My childhood trauma caused by both of my parents, runs so deep. Neither of them protected us from verbal, mental,and physical abuse. We (all 7 of us children) suffering from our own individual trauma and abandonment by our mother. I've tried to work on healing and every single time, my mother inflicts more emotional abuse. My mother just turned 80 and is still unwilling to acknowledge and accept the trauma she's caused. Recently she's had serious medical issues and she's needing assistance living in her home; she's trying to guilt me (my other siblings refuse her). I've prayed and have assisted her numerous times only to be subjected to her emotional abuse and financial manipulation. I want nothing to do with her, the trauma is far to deep and my wounds are still, in my mid 50's , still very raw.
You are waiting for something that is very unlikely to happen.
You have no duty of care to your abuser.
Remember, you are now an adult; now your choices are your own. If you do not wish to take part in your mother's care--indeed if you do not wish to see her at all--you should not have to. But if you CHOOSE to stay in her purview stop expecting change that won't happen.
I truly appreciate your response. Trust me when I say I've spoken those exact words to her and put it in writing. My healing journey is far from over and I've taken the personal steps to speak with my own personal grief counselor.
And yes that includes you. Your siblings are smart enough to realize this and now it's time for you to realize it.
You owe your mother nothing!!!! So please for the love of God stop trying to care for a woman who didn't care for you.
And I pray that you have a good therapist who is helping you heal from your trauma.
I was abused by both parents and chose not to have anything to do with them after I forgave them as an adult, as it was much healthier for me and my mental health to stay away and have nothing to do with them. They are both dead now and I have NO regrets, but peace in my choices.
Your parents have made their beds and now they get to lie in it.
I hope you will learn to stay true to yourself and protect yourself from the evil that you call mother.
What goes around comes around. This is your mothers "come around". She had 7 kids and because of her abuse, none of them want to care for her. Thats all on her. As said, an abused child should never care for their abuser. Do not get anymore involved with Mom than calling APS and making them aware that because of abuse at her hands, neither you or your siblings will care for her. Get a call from a hospital, tell them to lose your number. They need to call APS because you will have nothing to do with this woman. Than block them. Don't answer the phone if ID says its a County agency. When they can't contact family members, then the State needs to step in. There is no law where you have to take care of a parent.
Please come back and update us on how this all gets handled.
I have a mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"
Thank You for Sharing It.
Children do not OWE their parents caregiving. Even in a family structure that was ideal for the children in question, they still do not OWE their parents caregiving.
Now, some of us undertake caretaking out of love, respect and thankfulness - that is why I chose to care for my mom. Even under those circumstances, it was rough going, and my mom was super easy (as compared to many other stories I see here) to care for, relatively speaking.
Caregiving of a parent who made your childhood a complete misery?
Don't do it. Don't agree to it. Don't make excuses as to WHY you are refusing. Don't even engage in any conversation about taking on this burden, regardless of who it might be with. A simple "no" will suffice. "No." is a complete sentence.
Do NOT allow ANYONE to guilt you into caregiving. "No." is a complete sentence. Believe me when I say there will be plenty of people, from family members to medical personnel to practically complete strangers who will try to convince you this is your duty as a child. "No." is a complete sentence.
Not only do you NOT owe your mom caregiving, but you also don't owe ANYONE a reason as to why.
Learn what your siblings seem to have already mastered. "No." is a complete sentence.
If you feel some obligation to help your mother, you can but it must be on your terms. Not hers.
There will be no living together for ANY reason no matter how great her needs are. There will be no hands-on care done by you, and you will not provide hour after miserable hour of companionship to her.
You can help set her up with homecare (that she pays for). You can oversee this care and make sure it's decent. You can help with other things like banking, grocery shopping, or SOME doctor's appointments if you can. Make it clear that if there is any complaining, lashing out, emotional abuse, or any other form of abuse, you will abandon her she will be left to totally fend for herself. You DO NOT pay for anything for her. If she can't afford something, she's living without it. If she cannot afford homecare, she's getting placed in a facility. Make these terms very clear to her and give it a shot.
Or don't. You don't have to do anything for her and that's fine too. Just please don't guilt trip yourself over the needs of a person who caused you such hurt and trauma. They're not worth the suffering you will endure.
I 💯 agree that i have to put self first...I matter.
She chose to never receive help for her various mental illnesses throughout my life, and my sister and I struggled. We maintained communication (heck -- even tried having a "normal" relationship with her) but kept her at arm's length while we tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to heal throughout our adult lives.
Fast forward, 6 years ago her husband passed away; 3 years ago she updated all of her legal paperwork and mailed her will, POA, and legal guardianship papers to us. Without asking me if I would be willing to serve as POA and legal guardian, she named me anyway. I've felt truly trapped by this legal bondage ever since.
Fast forward again, almost 2 years ago she had an extreme episode (it was ugly; I'll spare you the details) and ended up in the geriatric psych hospital. After a 12-day stay she was declared mentally incapacitated, requiring 24x7 care for the rest of her days. Because I was legally obligated to do so (and I also had to look at myself in the mirror), I had to become involved in her life in a major way. It was a huge transition -- life changes on a dime, right? We found the nicest memory care center she could afford (seriously -- it's like a 5-star hotel) and there she is, still there today.
For the first many months she was there, I still tried to be her "daughter." It really messed with my head because all the pain and craziness of the last 5 decades just came bubbling back. My health declined from all the stress, and I was growing more and more bitter and resentful by the day.
At the beginning of this year I said NO MORE and I took my life back! She can't have me anymore! I've made the transition from Daughter to just Legal Guardian and it has been incredibly liberating. Now? She is just a business transaction to me. I stay in touch with the MC staff, send her everything she needs (clothes, Depends, etc.), monitor the various medical and prescription bills, chat with her physical therapist from time to time, etc. That's it. Even with her dementia, her manipulation and gaslighting skills are still strong, so I've run the opposite direction. She did this, not me.
And I'm going to go have a good life. You can too, Breakingthecycl. I'm in my mid-50s as well and believe it's never too late to heal and get a fresh start. Surround yourself with goodness and know that YOU are worth it. You've got this!!
I appreciate you...it's not easy and the guilt and anger are real. My prayers are to leave her in God's Capable Hands.