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My older siblings are in town, because they want to visit mom, and see how she is doing. I've been her only care giver other than the day time care giver (who is a saint, I swear she's an angel), and my siblings and I spoke today about mom's progress. Or mostly, the lack thereof.


We have learned that mom has no neurological deficiencies, no stroke no heart attack, no broken bones, nothing - she just went downhill after the not eating/malnutrition/depression. She has regained a lot of strength and weight, but as I've shared with you all, she is recovering at home, having a lovely time playing "get me this, get me that, why can't you find this," oh and the all time favorite, "You can get me my dinner now," after not being more than 2 feet in the door. Not even a hello.


I shared with my siblings the abusive phrases she used on me yesterday while cleaning her commode, the way she thinks I'm insulting her when I offer to help her in the shower, all of it. I told them, and I don't know where the courage came from, but I told them I am done with the abuse. I am well aware and sympathetic that she is ill, losing control, things are changing, but to be told, "Well what the hell do you want me to do about it?!" when I ask her simple things, or yes or no questions, will no longer be tolerated. To have her watch me sit down in a chair and then say, "go get me my water bottle," can no longer happen. I tried my hardest to care for her, but the burnout has led me to a place where I no longer care if she showers, or gets up to practice her PT. I read about it, it's called compassion fatigue, and I feel miserable at myself with it.


So they are going to get with her tomorrow and tell her she needs to make better decisions about her long term progress. Her doctor upon discharge said he was 100% optimistic she would make a full recovery to a fairly good quality of life. I told my siblings, "she's addicted to living this way now." I feel that she is.


Wish me luck. This isn't going to be easy, but something shone down upon me today for my siblings to answer me back, "You've had enough."

Way to go! And stick with it. She won't do anything if she does not have to, and sometimes waiting a few minutes will be good for her. I ask mom if she needs anything.. if she says no off I go. Then later I will ask again.. she knows I am not her servant.. at least so far! But I am aware this could change.
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Reply to pamzimmrrt
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GOOD FOR YOU FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!!!!!! I hope your siblings will help as much as possible to know you cannot go on enduring her abuse. Draw boundaries and if mom cannot accept it, then have siblings step in....youve done all you can do. You have to take care of yourself first!!!! Much love and healing blessings sent your way 💖
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Reply to cherokeegrrl54
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Great job! I am so happy for you.

Keep enforcing those boundaries, no matter the temper tantrums.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Well I’m waiting on them to get here. I’ve advised my sibs what kind of mood she’s in and what to expect. No wonder they’re late...

I’ll keep you all posted.
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Reply to Hotflash47
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MountainMoose Feb 23, 2019
Good luck, Hotflash47! We're pulling for you and your mom.
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“There is a wonderful facility 1 mile away from where I work and I can visit several times a day as well as still maintain the caregiver for her if she’d like her to visit or check in.”

WHAT!! VIsit several times a day! Please tell us that you meant several times a week but really once a week would be enough.

But good job HF. Just give her some space so she can recover and you can too.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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I hope she has the ability to do what you all are expecting of her. I'd have a backup plan, just in case.
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Hotflash47 Feb 22, 2019
Thanks Sunnygirl, believe me, we do.

Her Primary Care knows of the situation and told me if I needed her help she would be there - e.g. referrals to SNF, more therapy, etc - and there's a wonderful SNF just down the street from my work. Gorgeous place. Medicare approved, all of it.

It's funny I guess I closed myself off so much that I didn't realize that if I asked for help I just might get it!
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Good luck tomorrow. Remember she may try to snow them and turn this all back on you. Have concrete examples ready to push back. The ship may have sailed on her ability “to make better decisions about her long term progress” and she may just give lip service to get your sibs to go away. Then back to square one when they’re gone.
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Reply to rocketjcat
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Ditto
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Reply to Segoline
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Well done!

Can I recommend not visiting several times a day. Take this time to regroup and rebalance.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Hotflash47 Feb 24, 2019
Yes. You all are correct. I can visit less than that.
Still learning this process. I do need a break.
I never think of me...
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"something shone down upon me today for my siblings to answer me back, "You've had enough."

Good for you! I'm so relieved for you that you have support! The only recommendation I have is be gentle, but firm with her. With your supportive siblings, I wish you--and your mom--a new life whereby you're both happy. You deserve this. Best wishes to you that "the talk" goes easily for you all.
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