, have a ton of interesting things anyone could spend time one.
7. Larger crafts. Mom got into wreath making when she couldn't paint anymore. She creates the design, the caregiver glues / ties the pieces together. There could be something similar your dad could 'oversee' like making firewood boxes, benches, etc.
8. Bible study. The area may not be what it used to be, but there probably is a bible study going on somewhere or online. If the caregivers are religious maybe coming up with a schedule to read a passage each day/week.
9. As mentioned audio books or other forms of audio like old radio programs.

I probably wouldn't try to put him in AL. When someone has been living on their own, doesn't know the people in the facility, and is conscious about their deficiencies, it can be a very lonely place. You see younger residents able to do more. You are oftentimes treated like a child, and you must follow certain rules. You can't do what you want, when you want it like living in your own home. Someone who has lived in one place for 70 years is not a good candidate for AL. Plus the place is only as good as the people working it, and most ALs are understaffed or staffed with people who don't have a lot of experience. It seems like it'd be a good place for elderly, because there are people the same age, but in reality it's not. Just think about it...half those people will be dead in less than a year. The other half will start to show signs of dementia. And the other half, like my mom will move out because it becomes too costly or it's not the right fit. It doesn't sound like Dad is the right fit for AL. But as mentioned you could ask him if he'd like to try maybe one or two nights. best of luck.
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Reply to livingintx
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