Until now, she was living at home with someone coming in just at night to help her. She has a feed tube and needs help. She was alone during the day and it was very lonely for her. We, her kids, can't be there all the time.
She fell and lay on the floor for 5 hours until the care person got there to help at night. We decided it was time she needed 24-hour care, so we moved her to the skilled nursing facility 2 weeks ago and she is not adjusting well at all.
He was tethered to a pump for 12 hours every night that pumped the nutrition into his body. It was noisy and messy as sometimes he rolled in bed and disconnected things. He could not talk or express anything but it had to have been uncomfortable.
Just having a feeding tube prevents your Mom from enjoying meals at the dining hall with the other residents.
This is a pretty high level of care. I'm assuming your overnight caregiver hooked up the feeding tube when they came on and unhooked at the end of their shift? Could you not bring Mom home with a daytime caregiver? With this level of care it is not what I would do but you have a history of caring for Mom with caregivers in her home.
Can you bring the overnight caregiver (who she knows) over to the facility for some hours during the daytime to help her engage in life?
It's not your fault that she has grown old. Guilt is misplaced. You may be grieving the situation.
Some people are never happy.
People should not expect their adult children to give up their own lives.
You cant fix old! She is 91.
She should have planned for this possibility.
People should never assume it won't happen to them.
She has lived her life. You cannot ruin your middle/retirement years.
It's either you or her.
There are no other realistic options.
She is safe.
You were not born just to take care of her.
I hope at least some of these resonate with you.
I'm sure somewhere in her mind, she understands why this move is necessary, after falling and laying on the floor for 5 hours all alone!
Her family can provide encouragement for her. Focus on the positives. Make sure you give her attention; phone calls or visits, so she doesn't feel abandoned and alone. Perhaps the family can get together and create a schedule of who will call when.
I'm sure she is in a vulnerable state right now. Make sure she knows you are still there and you still care.
Bring a couple comforting items from home, or photos of the family.
Give it time, and like someone else said, don't visit her so often. That helps her adjust to more of the reality of life in the facility.
The greatest thing about it is that I am no longer worried sick about all those situations (falling, locked herself out, not eating or drinking enough, hygiene, etc.) she could get into when she was not in a round-the-clock care facility.
Just make sure her name is permanently marked on all of her clothes or any other personal things that belong to her. They seem to disappear otherwise!
I have an uncle that is not adjusting and will never adjust to the nursing home. But, there is no other option. I just listen and have empathy. Remeber that they are in a safer environment with social interaction, hot meals and staff to help immediately should a fall occur.
All of that said, it is best not to have expectations of how this will go, and to allow for time to do its work. This is a very short time to expect such a big life-move to come round to "right". I sure wish you best of luck.
It took me longer than 2 weeks to get used to the "new" to me house. And I am a lot younger than your mom.
I bet if you remember back to your first year of High School it took you longer than 2 weeks to get to know the routine, the kids, the teachers.
Give her more time.
Is there anything in particular that she is not adjusting to?
I can imagine that going from living alone, even with help, to living in a facility with people and activity all the time it will take some time to adjust. But if there is any one thing that she is having a problem with maybe you can help her cope with that.
And just wondering...is the staff telling you she is not adjusting or is this what you observe when you visit? She may be doing well when you are not there.
Let staff do what they are supposed to do for her. If you are visiting daily cut back a bit.
It was months before my Mom started to fell comfortable in the Nursing Home. It has been over a year and I'm still adjusting. My Mom has a roommate and that helped a lot.
I'm not sure you can say or do anything to help mom adjust to the way she's living now, which would be difficult for anyone. Make sure she really wants a feeding tube and not to come home w/o one and with hospice care instead. Many folks would rather be comfortable and have a shorter life than live a bit longer on a feeding tube.
Best of luck to you.
You and your family agreed she needs 24-hour care. That care doesn't necessarily have to be in a nursing home. Maybe give liv-in homecare a try. I was a homecare worker for a long time. Your mother at 91 is not going to adjust to nursing home life.