This is hard to explain, because my mother had "a good death" as deaths go. Peaceful, not in pain, at home, with us nearby. But as caregiver, I was with her through so much that she went through over the years, as she declined, that I feel traumatized so much that I can't make myself go to ANY medical setting for myself. Even checkups I should have. I feel so -- not scared of death -- but scared of that situation of being in the medical setting where things get done TO you, and they talk you into one test, and then another...and it all seems so reasonable at the time. And the expense! And you often agree to tests without realize how invasive they are. I thought it might help me to write a healthcare directive, but I truly felt like writing "I'd rather die in the wilderness and be eaten by wolves, than undergo surgery or be cared for by hospice" but I realize that's not really wise -- after all, many people have surgery and do just fine. Not that I need surgery. But I keep delaying checkups, and can't MAKE myself schedule them. If I do, I get so anxious I cancel them. Any suggestions would be helpful.