Trying to divert husband's request to go home. Any thoughts?

Where's the link to the article. Thanks

I solved this one by persuading my Alzheimer's friend that she is staying in a modern hotel with all mod cons (it was built in 2011 and is lovely), and I have covered one of the walls with pictures brought from her old flat. She particularly appreciates the ones of her mother, which used to hang in gloomy places in different rooms, now they are one under the other. I also put the photos of famous people whom she knew on or near the TV. Then I encourage her to tell stories of her past. Distraction is also key. I brought in small items of furniture from her bedroom and her wardrobe is stuffed with clothes (some of them provided by the home) so sometimes we pull everything out and she spends ages deciding what she likes to wear. Finally, I brought loads of mugs and small boxes, and she spends a lot of time each day tidying up her bedroom and bathroom. I keep the magazines circulating (old ones go on a pile downstairs in the coffee room) and always about 12 of her favourite books within reach which she can start re-reading.

The comments about not trying to explain anything to a person with dementia are spot on. That never works -- took me forever to learn that, and I still struggle with it at times.
Divert. If they complain about the food, offer to bring a favorite approved snack or take them to lunch or breakfast. If they complain about being in a home or AL, etc., I just say I have no say in it, that the attorney is overseeing it along with the doctor and I just say I'll look into it a bit.
I used to want to say "you're in this home because you forgot to eat and thought people were talking to you through your heat vents and you dropped your lit cigarette on your bed and nightgown and there were burn holes all over." Now I just say, you're looking better and let's keep mending, and I leave time out of it, except for things like "I'll be there Saturday at noon to take you to the shoe store," things like that.
Learning to stop reasoning and arguing is huge. And hard to do... You always expect a partner or parent to know better, and sadly they don't once dementia sets in. And if it's a bad day, usually it'll pass. Sunny days seem to be better, too. If it's overcast and sleeting my mom acts like a crabby toddler. If it's 70 and sunny, she's in much better spirits and mindset. (Has anyone else noticed that?)

We too, very often experience the "I want to go home" complaint, even though Dad has been in his current home for 15 years now. Where 'home' is or which home he might be referring to at any time is not always easy to determine. He also still refers to "getting my car and going home" quite often and asks almost daily where his car is and even though it is still parked within sight of his dining room window, he does not recognize it at all. (Nor has he driven any vehicle in the last 8 years.) Distractions are rarely effective as he is repetitively persistent and singularly focused on these two complaints. Frustrating for us to endure - absolutely, but even more heartbreaking to see Dad be so lost.

I agree about the "home" thing. Home doesn't always mean his marriage home. It could mean a childhood home.

Nancy50131 - posted a tear jerk comment, and for that I want to thank her! When my husband has some lucid moments, he always says, "I worry about you when I'm gone" as he did when he did not have dementia. (There is a 22 year age difference). Could it be that those with dementia have a heavenly definition of what "home" is? Are they really saying, "I want to go home (to end their suffering and to be with the Lord)? Food for thought...On a different note, check out the Spring 2016 issue of the Aging Care magazine. Amy and her staff were gracious enough to include my husband and I with some coping mechanisms I use. It is a beautiful magazine! Check it out (its online too).

It's definitely an endless loop! My father kept saying that he wanted to go "to the coffee shop." When my mother was alive, they used to drive to a local donut shop, have coffee and a donut and chat with other seniors. I had trouble making him understand that he now lived 95 miles away from the coffee shop, so it was too far. Then I would tell him that there was a free coffee station at the current place where he was living, and ask him if he wanted to go down to the coffee station. So, we would go there and get some coffee - which seemed to make him happy.

Hey, ferris1:
On your "heavenly home" comment, I have not ruled that out! When my father had dementia and was in the home, he would report to me that he had visitors - and they were always friends or relatives who had predeceased him. I have not ruled out the possibility that as he got "closer to the door," these people were coming to greet him in preparation for the final journey "home."

I am caregiver for my MIL at the home she has lived in for 56 years. After my FIL died, she began declining rapidly. She has spells where she doesn't sleep and is confused about where she is and even who she is. She wants to go home even after I show her that she is home with her pictures on the walls, her clothes in her closet. Sometimes she responds that she wants to go to her other home.
Three months before he died, my FIL got up early one morning saying that this wasn't his home and she wasn't his wife, it was a trick.
Dementia is a terrible disease, robbing them of their minds and us of our loved ones long before they pass.

Yes, IloveBooks, you are right.But I am also grateful for the time to get used to the loss.

When my mother does, it will not be a shock at all for me because, actually, I lost her years ago. I do see a faint shadow of who she was in her now. But mostly, the person she was has already left. I have had years to adjust/grieve and am truly grateful for that.

Salisbury, I stay mostly few minutes. If I stay, if not sleeping, she asks the same question over and over. Every time I say same thing. I think it might be tiring for her to keep asking as she has to whisper and I can't hear her. When I go she does not need to ask.

Hmm, an interesting perspective. Thank you. and good luck!

Most verbal residents of any facility want to go home and make us caregivers feel a bit guilty for no longer being able to manage their problems at home. When my husband asked, we talked about home, what he remembered, what his hobby room looked like and I said we would go tomorrow if he still wanted to.
I also did not ever say "goodbye I am going home". I asked a staff member to distract him and I left quietly. When he remembered me, he looked for me at the center. He always thought I was around somewhere.

It might be interesting to ask someone who wants to "go home" to "tell me about your home." You could take the conversation from there; get clues about where chronologically they are on that day. Maybe wind up with "maybe someday you can show it to me."

Great idea!! A diversion usually works, sometimes maybe they just like to have a conversation like the rest of us do. My special needs daughter 47 with cerebral palsy does the same thing. It gets annoying when I don't remember to divert the conversation. She has difficulty with speech but I have learned to understand her most of the time. Have a great day

Weeone: I read your question about your husband wanting to go home. I went through this with my mom a few years ago. She too said she never saw a doctor in the NF. It seemed that every day, she would see me and the first thing she said was "I want to go home". I would tell her things that would make sense at the time -- such as the fact it was too far, I would have to get back to work, or something (anything at the moment). After about 30 mins. I would take her outside (on nice days) or wheel her around to have a change of scenery. I doesn't really go away and I found I just had to be with her wherever she was (in her mind) and it made it easier for me that way. I showed my mom pictures of where she lived before the time she had to go to the NF and she didn't even recognize it (she had a beautiful apartment). In her mind, home was where she grew up and wanted to go there. She talked about her "own" bedroom, etc. I hope I haven't rambled on too much, but I wish you the best with this, and remember, most of the time, they're "stuck" in the past with their brains. I truly hate this terrible disease that robs our loved ones of the people they used to be.

Mom asks me this a lot. I ask her where home is and the answer changes from when she was a little girl and back to when she was married to my father.

I just tell her "this is your home". She is in a group home that is very nice and they treat her very well. She doesn't like the food there because it's an Asian home. I bring her comfort food a lot. Choose a place that is close to you so you can visit frequently. I know it is so very difficult. I still feel very guilty for uprooting my mom who lost her husband and lived in MO and I live in AZ. Tried to do assisted living in IL for her and that did not work. Put her in an nursing home in Missouri which I hated and finally paid some people to kidnap her and bring her to AZ. I was in the car every step of the way and it was so difficult. So glad I brought her here. I am able to see her every single day.

My dad was convinced he was a P.O.W. in a German camp (he was 8 yo when WWII began--?) or being held captive in a brothel---he wanted to go home! This was absolutely not feasible, due to topography and architecture of his lake home and the nicer "dementia care" facility we put him in (cost $5000. a month) demanded we also hire round-the-clock sitters ($8,000. a month) I told them he hated living there and if sitters were required, I could(and did) find an extremely nice apartment with sitters for much less than $13,000. a month that would give him much more autonomy and space. I rented him a luxury,handicapped-equipped apartment and fully furnished it, for several thousand dollars less a month.He wasn't institutionalized, which was really the sticking point for him. (He didn't really remember "home" either) He had his own,large bedroom with large ensuite bathroom, a kitchen and dining table, a fenced patio to sit out in when weather permitted, a spare bedroom for me,when I spent the night, a living room for his ladies to sit in,during non-care periods.I arranged Home Health to monitor his blood sugars, administer his meds and help assess his medical needs (Medicare and his Aetna gap coverage paid 100% of their costs except some of the medical copays I would have paid anyway---pharmacy,testsetc) You have to have sitters you can rely on---I had GREAT ones---and the extra bedroom is there if you feel you need to have occasional on-site supervision, to feel comfortable. My dad loved his apartment and felt he was home (own recliner,T.V., fridge,schedule etc etc) It worked out for all of us: he was safe and happier and we didn't have to try to juggle care in his entirely unsuitable home to keep him calm.He had Hospice Care at the end.He told everyone how much he loved his apartment and how much better his care was in his own place.It was a little more hands on for me,but not unbearably much more.

Thank you. Good example of thinking outside of the box!

May I ask where you are/he is?

He died January 25,2016 and I was in his recliner,beside his bed---just us,his sitter in the living room. I called hospice and they sent his nurses to pronounce.I had prepaid a funeral home and they sent an attendant to take him to their facility. It was calm and free of all the medical drama/trauma.Dad wanted a private death and I heard and shared his last breath.I've worked in the medical field---cardiac monitor tech---for 37 years.This was a beautiful,peaceful death.Hospice nurses had all the equipment to forestall pain or distress and they were on 24hr call if I felt I needed them---we didn't.One of the things Dad hated was being muscled into an ambulance and being forced into going to the hospital---he always,always wanted autonomy above anything and Alzheimers robbed him of so much,but he got to die exactly as he wanted: in his bed,with someone who deeply loved him,beside him.After being on the patient's side of the desk,at a number of facilities,I noticed how much the convenience of the staff/facilities impacted the care given to the patient,regardless of the patient's wishes---especially patients with dementia.The one time they dragged him to the hospital for a recurrent low blood sugar and couldn't be at his bedside,they ran an incredible battery of unnecessary and duplicate tests that my non-medical sister okayed inadvertently by authorizing "do whatever you think is necessary". Blank check! His death had none of that---just as he wanted.I am proud I was able to think outside my indoctrinated medical box and I had massive help from my loving sitters,Home Health and hospice. Good luck to you and God bless, Erin

That is so lovely.

May I ask where you are? California? New York? Mississippi?

Your his wife, and he has other family members....why can't he go home? Is it possible to hire professional caregivers to assist you at home? My employer has dementia, and she took care of her legal matters to ensure she would remain in her home prior to the dementia getting really bad. If you can afford it, bring him home. Nobody wants to die in a hospital with a bunch of other old crazy people. He needs the love, and support of his wife, and family. It's heart-breaking, and professional caregivers couldn't cost more than what your probably paying now to keep him in a home. Good luck. The poor man. 😔

Nashville,Tennessee until I moved back to Texas,to Dad's lakehouse, to take care of him.I'm at a crossroads about whether to go back to Nashville or stay in my native Texas---my turn on the end of life merry-go-'round is rapidly approaching!

Just leave me alone and let me die, I would prefer "going home to Heaven" than to go through this nonsense.

Calicaregiver: I can't help but wonder what it will be like when you age. If you are fortunate enough to have your health, no medical issues (dementia, etc.), that would be great for you. You will also be old someday--remember, age doesn't discriminate! Dementia and Alzheimer's, and a host of other horrible diseases are traumatic for the families and their loved ones. They are not a "bunch of other old crazy people"!! So sorry for you that you feel this way.

Calicaregiver: what if the "home" he wants to go to is his childhood home? Alzheimers patients typically lose memory in the opposite order that it was formed.

This is so true. A person with dementia may want to go home, but when they arrive, they are confused and still say they want to go home. Their description of this home may or may not be what you think it is.

Even if you found the old homeplace that they have in their mind from childhood, once they arrived, it might upset them, since the building may be in ashes and neglected.

Your home may not be what they expect either. That might be upsetting to them. And of course, that might not be the place they recall after all. So, you then return them to the Memory Care and they are disoriented and confused. So, I'd be aware of what potentially could happen if the person with the dementia is allowed to make their own decisions. I discovered this with my loved one by taking her out of her Memory Care for visits.

Centralmassach1 - I don't worry about what will happen to me because my mortality is fast approaching. I can say from experience that from a patients point of view....being exposed to other people with dementia just drives home the fact that the person has dementia themself. I believe that many of the elderly with dementia are very aware that others see them as old, and crazy. Surrounding them with more people in the same condition is painfully awakening for them. Wanting to go "home" may also be your loved ones way of saying that he wants to be with his family, and not strangers that he knows are also being surrounded by him because their families and doctors think they also belong with other old people that have dementia. There are many levels and extremes of dementia. If given a choice to remain at home, and with family during this devastating time, I believe virtually all of the elderly would prefer to remain in their home, and close to family. They have such little dignity left. Remaining in the home is really the last thing they have after the effects of dementia ravage their already frail existence.its not my cross to bear, and I do t walk in your shoes. I'm just giving my input like everyone else in this forum. Just because I write it doesn't mean you have to accept it. Everybody has their own .2 cents and are always willing to put it in.

Well, if only ALL of us had big, jolly, loving families to keep our dear demented parents in!....It has been my experience when they get dementia they don't know their home from their offspring's home from the parking lot of the zoo. My own mother didn't know she was living in her own house and when she went to a nursing home, she loved it there. (Sitting alone in her house in a dirty diaper, with no big jolly family to look after her, just wasn't working out.) But reading here, I suppose she (and I) was one of the lucky ones, in a way. I have seen enough poor souls at that nursing home who put up a sad fight every day, never adjusting - but there is no alternative.

Lassie: Thank you for your post. My mom was in a nursing facility because she could no longer live with us (too many stairs), and could not live alone. She was in a wheelchair (thought she could walk, dress herself, etc.). She could in her mind and in her mind, her home was where she grew up. I visited her wherever she was in the moment. It was so difficult to see her wasting away, then having a massive stroke and being paralyzed on her whole right side. I would have loved to keep her either in her own home or ours, but it was not possible given her physical and mind-set at the time. She didn't have an alternative, but she had fantastic care, and the love and support of her family. You and your mom were lucky and blessed to have what you had, and I was blessed to know that my mom was so well cared for and loved. Thank you for sharing.