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Until now, she was living at home with someone coming in just at night to help her. She has a feed tube and needs help. She was alone during the day and it was very lonely for her. We, her kids, can't be there all the time.


She fell and lay on the floor for 5 hours until the care person got there to help at night. We decided it was time she needed 24-hour care, so we moved her to the skilled nursing facility 2 weeks ago and she is not adjusting well at all.

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I agree with brandee about bringing skilled home care into her house, if you can. I shared patients with other CNAs and we each worked an eight hour shift....those shifts can be tailored to whatever one might need. If you can get a good team together, your mom might be happier at home. If that isn't possible, hire a private CNA to come and spend sometime each day with your mom to help her get adjusted. It is not unusual for new residents to have a hard time in the beginning to their new living arrangements. It broke my heart when my own mom had to go into assisted living and then memory care... I lived many states away from her but I would fly down periodically to check up on things. I was not POA and didn't have a say in many things although I would offer my perspective. I think it's important for all of us to remember that we are all going to be in our parents' shoes one day. So we do the best we can... Give them as much grace as you can and give yourself a lot of grace too. And look into getting long-term insurance. My husband and I are both doing that.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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My boyfriend's Dad had a feeding tube. He had late stage alzheimer's disease. I didn't know what a feeding tube meant until this experience.
He was tethered to a pump for 12 hours every night that pumped the nutrition into his body. It was noisy and messy as sometimes he rolled in bed and disconnected things. He could not talk or express anything but it had to have been uncomfortable.

Just having a feeding tube prevents your Mom from enjoying meals at the dining hall with the other residents.

This is a pretty high level of care. I'm assuming your overnight caregiver hooked up the feeding tube when they came on and unhooked at the end of their shift? Could you not bring Mom home with a daytime caregiver? With this level of care it is not what I would do but you have a history of caring for Mom with caregivers in her home.

Can you bring the overnight caregiver (who she knows) over to the facility for some hours during the daytime to help her engage in life?
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Reply to brandee
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I'm sorry you're in this situation. However, I have been on this site for a little while, so to save you some time I'm just going to add a few things I have learned here on the site.

It's not your fault that she has grown old. Guilt is misplaced. You may be grieving the situation.

Some people are never happy.

People should not expect their adult children to give up their own lives.

You cant fix old! She is 91.

She should have planned for this possibility.

People should never assume it won't happen to them.

She has lived her life. You cannot ruin your middle/retirement years.

It's either you or her.

There are no other realistic options.

She is safe.

You were not born just to take care of her.

I hope at least some of these resonate with you.
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Reply to SID2020
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We are going through the same thing with my 96-year-old mother. It is hard. All she keeps saying is "Try to put yourself in my place". As loving children and caregivers, this may be the hardest thing ALL of us have to go through. My mother has only been there for two days. I think it will be like this for the rest of her life, because - frankly - for the past six years she has been unhappy with whatever we have tried with her, including living with us. Adjusting, we have found, is a relative term. I have learned that nothing will make my mother happy again. I have been hoping for adaptation to lifestyle changes imposed by age infirmities could be our goal, but I realize now that I cannot achieve that. I have to be satisfied with the fact that we have done all we can - and believe me, we have turned ourselves inside to help my mother achieve any kind of peaceful adjustment. It is hard on all of us. Just know that there are thousands of us caregivers to parents trying our best to achieve what probably impossible. Talk to the staff at the nursing home and get their input, do the best you can without causing yourself more stress (so hard to do), and give yourself freedom to be really mad at finding yourselves in this situation. I yell at God a lot. He/She doesn't mind.
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Reply to asfastas1can
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I think most of us have a hard time with change, especially moving from our long time home to a strange place!
I'm sure somewhere in her mind, she understands why this move is necessary, after falling and laying on the floor for 5 hours all alone!

Her family can provide encouragement for her. Focus on the positives. Make sure you give her attention; phone calls or visits, so she doesn't feel abandoned and alone. Perhaps the family can get together and create a schedule of who will call when.
I'm sure she is in a vulnerable state right now. Make sure she knows you are still there and you still care.
Bring a couple comforting items from home, or photos of the family.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Shultz: Allow more time than two weeks.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Yes, this is difficult, but 2 weeks is not near enough time to be judgemental about her adjustment. I have been amazed at my 98-year-old mother's adjustments over the past 5 months. From constant attempts to leave the building, getting aggressive with staff, telling me "I want to go home" at every visit... to now she just ignores me after a while and goes back to the "community room" to hang out with the others in her Memory Care unit.

Give it time, and like someone else said, don't visit her so often. That helps her adjust to more of the reality of life in the facility.

The greatest thing about it is that I am no longer worried sick about all those situations (falling, locked herself out, not eating or drinking enough, hygiene, etc.) she could get into when she was not in a round-the-clock care facility.

Just make sure her name is permanently marked on all of her clothes or any other personal things that belong to her. They seem to disappear otherwise!
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Reply to MomsMiddleSon
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What does her Advance Health Care Directive or Living Will say about her wishes about end of life care, such as feeding tubes? There is no way to “adjust “ to a feeding tube. A feeding tube makes her less comfortable, not more comfortable. What does her doctor say? Why does she need a feeding tube? Is this permanent? If this is the only thing keeping her alive, is it time for Hospice? Is it time to take her off feeding tube and allow her to die naturally? If so, get assistance from Hospice. Hospice RNs and Social Workers will help you and your mom get through this. Try to spend as much time as you can visiting your mom and tying up any loose ends in your relationship (like the “I am sorry that I …., Please forgive me,” “Thank you for …,”, “I love you,” “I will miss you but I will be okay,” “My favorite memories are ….” “When you are ready to go, please do not hold yourself back.” When you have to leave your visits, say “Goodbye for now. I love you forever.” Remember that the sense of hearing is the last to go, even after the moment of death. So it is never too late to give love. Also, her favorite music can or will help her feel better. If it is not her time to go yet, then it never hurts to say these things anyway. Your mom needs your love more now than ever.
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Reply to ElderCareAtty
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You really can't "do" anything to help an adjustment. And, to be warned, she may never adjust. Some advice is to limit your visits but only you can decide that.

I have an uncle that is not adjusting and will never adjust to the nursing home. But, there is no other option. I just listen and have empathy. Remeber that they are in a safer environment with social interaction, hot meals and staff to help immediately should a fall occur.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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cover9339 Jul 3, 2025
Probably not the hot meals, since she has a feeding tube.
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She is 91. Clearly she has suffered an illness that's left her with a feeding tube. She may never adjust to this change at all. Sometimes we just can no longer adapt to changes. She WILL be cared for. There is no pretty end to aging care. The endings are almost without exception quite difficult for family to stand witness to. You cannot be responsible for her happiness; her life is no longer about happy times. It is endurance and in some instances a torment.

All of that said, it is best not to have expectations of how this will go, and to allow for time to do its work. This is a very short time to expect such a big life-move to come round to "right". I sure wish you best of luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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13 years ago I moved into the house I am in now..and the one I will die in!
It took me longer than 2 weeks to get used to the "new" to me house. And I am a lot younger than your mom.

I bet if you remember back to your first year of High School it took you longer than 2 weeks to get to know the routine, the kids, the teachers.

Give her more time.
Is there anything in particular that she is not adjusting to?
I can imagine that going from living alone, even with help, to living in a facility with people and activity all the time it will take some time to adjust. But if there is any one thing that she is having a problem with maybe you can help her cope with that.

And just wondering...is the staff telling you she is not adjusting or is this what you observe when you visit? She may be doing well when you are not there.
Let staff do what they are supposed to do for her. If you are visiting daily cut back a bit.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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cover9339 Jul 3, 2025
Don't know how much she can enjoy activity having a feeding tube. There is a good bet, it's not the smaller one that can be "carried around" but the one similar to what is used when patients are hooked up to when they are given intravenous meds.
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It takes way longer that two weeks to adjust to a new place. She needs time to settle in. Cut back on the visits.

It was months before my Mom started to fell comfortable in the Nursing Home. It has been over a year and I'm still adjusting. My Mom has a roommate and that helped a lot.
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Reply to dantrefethen
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We cannot fix everything, and we can't die trying.
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Reply to SID2020
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Mom was lonely alone at home and now is not adjusting to the nursing home. I assume 24/7 in home care is not affordable, as it isn't for the vast majority of us. Mom is unhappy with her life and medical condition right now, more than anything else, and nothing is going to fix thst, be it in home care or nursing home care. A feeding tube alone takes away a huge pleasure in life, eating food. I would never agree to a feeding tube as many elders would not. Are you certain this is what mom wants?

I'm not sure you can say or do anything to help mom adjust to the way she's living now, which would be difficult for anyone. Make sure she really wants a feeding tube and not to come home w/o one and with hospice care instead. Many folks would rather be comfortable and have a shorter life than live a bit longer on a feeding tube.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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ElizabethAR37 Jul 3, 2025
Absolutely agree! My healthcare directive and a detailed personal letter specify no feeding tubes, ventilators, or other trappings of heroic medical intervention for me at end of life. I have stipulated comfort care only. I do NOT want to be in unrelieved pain or anxiety. I think OP's mom may be closer to "existing" than "living" at this point, but that's just my opinion.
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Was live-in caregivers not an option? Two weeks ago your mother was still living in her own home and able to be alone all day long. Now she's in a nursing home. Would you adjust to that? I wouldn't.

You and your family agreed she needs 24-hour care. That care doesn't necessarily have to be in a nursing home. Maybe give liv-in homecare a try. I was a homecare worker for a long time. Your mother at 91 is not going to adjust to nursing home life.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Slartibartfast Jul 3, 2025
For so many people the only way to get money for care is to sell the home. Even my mom who’s done well financially can’t afford another round of full time care.
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This is a huge life change for her, not surprising she’s struggling with it. Know that it’s okay for her to feel sad or out of place about it. You cannot fix it, whatever happy was for your mom may be in the past as she’s coping with the losses of abilities, friends, family members, and her life as she once knew it. Enlist the help of the activities director where mom is living to encourage her to participate in things, help her find residents capable and open to friendship, and keep her from isolating in her room. Bring mom favorite items when you visit and don’t listen to endless rounds of complaints. Above all, remind yourself often, you’ve acted to keep mom safe and cared for, a wise choice. I wish you all peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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