Am I alone? My childhood trauma caused by my parents runs deep; I'm truly struggling to assist with care for my Mother.

Any child that was abused in any way by a parent should NEVER, as in NEVER take on any care of said parent.
And yes that includes you. Your siblings are smart enough to realize this and now it's time for you to realize it.
You owe your mother nothing!!!! So please for the love of God stop trying to care for a woman who didn't care for you.
And I pray that you have a good therapist who is helping you heal from your trauma.

I was abused by both parents and chose not to have anything to do with them after I forgave them as an adult, as it was much healthier for me and my mental health to stay away and have nothing to do with them. They are both dead now and I have NO regrets, but peace in my choices.
Your parents have made their beds and now they get to lie in it.
I hope you will learn to stay true to yourself and protect yourself from the evil that you call mother.

I have to agree with funkygrandma59 in that you SHOULD NOT be providing her care. As a traumatized person that has not healed from the abuse you can’t be objective about her care or needs without constantly questioning your decisions, motives, feeling tremendous guilt, anger, etc. which makes you feel awful and doesn’t help her get her needs met. Time to find placement, perhaps a guardian, and other supports and take yourself out of that mix. It’s not easy but I wish you the best on this journey.

It seems to me that your siblings are doing what you should consider. Why do you feel responsible to someone who has caused pain to so many of her family. Someone with no emotional attachment might be a better solution. You owe it to yourself to be kind to yourself. If prayer alone doesn't help, perhaps a professional grief counselor or therapist will help you.

I made the mistake of bringing my (formerly) abusive mom into my house three years ago. It's been a nightmare, being under the same roof as her 24/7 again. I agree with the others who are suggesting you take a step back.

Your mother is not capable of changing.
You are waiting for something that is very unlikely to happen.
You have no duty of care to your abuser.
Remember, you are now an adult; now your choices are your own. If you do not wish to take part in your mother's care--indeed if you do not wish to see her at all--you should not have to. But if you CHOOSE to stay in her purview stop expecting change that won't happen.

Please don’t involve yourself with your mom! She doesn’t deserve you (or anyone else she’s abused). I wish you luck in putting your mom in your rear view mirror. There is life after abuse, I promise.

Walk away. You owe her nothing

If she needs assistance to live in her home and can't afford that assistance, then she needs to be placed. You can call Adult Protection Services (APS) and ask them to evaluate her situation. They can get her the resources she needs. If they feel she is 24/7 care, the State can become her guardian and get her placed. If APS feels she can live alone, then your off the hook.

What goes around comes around. This is your mothers "come around". She had 7 kids and because of her abuse, none of them want to care for her. Thats all on her. As said, an abused child should never care for their abuser. Do not get anymore involved with Mom than calling APS and making them aware that because of abuse at her hands, neither you or your siblings will care for her. Get a call from a hospital, tell them to lose your number. They need to call APS because you will have nothing to do with this woman. Than block them. Don't answer the phone if ID says its a County agency. When they can't contact family members, then the State needs to step in. There is no law where you have to take care of a parent.

Please come back and update us on how this all gets handled.

I have a mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"

Parents OWE their children caregiving. That's what you take on when you decide to bring another life into this world.

Children do not OWE their parents caregiving. Even in a family structure that was ideal for the children in question, they still do not OWE their parents caregiving.

Now, some of us undertake caretaking out of love, respect and thankfulness - that is why I chose to care for my mom. Even under those circumstances, it was rough going, and my mom was super easy (as compared to many other stories I see here) to care for, relatively speaking.

Caregiving of a parent who made your childhood a complete misery?

Don't do it. Don't agree to it. Don't make excuses as to WHY you are refusing. Don't even engage in any conversation about taking on this burden, regardless of who it might be with. A simple "no" will suffice. "No." is a complete sentence.

Do NOT allow ANYONE to guilt you into caregiving. "No." is a complete sentence. Believe me when I say there will be plenty of people, from family members to medical personnel to practically complete strangers who will try to convince you this is your duty as a child. "No." is a complete sentence.

Not only do you NOT owe your mom caregiving, but you also don't owe ANYONE a reason as to why.

Learn what your siblings seem to have already mastered. "No." is a complete sentence.

I posted this yesterday in another thread. Here is my mantra for dealing with difficult people.

They won't change.

I can.

Talk to your therapist. Get some direction on how to approach your siblings, so that you will understand, benefit from their points of view as to what happened. It might provide you with profound insight for yourself and what you all went through as children. As well as a very strategic way to deal with your mother's abuse. Lots of solid advice here. Keep us updated on how you're doing.

Don't take on caregiving responsibility for your mother. No one should take on the care of a parent if there's any abusive history with them. It is always a disaster.

If you feel some obligation to help your mother, you can but it must be on your terms. Not hers.

There will be no living together for ANY reason no matter how great her needs are. There will be no hands-on care done by you, and you will not provide hour after miserable hour of companionship to her.

You can help set her up with homecare (that she pays for). You can oversee this care and make sure it's decent. You can help with other things like banking, grocery shopping, or SOME doctor's appointments if you can. Make it clear that if there is any complaining, lashing out, emotional abuse, or any other form of abuse, you will abandon her she will be left to totally fend for herself. You DO NOT pay for anything for her. If she can't afford something, she's living without it. If she cannot afford homecare, she's getting placed in a facility. Make these terms very clear to her and give it a shot.

Or don't. You don't have to do anything for her and that's fine too. Just please don't guilt trip yourself over the needs of a person who caused you such hurt and trauma. They're not worth the suffering you will endure.

I am of the belief that no person that has been abused should be a caregiver for their abuser or for someone that did nothing to stop the abuse.
So you have my permission to step away from this.
If you do decide to help her and she begins abuse again in any form LEAVE.
If you are on the phone with her and she starts..HANG UP.
If you decide to help her you do so on YOUR terms. As soon as she breaks those terms STOP.
YOU are the one that establishes boundaries. You can make them as strict as you feel comfortable.
If having NO contact is what you prefer I do not think any one would find fault. (If they do ignore them as they may have no idea as to your circumstances)

To "help" someone does not mean that you personally have to provide the help.
You can help by finding others that are in a less vulnerable position that can provide the help that your mom needs.

To answer your question, you are not alone. My story is very similar to yours, and I echo the sound advice given by others on this thread. It's been a true journey to separate myself from my narcissistic, abusive mother; I'm not quite there yet, but I'm on my way.
She chose to never receive help for her various mental illnesses throughout my life, and my sister and I struggled. We maintained communication (heck -- even tried having a "normal" relationship with her) but kept her at arm's length while we tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to heal throughout our adult lives.
Fast forward, 6 years ago her husband passed away; 3 years ago she updated all of her legal paperwork and mailed her will, POA, and legal guardianship papers to us. Without asking me if I would be willing to serve as POA and legal guardian, she named me anyway. I've felt truly trapped by this legal bondage ever since.
Fast forward again, almost 2 years ago she had an extreme episode (it was ugly; I'll spare you the details) and ended up in the geriatric psych hospital. After a 12-day stay she was declared mentally incapacitated, requiring 24x7 care for the rest of her days. Because I was legally obligated to do so (and I also had to look at myself in the mirror), I had to become involved in her life in a major way. It was a huge transition -- life changes on a dime, right? We found the nicest memory care center she could afford (seriously -- it's like a 5-star hotel) and there she is, still there today.
For the first many months she was there, I still tried to be her "daughter." It really messed with my head because all the pain and craziness of the last 5 decades just came bubbling back. My health declined from all the stress, and I was growing more and more bitter and resentful by the day.
At the beginning of this year I said NO MORE and I took my life back! She can't have me anymore! I've made the transition from Daughter to just Legal Guardian and it has been incredibly liberating. Now? She is just a business transaction to me. I stay in touch with the MC staff, send her everything she needs (clothes, Depends, etc.), monitor the various medical and prescription bills, chat with her physical therapist from time to time, etc. That's it. Even with her dementia, her manipulation and gaslighting skills are still strong, so I've run the opposite direction. She did this, not me.
And I'm going to go have a good life. You can too, Breakingthecycl. I'm in my mid-50s as well and believe it's never too late to heal and get a fresh start. Surround yourself with goodness and know that YOU are worth it. You've got this!!

Get a therapist that is familiar with childhood neglect and abuse. Watch Surviving Narcissism on Youtube. Read up on surviving childhood abuse. I cut my mom off for years. Now that she is in assisted living (85) I visit her twice a week for only an hour. She will never admit to what she did. She is still verbally abusive and has alienated almost everyone else in her life. If it is affecting your mental health, ask the state to take over guardianship and go no contact.

My heart goes out to you. I think of two ideas: self-care and boundaries. If you can find a good trauma therapist to help you work through these things please do. You won't change your mother but knowing how to care for yourself makes a huge difference. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself first in a good and healthy way. You can do it!

Simple. Divorce her, move on and don't look back, sounds like your siblings already have. I was in my 50's when I discovered I could do this and finally be free of her horrible abuse. I saw her about 20 years later as she was dying and I can't say I was sad about that. When she finally died everyone was relieved.

Leave her with a social services phone number and be on your way.

You have been given great advice. No one should endure a lifetime of abuse. You are more important. I recommend finding a care center to place your mother in. Be the guardian, not the caregiver. There are numerous ways to support your mother without being physically present.
My mother would never accept her emotional abuse, but to understand why she was the way she was, I found it very helpful. Although, I wouldn't allow her to speak to me in an abusive manner as an adult/caregiver. Strength is one thing GOD gives us. Honoring our parents is a choice, not a given.
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You are more important!

You are not alone. I am dealing with the same situation. I’m 58 and my mother is 85. She refuses to acknowledge the trauma she caused and still causes. I’m an only child. I’m at my wits end and physically and emotionally fried. I wish had answers for you…. I don’t know what to do anymore either. I’m just sooooo done. Please reach out to me and maybe we can figure it out together.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a Caregiver for an Abusive Parent
This worksheet is for reflection and discussion with a mental health professional. It is not legal or medical advice. Your safety and well‑being come first.
1) Safety & Emotional Risk
• What specific memories, feelings, or symptoms (e.g., panic, dissociation, nightmares) get triggered when you think about caregiving?
• Have you previously experienced PTSD, depression, self-harm, or substance use related to the abuse? How stable are these symptoms now?
• Do you have a concrete, written safety plan if you become overwhelmed or triggered?
• Is there a safe physical space (or no-contact option) you can retreat to at any time?
2) Boundaries & Control
• What boundaries would you need (e.g., no overnights, no direct personal care, limited phone availability)?
• Can you realistically enforce those boundaries with your mother, siblings, and extended family?
• Who will back you up when boundaries are challenged?
3) Motivation & Obligation
• Why do you feel responsible to do this? (e.g., guilt, pressure from siblings, financial concerns, desire for closure)
• If you remove guilt and obligation from the equation, do you still want to do this?
• Are you hoping for an apology, accountability, or reconciliation? How likely is that to happen, and what will it cost you emotionally if it doesn’t?
4) Alternatives & Delegation
• What non-caregiving roles could you take (e.g., coordinating paperwork, finances, or transportation) that limit direct exposure?
• Can professional caregivers, case managers, or social workers step in?
• Can your siblings share or fully assume the role?
5) Support Plan
• Do you have a therapist (preferably trauma-informed) you can see regularly while making and implementing this decision?
• Who are your supports (friends, partner, siblings) and what exactly can they do for you?
• How will you monitor your own mental health (e.g., PHQ-9, PCL-5, sleep tracking, journaling)?
6) Legal / Logistical Considerations
• Is there an existing power of attorney, guardianship, or advance directive? Who holds it?
• What are the medical, financial, and time demands of this caregiving role, realistically?
• What respite, home health, hospice, or long-term care options are available?
7) Financial & Work Impact
• How will caregiving affect your job, income, and benefits?
• Are there family funds or public benefits available to pay for professional care?
• Is anyone expecting you to contribute financially? Is that sustainable and fair?
RED FLAGS THAT MEAN "STEP BACK" (OR GET PROFESSIONAL HELP FIRST)
• You feel pressured or coerced by family to do this.
• Your mental health worsens quickly when you engage (e.g., panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, relapse into substance use).
• Your mother continues emotionally abusive or manipulative behavior.
• You cannot maintain or enforce boundaries.
• You’re doing this to get closure, an apology, or to fix the past.
IF YOU STILL CHOOSE TO PROCEED: MINI CARE PLAN TEMPLATE
• My role will include: ________________________________
• My role will NOT include: _____________________________
• Boundaries I will enforce (hours, tasks, topics): ________
• Backup person when I need time out: ____________________
• Professional supports in place (therapist, PCP, case manager): ____________________
• Warning signs I’m burning out or retraumatized (be specific): ____________________
• What I will do immediately if those warning signs appear: ____________________
• Review date for this decision (e.g., in 2–4 weeks): ____________________
RESOURCES (ADAPT TO LOCAL OPTIONS)
• Trauma-informed therapists (search: Psychology Today, GoodTherapy)
• Caregiver respite programs (Area Agency on Aging, state Medicaid waivers)
• Adult Protective Services / social workers for safety or neglect concerns
• National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988 in the U.S.)
Bottom line: You can care about your mother’s well-being without sacrificing your own.

It is time to have a meeting with your siblings where you can state your feelings and the others have an opportunity to do so. She most likely has not assigned anyone POA. If all sibs are in agreement then you all should state your feelings as a group that she will have to hire help or ask the state Medicaid to help her. Since you are seeing a therapist, you should ask if your choices would include no contact with her (gray rock her) For your own sanity. No one should abuse you without your permission or make you do anything.

Follow your siblings approach.

You are only going to break the cycle when you stop engaging with her.
If you have not already, Please seek emotional therapy!
I'm no psychologist, but I suspect you help her because you are still seeking her approval, and some sort of acknowledgement or apology from her. You Are Not Going To Get It.

Please, for your own emotional health, Stop allowing her to guilt you or manipulate you into providing any assistance for her! Now!

You say you want nothing to do with her. Move on. Block her calls. She can find someone else to provide assistance to her. And if she does not, and she falls and gets hurt, or dies in her home, YOU ARE NOT GUILTY for anything that happens to her!

You know, we hear people talk of Karma. What goes around comes around. As you reap, so shall you sow. She is living the life she created. If she has pushed everyone away from her, so be it. She's going to live a lonely life. It is unfortunate that you have had to experience such abuse and mental turmoil. You can't change her, you can only take steps to protect yourself from further abuse.

Would she qualify for long term Medicaid Financil need?

My mom is 89, dad is 93. They were able to obtain long term Medicaid last year so that they could stay in their home with support. The program is wonderful, PACE, along with Volunteers of America. They support my parents and the family.

My mother has had mental health issues for years, and my dad will not stand up to her for us or himself. She has severe anxiety especially about things that are new and “smell, electronics, water and their furnace. She has been verbally abusive to us girls for years. She refuses to leave for a better living situation because of this. We gave all said she can not come live with us.

My husband and I live the closest. For the past 28 years we have done whatever they needed to help them out, cooking, transportation, all tech. Issues and etc. my dad recently became ill and had to have surgery, my mom agreed to let the community support (long term Medicaid) help them put in a ramp, provide life alerts and etc. as soon as he got home she started denying services and trying to manipulate us into doing it all again.

It came to a head two weeks ago when she called me and left a message (yelling)that she wanted us to return everything we had stolen (vehicle we moved so they could put in the ramp, and money/checkbook -we had no money of theirs and we were paying all their bills by check while dad was sick) right now or they were going to get an attorney and sue us for left and fraud.

Then she called my sister out of state and accused her of helping us steal from them.

I saved the call, sent it to their case manager/social worker and medical clinic. I talked to the staff, they supported me stepping back. They held a meeting with my parents and basically told them that they needed to let them do their job and leave us alone.

I returned it all, I am monitoring accounts but have no contact. It is hard, but basically they have to crash and burn before anyone can help.

Guardianship is out.

She won't change.
You have to - for your own well being / quality of life.
This is hard work and takes an ongoing commitment.

You start by accepting her as she is.

Learn to forgive your mother - a hard one until you realize that forgiveness is for you, not her.

You process through your trauma (in therapy or however you can).

While you cannot change the past, you become aware that only you can change how you feel now.

She (or no one) can GUILT TRIP you unless you allow it.
No one can 'make you feel' any certain way.

If you want nothing to do with her.
Then there is your partial answer.

Work on yourself. What I do / did:

Write/journalling
Get into group or ind therapy
Read self-help books
Exercise / move / get energy out
Meditate
Turn the automatic negative thoughts into positive ones (about myself).
Eat healthy
Learn to love and respect your -myself
Listen to Buddhist teachings (Rick Hanson, Ph.D. for one)
Taking responsibilities for who and how I am now, understanding past trauma and changing thinking and behavior now.

You will develop your own ways / tools for healing. This is just what I did / do.

Look up Rick Hanson and neuro-plasticity (book Buddha Brain for one).
This explains that the brain can and does change with our efforts and inner work.

You are not stuck unless you believe you are.
Changing who we are takes ongoing committed inner work.

As long as you remain angry and mad pointing fingers at your mother, you will not change for the better. And you deserve a better life. Only you can take the steps to create it.

I know, it is a life-long process. One step at a time.


Gena / Touch Matters

I will repeat what has been stated so many times by other members of this forum.
"No one abused should be expected to care for their abusers".
It's a disaster. Your Mom actually caused her broken relationship with you. It's not up to you to save her from getting old and ill.
Your siblings drew a boundary line and are sticking to it. You need to do the same.
A true parent is more than someone who gave birth to you. It is someone who nurtures and makes a child feel loved and safe. You don't owe her anything. Please cut ties before she drags you down emotionally. I am sorry you had to endure her hatred.

You definitely are not alone! You should not spend another minute with Your Mom. Move away and get her a social worker. If you depend on their household’s income contact a county social worker for emergency assistance. Money is not worth further damage. If necessary, contact APS.

My example: I suffered years of abuse from my divorced mother who passed away in 2014. I live isolated from my isolated siblings who suffered too. Unfortunately, family dysfunctions continue and will until the day I die.

Payback in mho doesn't work. I love my mom and she abused the he k put of me. Still my mom and I'm at peace knowing I'm a christian. Do not forsake y mom when she is old. Let it go my opinion I understand pain guilt shame. For me I just t God I have humility. Payback isn't for me it's toxic.

Breakingthecycl: Prayers forthcoming.

You are so not alone! My mother abused the crap out of me. We went for a 3 year stint with no contact and then another 2 year stint with no contact. In 2017 doctors started calling me saying she has dementia. It started to get worse in 2020 and here we are now in 2025 and I am 58 and she is 82. I've done a lot of therapy and her dementia has made her ten thousand times nicer than she's ever been, so I make taking care of her sort of work, but it is anything but easy. I can see you're getting advice all over the map from take care of her to run, and I just want to say everyone gets to make their own decision here. I love the post with all the questions to ask ourselves.

One thing I will say --check the laws of your state! A lot of states have laws on the books (mostly financial) but don't enforce them, but some states, like Pennsylvania DO enforce their laws. Here it is:

Pennsylvania's Filial Responsibility Law (23 Pa. C.S. §§ 4603) requires adult children to financially support their indigent parents. However, this legal obligation to care for an abusive parent does not extend to physically caring for them. 

I was shocked when someone told me about these laws. Make sure you find out if your state has any and what you need to do to protect yourself.

Many people have suffered from parental behavior. (Me too.) You do not have to be a victim anymore. You are an adult and can choose the parameters of your relationship with your parents. You already know that your parent will not change and will attempt to manipulate you. Don't let that happen. You can make sure your parent has food, housing, medical needs, safety issues... all addressed through various services (or doing them yourself). That is what every faith group commends for treatment of your family elders. You do not have to stick around for abuse. If need be, you can assist your elder into a long term care facility and just check with administration to make sure needs are met. You do not need to continue a face-to-face relationship.