I haven't been on this site in many months. My mother in law lives with my wife and I and is in late stage dementia. Some days we get through without a lot of issues and others when she is sundowning can be trying. We have help for part of each day, but the rest falls on my wife for the most part and myself. The other half of the equation is my 101 year old mother. My dad passed away about a year ago. My mother can be very manipulative. She refused to move in with us and will not go to assisted living. I have a girl who is with her four mornings a week and I am with her seven days a week from lunch through dinner. My parents were married 72 years. My mother can't or won't let go of the fact that my dad is gone. She cries most days, has some dementia , and is just a handful. Sure there are some good days, but the bad ones seem to outweigh the good days. A typical day finds her crying, then humming a song she says my dad loved. She doesn't know what day, month, year it is nor does she care. She can be delusional at times. She uses a walker but at times will just say I am not using it. One of the things that drive me crazy is when she will accuse me or the young lady helping of stealing from her. A month ago she said we stole her bracelet. I said to her your bracelet is where you left it on your bureau. Today she said I took her adding machine. I was totally baffled and said what adding machine. She said the one your father used when in business. I said mom, that was fifty years ago. At any rate she was fixated on the adding machine. I attempt to compartmentalize whatever I am dealing with when with her and then whatever is going on at home with my mother in law. My wife and I have been dealing with her mother for many years and my mom since my dad died without any break. We are both walking on eggshells.

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Goodness! The stress you must be under! I would suggest trying to care for both mothers in the same place. Whether that’s at your Mom’s house or yours with LOTS of caregiving help or a facility, you and your wife can’t continue to divide your efforts much longer before one of you breaks down. I’m sure your marriage is suffering, too. It sounds like it’s time to sit down with your wife and have a nice long conversation about what the two of you can realistically accomplish in the long term.
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Reply to FarmJelly

Are you and your wife both only children? How did all of this caregiving get dumped on the two of you?

How old are you and your wife? The two of you DESERVE A LIFE TOGETHER without the relentless caregiving demands of two elders.

The obvious solution is facility care for the two mothers. What are your thoughts about that?
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Reply to CTTN55

I agree with the others. They have lived very long lives especially at home. They can't go on forever though it may seem like it. You and your wife deserve a life together. That won't happen with them living with you or even on their own. We don't know your financial s but I hope you can consider placing them in a facility. They are robbing you of a quality of life. I am amazed you have lasted this long with this situation. I hope you find some solutions.
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Reply to Riverdale

Jim - just too much!!!! Your mum would be well looked after in AL or maybe memory care. The accusations are part of paranoia that accompanies dementia. You need to not disagree with her and not take it personally, but for example, say you will help her look for the adding machine, or the bracelet. It is her reality as her brain is broken. Enter into her reality and decrease the tension between you. See Teepa Snow videos.

The manipulation is another thing, Why don't you start doing your home work for facilities Dementia is progressive, The time will come when she cannot be left alone. I would not tell her you are researching future placements for her. The only alternative, as she eventually will need it, is 24/7 care, and that gets very expensive at home. Can she afford it?

End stage dementia as in your mil is very trying indeed. Have you condsidered an NH for her? Caring for two demented elders is a huge amount of work and stress. You and your wife need to look after yourselves too.
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Reply to golden23

Maybe its time to put them both in LTC. Hopefully you have POAs for both. They are both not competent anymore. Get back your lives.
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Reply to JoAnn29

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