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Until now, she was living at home with someone coming in just at night to help her. She has a feed tube and needs help. She was alone during the day and it was very lonely for her. We, her kids, can't be there all the time.


She fell and lay on the floor for 5 hours until the care person got there to help at night. We decided it was time she needed 24-hour care, so we moved her to the skilled nursing facility 2 weeks ago and she is not adjusting well at all.

Mom was lonely alone at home and now is not adjusting to the nursing home. I assume 24/7 in home care is not affordable, as it isn't for the vast majority of us. Mom is unhappy with her life and medical condition right now, more than anything else, and nothing is going to fix thst, be it in home care or nursing home care. A feeding tube alone takes away a huge pleasure in life, eating food. I would never agree to a feeding tube as many elders would not. Are you certain this is what mom wants?

I'm not sure you can say or do anything to help mom adjust to the way she's living now, which would be difficult for anyone. Make sure she really wants a feeding tube and not to come home w/o one and with hospice care instead. Many folks would rather be comfortable and have a shorter life than live a bit longer on a feeding tube.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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ElizabethAR37 Jul 3, 2025
Absolutely agree! My healthcare directive and a detailed personal letter specify no feeding tubes, ventilators, or other trappings of heroic medical intervention for me at end of life. I have stipulated comfort care only. I do NOT want to be in unrelieved pain or anxiety. I think OP's mom may be closer to "existing" than "living" at this point, but that's just my opinion.
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This is a huge life change for her, not surprising she’s struggling with it. Know that it’s okay for her to feel sad or out of place about it. You cannot fix it, whatever happy was for your mom may be in the past as she’s coping with the losses of abilities, friends, family members, and her life as she once knew it. Enlist the help of the activities director where mom is living to encourage her to participate in things, help her find residents capable and open to friendship, and keep her from isolating in her room. Bring mom favorite items when you visit and don’t listen to endless rounds of complaints. Above all, remind yourself often, you’ve acted to keep mom safe and cared for, a wise choice. I wish you all peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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She is 91. Clearly she has suffered an illness that's left her with a feeding tube. She may never adjust to this change at all. Sometimes we just can no longer adapt to changes. She WILL be cared for. There is no pretty end to aging care. The endings are almost without exception quite difficult for family to stand witness to. You cannot be responsible for her happiness; her life is no longer about happy times. It is endurance and in some instances a torment.

All of that said, it is best not to have expectations of how this will go, and to allow for time to do its work. This is a very short time to expect such a big life-move to come round to "right". I sure wish you best of luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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13 years ago I moved into the house I am in now..and the one I will die in!
It took me longer than 2 weeks to get used to the "new" to me house. And I am a lot younger than your mom.

I bet if you remember back to your first year of High School it took you longer than 2 weeks to get to know the routine, the kids, the teachers.

Give her more time.
Is there anything in particular that she is not adjusting to?
I can imagine that going from living alone, even with help, to living in a facility with people and activity all the time it will take some time to adjust. But if there is any one thing that she is having a problem with maybe you can help her cope with that.

And just wondering...is the staff telling you she is not adjusting or is this what you observe when you visit? She may be doing well when you are not there.
Let staff do what they are supposed to do for her. If you are visiting daily cut back a bit.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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cover9339 Jul 3, 2025
Don't know how much she can enjoy activity having a feeding tube. There is a good bet, it's not the smaller one that can be "carried around" but the one similar to what is used when patients are hooked up to when they are given intravenous meds.
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Shultz: Allow more time than two weeks.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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It takes way longer that two weeks to adjust to a new place. She needs time to settle in. Cut back on the visits.

It was months before my Mom started to fell comfortable in the Nursing Home. It has been over a year and I'm still adjusting. My Mom has a roommate and that helped a lot.
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Reply to dantrefethen
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You really can't "do" anything to help an adjustment. And, to be warned, she may never adjust. Some advice is to limit your visits but only you can decide that.

I have an uncle that is not adjusting and will never adjust to the nursing home. But, there is no other option. I just listen and have empathy. Remeber that they are in a safer environment with social interaction, hot meals and staff to help immediately should a fall occur.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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cover9339 Jul 3, 2025
Probably not the hot meals, since she has a feeding tube.
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What does her Advance Health Care Directive or Living Will say about her wishes about end of life care, such as feeding tubes? There is no way to “adjust “ to a feeding tube. A feeding tube makes her less comfortable, not more comfortable. What does her doctor say? Why does she need a feeding tube? Is this permanent? If this is the only thing keeping her alive, is it time for Hospice? Is it time to take her off feeding tube and allow her to die naturally? If so, get assistance from Hospice. Hospice RNs and Social Workers will help you and your mom get through this. Try to spend as much time as you can visiting your mom and tying up any loose ends in your relationship (like the “I am sorry that I …., Please forgive me,” “Thank you for …,”, “I love you,” “I will miss you but I will be okay,” “My favorite memories are ….” “When you are ready to go, please do not hold yourself back.” When you have to leave your visits, say “Goodbye for now. I love you forever.” Remember that the sense of hearing is the last to go, even after the moment of death. So it is never too late to give love. Also, her favorite music can or will help her feel better. If it is not her time to go yet, then it never hurts to say these things anyway. Your mom needs your love more now than ever.
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Reply to ElderCareAtty
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I'm sorry you're in this situation. However, I have been on this site for a little while, so to save you some time I'm just going to add a few things I have learned here on the site.

It's not your fault that she has grown old. Guilt is misplaced. You may be grieving the situation.

Some people are never happy.

People should not expect their adult children to give up their own lives.

You cant fix old! She is 91.

She should have planned for this possibility.

People should never assume it won't happen to them.

She has lived her life. You cannot ruin your middle/retirement years.

It's either you or her.

There are no other realistic options.

She is safe.

You were not born just to take care of her.

I hope at least some of these resonate with you.
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Reply to SID2020
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Yes, this is difficult, but 2 weeks is not near enough time to be judgemental about her adjustment. I have been amazed at my 98-year-old mother's adjustments over the past 5 months. From constant attempts to leave the building, getting aggressive with staff, telling me "I want to go home" at every visit... to now she just ignores me after a while and goes back to the "community room" to hang out with the others in her Memory Care unit.

Give it time, and like someone else said, don't visit her so often. That helps her adjust to more of the reality of life in the facility.

The greatest thing about it is that I am no longer worried sick about all those situations (falling, locked herself out, not eating or drinking enough, hygiene, etc.) she could get into when she was not in a round-the-clock care facility.

Just make sure her name is permanently marked on all of her clothes or any other personal things that belong to her. They seem to disappear otherwise!
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