I'm having trouble coping with the day to day problems of caregiving. Any advice?

Glad things worked out!

GGsGirl, it had a semi-good outcome. She went later to get a metal financial box and said she thought they were all in there. I knew the box was back there, but really wanted her to do it to give her some purpose for the day. I am going to sort through and list things, though. We need to know what assets she has if it comes time for a nursing home. I was uncomfortable not having an idea of assets available to her. Her POA/executor son lives halfway across the country, so he would have a time trying to piece it together.

Ah, the trials, JessieBelle. My mother has good intentions and is capable of helping, but. She will offer to do the dishes, but go watch TV. When she comes in hours later and finds I've done them (my preference anyway Lol) she gets mad. Not sure if it's that she forgot, or that I didn't remind her. Planned helplessness? I have her help me put groceries/clean dishes away or prep food, but gets mad if there is truly nothing for her to do and plays the guilt card by saying I don't want her help! (Translated: you don't need me). It is harder trying to make work, explain how to do it, and supervise sometimes. I want to just do it and not have to talk her through it. I think your mother was expecting you to go find that record book. I agree. If it isn't essential for you, let your brother sort it out. It is hard but we need to protect ourselves and our sanity.

This afternoon, Mom was watching TV. I brought the mail. There was a statement for one of her CDs. I told her that she ought to find the records for all of her CDs and we could put them in the black book. She said that I would have to find them because her memory was too bad. I told her that she didn't have to have memory to look for the records. She said she couldn't do it. I asked, "Why? Are you too busy?"

I'll leave it the my executor brother to sort through and hope the bank has all of them under her SSN (instead of father's) when she dies.

She wouldn't see her psych nurse anymore. She didn't like or trust him. I don't really blame her. He would spend her time talking to me. I kept having to motion him back to her so she could answer when possible. This bothered her a lot and it did me, too. I thought it very unprofessional and wished I could have left the room.

Today I haven't been much of a daughter. I thought back over the last few years. She hasn't done any real work at the house in 6 years now. Even back into the early 00s she didn't do any work in the house. I was only around once or twice a year, but each year the house became more of a horded clutter. Three rooms were impassible. Today I was watching her sitting, watching TV, thinking about all the years she has been "dying" and too sick to work. I realized that all of her life had been spent pretty much doing nothing while others straightened up around her if they were there. It made me feel so used. I've been trying to lift myself over the feeling by saying that I need to continue to do the things around the house for my own comfort and to not dwell on her use/abuse of a daughter. She started calling me to come home in the late 1990s because they probably wouldn't live another year. Thank goodness I didn't! Here we are nearly 20 years later and she is still healthy enough.

It is a troubling thought that a parent may be using a child as free slave labor. It's a black thought that has come out more and more as time wears on. I guess if it is true I'll just have to let the Lord deal with it when time comes and keep doing things that I need to do to keep life together here.

jfry has a really good point - SSRIs typically make bipolar illness worse and sometimes schizophrenia or schizoaffective as well. Getting her pscyh docs to reconsider diagnosis and try an approach tailored to that might make perfect sense.

JessieBelle, I don't know your mom's mental health history, but let me throw something out here. You mentioned trying antidepressant medications but that they make her hypomanic and obsessive. Have they tried a mood stabilizer medication, rather than an anti-depressant? They're typically used with someone who has manic-depressive disorder/bi-polar disorder which can involve depression and mania. People prone to mania often have the hypomanic/obsessive responses you've observed in your mother when placed on an anti-depressant. (Please forgive me if you've already tried this. I haven't read all the responses.)

Nah we whine too much to be really good! Well I do and trust me when I was younger I was soooooooooooooooooo so bad

JessieBelle, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't add a lot to what everyone else has said, but I was wondering if you had tried your Mom on Abilify? It is a mood stablilizer that has the side effect of helping with depression as well. Not only that but it usually increases appetite. My Mom is now on it. It has helped a great deal. It does, however, cause her to have a jaw tremor, but it is a trade-off--either severe anxiety and depression or the jaw tremor. We prefer the jaw tremor. If you haven't already tried this, you may want to ask your doctor about it.

Take care of yourself. I know it seems impossible, but very necessary. Good luck and God Bless!

Oh, Jude, that is perfect. Only the good die young.

... but wait. Does that mean that us good ones are going to die soon? (sniff)

Jessie I didn't know my Mum had emigrated to be with you....she is exactly the same and I damned near used to tear my hair out. You have the solution - if you don't like what she is doing leave the room and go back to yours. You don't have to tolerate rude behaviour but you also aren't going to stop it either and thats the darned frustrating bit so you're doing the right thing - walk away don't take it personally however personal it feels and then go back later when you have calmed down pick the bowl up and just dispose of leftovers - say nothing. If you start to say anything you will only be wrong so it is really best to stay schtum and seethe inside for a while - I think thats why I put weight on when she is around I go into the kitchen and raid whatever looks good - like chocolate or cookies or ice cream!!!!!!!!

She will eat when she wants food and then she will ask and btw she won't be at death's door yet! Only the good die young!

I hear ya! I'm just plum tired of the emotional roller coaster...

I understand. My mother often believes that I or her caregiver are poisoning her and she refuses her meds and sometimes food. Tonight is just such a time. My heart goes out to all caregivers who have a loved one suffering from dementia.

JessieBelle: You picked the right site! This will offer you support that you need.

Had to smile through your message, GGsGirl. You may have learned the same lesson I did: "When Mom's in the kitchen, everybody else better scatter." My mother hates for anyone else to be in the kitchen with her. I think putting food together takes all her concentration... and maybe she doesn't want me to notice that she is just rinsing the dishes. That is what they look like most of the time.

JessieBelle, LOL about the dishes! My mother, too! Sometimes I pre-wash pots & pans so she doesn't have to scrub, otherwise I have to be sneaky and check them afterwards for a re-do. Nothing like getting a pot out of the cabinet that has slimey food still coating it. Blech!

Ree, as to how to know what they can & can't do: trial and error. Some days my mother gets her shoes & socks on just fine by herself; others I have to do it all. Depends on how.she is feeling. When she first moved in with me a couple years ago I tried to do more than I should have which caused a lot of friction and comments about 'doing it YOUR WAY'. My son chastised me one day he was here for dinner and I realized she was doing the few dishes that didn't go in the dishwasher, while the rest of the family was visiting. I grumbled 1. because she was missing out with the family, and more important to me 2. I knew I'd have to re-wash most of them later, and he said to let her feel useful. Big lesson there. I can get her weekly pill box done in half the time it takes her, but it is something she can still do (even though I supervise). She is still in control and has an idea of what meds she is taking. She cooks her breakfast but I have to leave the room or occupy myself somehow, as her shuffling back and forth, forgeting one thing or another, drives me nuts - and it takes her forever! Her oatmeal is cold by the time she gets the toast. I used to try to help, but realized it was not a good thing. She was losing her self-confidence. Tricky, but we all figure it out as we go. Only to have it change the next day! Keeps us on our toes...

Thanks! I'm getting worn out trying to keep her engaged with life. She's 86 and just can't move like she once could. All keep saying "use it or lose it" so true.

Ree, when my mother was at the point that she could still do many things, I would not do them for her. I would tell her that she needed to do it or she might lose the ability. She needed to be up and about as much as possible. Use it or lose it.

Over time she has lost the ability to do many things. She is getting older and not as healthy. So I take over things that I know are too hard for her now. She is still cooking her own breakfast and doing some of her laundry. She also washes dishes after dinner. I wouldn't want to serve guests from those dishes because they aren't so clean, but I don't say anything.

How do you handle the choice of not doing it all for them or standing back to see how much they can still do on their own?

No, you're most definitely not alone. If you visit my mom early in the day she doesn't seem to be doing too bad at all. Visit later in the day, though (especially after PT or when she's been forced to leave that @#$%& bed) and she's on her last legs, whimpering pitiful "goodbyes" and etc. I'm not blaming her or anything, but yeah, it's a real trial sometimes.

JessieBelle - hope you enjoyed your ice cream and your days ahead are less stressful. I find so many of your posts helpful. I'm relatively new to this journey and yet relate to so many of you here. My mother complains about the amount of food on her plate, yet manages to eat it (so far)! And then when we go to the doctor is amazed that her weight is the same. She never cultivated a lot of close friends (and many she did are gone now) but loves to talk to strangers. Yet, when I offered to put chairs on my front porch where there is more activity than my back deck, she says no, she doesn't want people to see her! I try to get her to call friends or her cousin, but she says she has nothing to say. Yet when they call she is Chatty Kathy. My mobility is not good right now - waiting for knee replacements - so I feel bad about not getting her out as often as I should. But when she resists my efforts to do something about it, I have learned to detatch. She is an adult who can make her own decisions (kinda sorta). She complains all winter about not having baseball to watch, but now that it is the season, she will not check the schedules and miss games unless I remind her. And sometimes that gets rebuffed. I think the comments about control are right on - they have lost so much of their independence that these little thngs, and us (Lol), are the only things they can control. My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with tougher situations and pricklier parents. Thank you all for your support here!

Marialake, hugging a porcupine is such a good way of putting how it feels at times. Isn't it strange how we can end up blaming ourselves for someone else's behavior that isn't our fault. Caregivers do that a lot. I know I am terribly guilty of thinking that if I'll only be nicer and more caring, then it will be different. Sometimes it does work, but most of the time it doesn't.

OzarkOlly, I am usually very accommodating about most things. I really don't mind if she doesn't want to eat or if she prefers to watch TV. I feel like it is her decision about what makes her comfortable. The thing that bothers me is the lack of respect. I know her mind does not work right, but it does get tiresome to be attacked so often. The worst is when she comes up with tasks that don't make sense or factitious illnesses, then goes on the attack because I'm not doing something about it. She starts doing this anytime I sit still for more than a few minutes. She'll come up with a project that makes no sense, then get mad if I say no, I'm not going to do that. The anger starts about me not caring what happens to her or the house. I've learned to say nothing at all or to try to change the subject. She won't let up. Sometimes I think her real goal is to see how many porcupine pins she can stick in me before I'll get up and leave. I really do think she would prefer to live alone, but can't.

Talking of ice cream -- Blue Bell is making its way back to the market. I hope it will be soon. I love Blue Bell and sure have missed it.

Jessie, I can see a bit of my mother in yours. I OFTEN here the line about too much food & it pains me to see anyone wasting food. Not only are there people out there that would kill for what she wants to waste but, in an economy that's tough, I see dollar bills being tossed in the can! Also, mom's eating habits, or maybe more rightly, LACK of eating habits, has taken her from her 120lb norm to 93lbs.

I also have been getting the show boating when mom's in public. Life was never so grand, she's so fortunate being her age & feeling so wonderful & so very lucky to have such a wonderful daughter caring for her! (Ok, so I won't argue with that last part. LOL) At home, her neck hurts, her foot hurts, she's not hungry, I'm terribly mean & her life sucks...she just wants to "go back home" to the town where my brother lives because "I had such fun there, going out with my friends, doing things, visiting with all the neighbors..." Thing is, she's mourning a life that hasn't existed for at least a decade. She hasn't driven for many years so was stuck in the house, staring at 4 walls for 4 days a week wgile I worked. She used to bowl with 3 other senior ladies but when the only bowling alley in our farm community shut down she refused to ride along with the other ladies to an alley 30 miles away. And the neighbors she claimed she visited with all the time....we sat in the midst of 150 acres & they sat on 85 acres....we never saw them!! Thank God I have this farm to run & find solace in doing so or I think I would have lost every shred of sanity I ever had. And, of course, an occasional half-pint of Ben & Jerry's doesnt hurt, either...especially in this Missouri heat!

I love the statement about growing horns. I never thought of myself as a mean person but my MIL's verbal abuse and sour, foul mouth............well it makes me angry. Honestly, I am civil to her. That's it. I do feel bad that I am not more loving and sweet and kind - but it gets me nowhere. It's really hard to hug a porcupine! So..........caregiving has affected me in another way. It shows that I am not as nice as I thought! As the Bible says, it's easy to be kind to someone who is nice to you. What about your enemy? Honestly, I keep trying as it is the right thing to do. But those porcupine quills hurt!!!!

vstefans, I thought about suggesting Buspar. Ativan does work well with her. Xanax might even be better, since it has antidepressant effects, but doctors don't like to prescribe Xanax anymore. So many people have abused it. I guess it made them feel too much better. Shame the baby got thrown out with the bathwater. I took Xanax when I had panic disorder and it was a drug that worked for me. (Never had any trouble with addiction on it.)

I can't enjoy PJ days. I have to get up and dressed or I feel terrible. I do give myself some goof off mornings, however. I'm afraid that some of the depression has already broken through to me, but I keep fighting it back with sunshine and people. People are the best antidepressants for me.

One thing I will be glad for is if this muggy heat wave passes. Birmingham has such high humidity that it's hard to be outside long when it's above 90. I would love to be able to get outside more. Long walks always help. Going to the gym just isn't the same.

Sendme - your dietary advice is FATTENING!! Medicating chronic stress and anxiety with food has severe long term side effects. I recommend crosswords and puzzles instead. OK, maybe some Skinny Cow or Gayle's Miracle chocolates and really, really good coffee to go with it.

But more seriously, JessieBelle, since the SSRI approach does not agree with her ask the doc about Buspar (buspirone) or even low dose benzodiazepine (Ativan is one, Tranxene, Valium, Xanax are others) to be used chronically. Or maybe if her heart could handle it, one of the old fashioned antidepressants that can be taken in low dose at bedtime. Anxiety and depression are both contagious and I'm worried the holes in your modified helmet might let some in. Give her some PJ days but not every day. Maybe you need a couple of PJ days too.

Here is my best offer for today, JesseBelle: The next time Mom demands to see the doctor about a temporary spike in her B/P, tell her the doctor gave you explicit instructions not to call for that unless she passes out.
Then, to take her worry away, re-take her B/P in 5-10 minutes, be sure to tell her she must have taken it wrong.
What kind of ice cream? Chocolate chip chocolate by Haagen-Daz, the best!

Oy. Went out the door with her telling me that I just don't care at all what happens to the house because I didn't want to call the city today about clearing the bank. Came home to her saying I need to call the foundation people about fixing the floors. All is well, but life is a project. Someone just shoot me. Where's my helmet? Ouch, I chipped my horn.

GA, no need to apologize. We do have the need to want to make things better. I think that's what keeps us trying. After almost 6 years, though, we figure out that this is as good as it gets. Sad thing was that it took me so long to figure it out. Must have had my helmet on too tight. :-D

Out the door to enjoy myself on this warm southern day.

Jessie, my apologies. It wasn't my intent to add to your burdens.

I think the second paragraph of your last message sums up the situation in which many of us find ourselves. There's only so much that can be done, things will never be perfect, and we need to find some level at which we accept that we've done all we can.

Enjoy your respite time!