So Mom was discharged from the hospital, will not go to a SNF, and I stay the nights at her home away from mine. I hired a caregiver during the day but tonight I was a literal scullery maid. The dinner I made was not good or creamy or saucy, “I want real food,” but she has no appetite and throws half of it in the garbage, and I could not get water hot enough, move fast enough, and nothing. This is hell how do I get out?

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Missus, you described my mother. When my mother came home from rehab, absolutely nothing I did was right. The biggest issue was the food. It didn't taste good, it was too hot or too cold. I would ask her what she liked to eat and what she didn't like so I would know what to prepare, but she was never able to tell me. I am not a mind reader and it was very frustrating. I asked the help of hospice care, this site, and eventually we hit upon something that she liked. However, if it wasn't the food it was something else that she would get upset about. I know I did not have the temperament to deal with someone who was so irritable and contrary; it can literally make you sick. That is why I sought the aid of a caregiver to give her food and do other things.
Is your mother in a lot of pain? I think when an elder is in pain they can become very irritable. Talk to her doctor and perhaps the doctor can come up with some pain relievers or antidepressants to alleviate anxiety.
I also thought of the nursing home route, but we decided to go with in-home caregivers. Do what you feel you can do. Remember, if you select a nursing home you won't have to deal with all these issues on a daily basis, which can become very aggravating. In retrospect I wish I went this route. Get a medical professional to help you with this decision.
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Reply to demstress

She's home and being this way, right? She's kind of holding all the cards then.

I remember my own mother heaving (as much as she could "heave") a tray of dinner at me b/c the milk was warm or something. I just stood there in shock that NOW I had to help her up and clean up the mess. This was probably 50 years ago, after some surgery she'd had, or maybe one of her "spells"....don't remember. (I was about 12, I remember that)

Mother also did PT when the "guys" showed up and once they left never so much as picked up a stretch band. I fought for "eternal PT" which her LTC policy would have paid for but brother won't let people in to help her.

Your mom needs more care than you can give her, and the sharp and nasty way she talks to you is not OK. And you sleep there every night?

You know that this has to change, right? She needs more than a day caregiver and you at night. She needs to be 24/7 care. It's too bad she is going to hate it.

IF I had "control" over my mom, she would be in an ALF apartment and get to do a ton of activities and actually go places. I'm not and have zero say in anything. She complains constantly, but when it gets to be too much, I walk out. Sometimes I don't come back for months.

Start looking in ALF's--and checking to see what mom qualifies for. She is not going to get better, sadly, none of us does--but when you have all the ducks in a row, start showing her what you've chosen and get her input as much as you can as to decorating, etc.

When she's mean, you leave. Tell her "You are not allowed to talk to me like that" and walk away.
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Reply to Midkid58

If your Mom won't do at home, she probably won't do in rehab. If she turns down therapy 3x, she will be discharged because Medicare will not continue to pay. Maybe there is some depression here. Strokes are the brain. Maybe a visit to the doctor. Tell her she needs to talk to him about how he feels.

Also, tell her that she needs to do what the therapist tell her so she can get back to as normal as she can be. Explain that you are not going to be able to do everything for her. She has to do that for herself.
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Reply to JoAnn29
anonymous570188 Feb 1, 2019
This right here.

And I know that she will be non compliant in an effort to go home.

I have a husband and a house, and here I am staying in my old childhood home which i hate. I have to stay because she falls too many times.

She sees her doctor (with me) Wednesday and I’m going to sing like a canary. No she doesn’t do the exercises, no she doesn’t eat, she needs to be readmitted, or I do.
Take her dinner that you’ve prepared at your home, don’t let her see the process of getting it ready to have that to criticize. Do what absolutely needs to be done and then leave. A social worker friend often tells me when dealing with a stubborn senior (I am too) that “events will happen to make the decisions for them” Hard as it is to wait for that, your mom’s refusal to move is being aided by all the help. Left on her own a bit more might convince her. Plus you don’t deserve to be berated when helping, leave everytime she starts it.
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Reply to Daughterof1930

Start telling her what you have posted. You are her daughter. Slavery has been abolished. Try to get her placed or let her figure out how to manage her life on her own. Even though she is elderly you do not deserve to be so badly treated. I would make her options clear and it shouldn't be long list. Please find strength to avoid being treated worse than a doormat.
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Reply to Riverdale
anonymous570188 Jan 31, 2019
You are correct Riverdale. Later on after I cooled off I told her that she seemed agitated and would be given medication for that. “I’m just trying to get through this,” she said in that pitiful mother voice.

”I don’t understand it any more than you do, mother,” i said. I walked out of her room and am staying in another for a while. My brother just called to see how she’s doing, and I told him in no uncertain terms how the night went. He told me he would support me putting her in a home. Getting her to say yes to it is the hard part. I need a medical professional to do so.

I have told on her to the PT and OT that come to the house. She lies and says, “yes I got up today,” “yes I did my exercises today.” When they see she’s not progressing they’ll know.

I’m not progressing either.

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