My oldest son recently told me that his younger brother, 20, who has a summer break from college coming up, confided that he wants to come home to be with me, but can't live with his father, who has severe frontal lobe dementia due to CADASIL. For years our 3 boys have lived with their "quirky" father who seemed socially vacant and not available for any of us emotionally, unless it was by his unpredictable anger that caused such destruction to us as a family. Now he's disoriented & deconstructing, defiant, anxious and has logorrhea (never stops talking & is demanding of attention); he never sleeps & won't let us sleep, knocking on our doors all night. This abyss of dysfunction is shortening my life, I'm sure. And it's cumulative from decades of having to move state to state every few years due to my husband's job losses, and his bullying behavior, both probably due to the disease.
But, I didn't realize that my son, who's trying to find out who he is, yet is still a child & needs his family, is so torn. Now, without resources to place my husband in memory care I have to decide to let go of him to the care of others at great loss, ironically in particular, the sale of our home. If I don't do that, I feel that I'm going to be committing great harm to my son by shunning him from returning home; I have incredible guilt, but I choose my child over my husband. To make matters worse, CADASIL is inherited, and my boys have a 50% chance of having the same disease as their father: I had wanted to save as much money as I could for their long-term care should they inherit the autosomal dominant gene. I feel guilty...no matter what decision I make. Has anyone else been confronted with these choices?