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This is hard to explain, because my mother had "a good death" as deaths go. Peaceful, not in pain, at home, with us nearby. But as caregiver, I was with her through so much that she went through over the years, as she declined, that I feel traumatized so much that I can't make myself go to ANY medical setting for myself. Even checkups I should have. I feel so -- not scared of death -- but scared of that situation of being in the medical setting where things get done TO you, and they talk you into one test, and then another...and it all seems so reasonable at the time. And the expense! And you often agree to tests without realize how invasive they are. I thought it might help me to write a healthcare directive, but I truly felt like writing "I'd rather die in the wilderness and be eaten by wolves, than undergo surgery or be cared for by hospice" but I realize that's not really wise -- after all, many people have surgery and do just fine. Not that I need surgery. But I keep delaying checkups, and can't MAKE myself schedule them. If I do, I get so anxious I cancel them. Any suggestions would be helpful.

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On the differences betwen doctors:

I have a frien and colleague who is a Type 2 diabetic and very overweight. His pcp told him " I'll have to cut off your feet if you don't eat better".

My friend's response was to shut down and not want to go to the doctor any longef ( ya think?). Eventually, i talked him into seeing my pcp.

The doctor treated him like a human being, established rapport and made him comfortable. The doctor took care of the housekeeping and renewed his scripts. The doctor talked to him about his diabetes and said, " I see you're starting to glaze over. You can solve a lot of this by losing weight. But come back when you've digested what we've talked about".

This is a physician in Brooklyn, who takes insurance, Medicare and Medicaid. If he can do it, so can other docs.
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It sounds as though this has reached the level where it might endanger your health, so clearly you need to take some action.

I'd start with mindfulness meditation practise, to see if that gives you the tools to reduce your anxiety so that you can at least schedule an appointment to have your general health checked out. Talk to your gp or internist about your anxiety. Practise saying " i need to think about that" when a doctor proposes tests. " what results might come from a test like that?", " what does that test look for?". " what is the downside of not doing that test now?" are all good questions to pose.

You might want to see a therapist to learn other calmimg techniques, or how to challenge your irrational thinking. You might consider antianxiety meds.

But please take SOME action. You are a valuable and compassionate human being who deserves to take care of yourself. Your mom died on her own terms, peacefully, because it was her time, NOT because you didn't care for her adequately.

Now it's time to take care of YOU.
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Yeah, doctors are evil. Just in it for the money. Not like bankers, bus drivers, school teachers, miners, farmers, retailers and every one else who only go to work for the sheer joy and job satisfaction.
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Arrgh. Don't let fear become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Preventive maintenance is the best way to reduce your changes of needing surgery or intensive care. If nothing else go to Walgreen's and check your BP and get a flu shot. I put off dental care for years since I am such a crappy dental patient with reflux damage and a hyperactive gag reflex, and had some genuinely awful experiences, and now I will need a bunch of stuff done. But I picked a place that said they catered to people like me and it has been pretty reasonable. Not great, but within my tolerance at least.

Now one other thought. When you have a specific phobia like this, and an event you can trace it to, it points to there being things you never got to debrief about or talk about with someone, either professional or peer (as in grief support group) and some kind of counseling or psychological help/support might be indicated to help you with this. Even a PTSD diagnosis might not be out of the question for you - I know the usual thought is that everyone loses their parents and that's the way of things, rather than the other way around, so it should not be such a hard thing to deal with, but darnit, sometimes it just IS.
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Singingway,
I noticed that your profile said your mother had Parkinson's. I can imagine that there were a lot of doctor visits. So, your apprehension is understandable. At least you acknowledge the problem. That's a start.

Do you know anyone who has a good Primary Caregiver? If so, I'd try to get them to go with you to consult with their doctor. Sometimes, finding the right health care professional is the key. I'm lucky in that my Primary and my Endocrinologist are very PRO patient. They are thinking of me and what would work for me. When any tests, meds, therapy, etc. come up, they are aware of insurance and we discuss it. This makes for a pleasant visit. They are on MY SIDE and it shows.

It's nice to see them and get good answers, good news, positive reinforcement. I used to be hesitant to see my Endo if my blood sugars were not running well, but, I learned that she was there to HELP me. Not judge me.

My dad, mom and I all have the same Primary care doctor. He's super nice, sharp and personable. It's nice to have someone like that making sure that I am aware of options and the latest in medical care. I am in charge and he makes it very easy to ask any question on my mind. And if you still feel anxious, I'd ask about meds for anxiety.
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Zethrr, if doctors were "in it for the money", they wouldn't be treating Medicare patients.

And you're wrong about doctors contacting patients outside the office. I've been contacted by some, for me and some for my father.

Maybe doctors don't contact you because you have such a negative attitude toward them.
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Singing, been there, done that. My problem was I was just so tired to taking my parents, both of them, to constant doctor appointments that if I saw one more waiting room I was going to scream.

And anytime I had set up an appointment for myself, Murphy's Law would come into play, my parents had some time of urgent issue and I would need to cancel my appointments. So I just stopped making appointments for myself.

My parents recently passed, but any time I picked up the phone to call for an appointment I wouldn't finish dialing. I wasn't scared, I was just still very exhausted. I know I need these x-rays, etc. but I keep making excuses. Maybe I just needed a break from it all.
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My SIL never saw MD's for years. She landed in the ER with double vision and they wanted to keep her. She left and went home and promised to call her doctor. ROFL she DOESN'T HAVE a doctor. She is 62.
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Singing, at least you recognize that you need to overcome this phobia, for your own sake.

Would it help if you took a close friend with you to each visit? That person could help you remember to ask for time to make any decisions about testing (other than routine blood and urine work) and then nag you until you do follow up! Your friend could also jot down notes to help you remember what the doctor says.

Maybe it would help you to feel less vulnerable if you had support with you.

Whatever it takes, do it. You deserve to take good care of yourself.
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Singing, try asking to be a nurse practitioner. I've found they're much more approachable and generally spend much more time with a patient than a doctor.
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