We've done everything for my son. Now when we ask him to do a simple thing, he says he's busy working. He has his own business. Advice?

I have a feeling you didn't get the answers you thought you would.

I had a friend who expected too much of people. She had raised two boys on her own and worked. Eventually her health made it so she had to retire early. In the meantime, she had estranged her boys with her passive-aggressive tendencies. She was a "Debbie Downer" as one friend called her. You suggest, she had an excuse why she couldn't do it. She wouldn't take the Senior bus. She wouldn't apply for Medicaid in home because she didn't want strangers in the house. She passed at Thanksgiving in a NH because of her choices. So I am going to say to you what I should have said to her...sit back and look at yourself.

Your son owns a business. You may "think" he is flexible, but he isn't. Maybe he doesn't feel he can leave an employee on their own. Maybe you picked a bad time to text. Like said, do you demand or ask politely. "He does this everytime" there is a reason for this. This you need to find out, good or bad. Is he married? Maybe ask the wife and tell her to be honest. And listen. You may find out that you will not be able to rely on him like you would like. You may need to find other resources. Could you have had that chair delivered? If he worked for someone else, would u have called him to pick up the chair? I doubt it. Does he have a family? Well running a business he probably doesn't have a lot of time with them. And they are #1. Do you always call him at work? Is what u want really that important it can't wait? Can u text "Please call when u have time".

My Mom was a sweet lady. When she asked for anything it was "when u can". I am not good at being at someones beck and call. Calling me at work, unless an emergency, was a no no. When she didn't drive anymore, we chose a day during the week to do shopping and run errands. I picked up her meds when I was going out. Unless it was something really needed. Since I was working p/t, appts were made around my work schedule.

So what I am saying...are you asking too much of your son.

Jude you have received may replies all along the same lines. So what could you have done differently? First call don't text.

Good Morning son. I just found out Dad is getting out of the hospital today. I have ordered a wheelchair and was told it is ready to be picked up. I don't think I can manage picking it and Dad up.

Can you help me out? Do you know of a local pick up and delivery service? No, I do not expect you to get it, but if you could help me, by arranging for it to be delivered it would be a great help.

Maybe in a couple days, once Dad is settled back at home you could stop in for a brief visit? I will make sure there are cold drinks available while you have a quick visit with Dad in the garden.

The key to your relationship is in the last 2 sentences of your post. "He swore and told me he was blocking me. He does this every time, what can I do?"

The answer to what can I do, is change your behaviour.

What you did for him makes no difference. He is an adult and can make his own choices about what he want to do for you.

You said he does this every time. I think you need to take a good hard look at how often you are asking him for things. You may not think it is a lot but I’m guessing it is.

Why would you “do everything for him” and risk him turning into an entitled brat? Our children should never have everything done for them, they don’t grow and learn that way. Now that is done and past, can’t undo the damage so there’s certainly no point in reminding him of it. It’s manipulative and not working. Please leave him be and hire the help you need.
Side story—I have a relative that works in a program for rebellious, often substance addicted, angry, and criminally involved teens and young men. He tells me often that parents cry out to him saying “why does he hate me? I gave him everything he could ever want” and the reply is “that’s exactly why he seems to hate you” Limits and boundaries are healthy for all.
I'm sorry your relationship has suffered. Hopefully with a different approach and some time for healing it may improve

I agree with everyone else. Why is it necessary to remind him that you did everything for him to get him to help you now? The relationship I have with my mother is such that I would do anything in the world for her at a moment's notice within my power because she did everything in the world for me and never asked for anything in return. She never reminded me that she did everything in the world for me, she just did it. The same for my children, I do everything because I love them. They don't owe me.

Consider it may be your approach. To quote you "I texted him and I said we did everything for you and all I need is for him to pick it up. He swore and told me he was blocking me. He does this every time, what can I do?" Is this how you ask for help every time? You text him and literally say "we did everything for you and I need you to do this right now". Or do you say "Hey hon, I need help with this. Would you be able to help out?"

I have two very different situations in my life right now. My own mother, who hates to ask for help and I almost have to beg her to, but when she does it is always "I hate to ask, but do you have time to do XYZ? Do you mind helping with XZY if you have time?" and of course our immediate response is of course "Absolutely mom!" (even if we don't have time we make time, we move heaven and earth to make it happen). And my FIL who doesn't ask if we have time, if we are already doing anything, just tells us what we are going to do and when. And gets all of the pushback in the world.

If what you are doing doesn't work, you aren't likely going to change your son's behavior. I've always been taught that we can't change others. That we can only change the way we do things. So maybe you have to consider changing your own approach to how you ask for help?

And looking at your post, you say he owns his own business, so there is no excuse as to why someone can't cover for him for a couple of hours, how do you know that? Times right now are super hard for small business owners. While I certainly don't know what business he has, owning your own business often takes way more than 40 hours a week to manage and those few hours away could be a huge deal at the wrong time. You have to be very careful making assumptions that he's just blowing you off and can walk away at any time he wants just because he owns his own business.

You did everything for him, but it doesn't look like you modeled empathy for him.

Don't keep score. It never works out well.

Do you ask him nicely and give him a notice that you need something or do you just call and demand things?

You know this is a fine line here. I don't like the word "owe". When doing "everything" for a child should not be done expecting something done in return. This is with anything we do for others. But it is nice that a child recognizes what a parent has done for them and gives back a little. What do we have family for if we can't ask a favor of them. OP may have nicely asked her son and he gave her some lame excuse why he couldn't. Her response "we did everything for you" probably came after he gave her the lame excuse. Maybe this is just one of many. All she needed was one little thing to make Dads homecoming a little easier.

I see this in my daughters. Both are compassionate people. My oldest always is there to help her friends, I just wonder if she would do the same for us when the time comes. The other one, not getting married, not having kids. Says she will not be taking care of me...but I do think she will be there for me. Not at my beck and call and in her own time, but she will be there. And if anyone " owes" me its my oldest. I watched both her boys till they were ready for Daycare. Had the oldest every other weekend while she worked. Took him on vacation with us. We have been her bank. We have been there for her during COVID because of the youngest and being an essential worker we had him here for 3 months. No, I don't expect something in return. If I didn't want to or couldn't do it I wouldn't have but won't it be nice when I really need her she is there for me. No lame excuses why she can't be.

Now, I am not referring to those who have been abused by family. Thats a whole different scenario. These are toxic relationships and need to be walked away from.

You have trained your son well. You taught hiim that you do everythiing for him and that nothing is expected in return.
I once had a girlfriend whose partner was the epitome of this lesson. My friend did everything for her. When my friend got sick she left her. As her shrink said, "YOU were the one who broke the contract".
How about making shorter texts; it is easier. How about "Dad is getting out of Hospital today. His wheelchair cannot be delivered; could you pick it up for us". How about skipping the part about "We did everything for you".
No one here can help what is clearly not a good relationship. Meanwhile concentrate not on family dynamics and complaint at this time, but one getting delivery services.
Eventually, when feelings are not so raw, sit with your son. Without telling him all you did for him, tell him of your current needs and ask him if he might be able to help you with any of them. If not, you at least know where you stand and can move to care sooner rather than later. Many people have no children, or have children who live nowhere near (the case with me). It is best to lean on people as little as you can. They often do more as a result, and if they do not, then they never wanted to help anyway.
Spend your boy's inheritance on hiring some help for yourself. I wish you the very best.

Can't the company deliver the wheelchair?

When asking adult kids for help, it is important to respect their schedules. So if I needed one of my kids to do something for me, I would request that THEY arrange it at their convenience.

"Doing everything" for your child does not entitle you to reciprocal treatment.

PS, playing the guilt card is a great way to alienate your child. I wouldn't go down that path.