To call or not to call; any advice? -

To call or not to call; any advice?


Over the past three months I have had to call 911 because of a violent outburst resulting in a fall-though not seriously injured, husband was taken by ambulance to the hospital -lots of tests-nothing new-no UTI. Then a few weeks later I was hit harder, called the police. They came, were very respectful and kind, son drove husband to hospital-more tests-no UTI again. The costs of these trips are resulting in enormous insurance co-pays. Bank account overdrawn from mid month on trying to pay bills. His decline is horrific to watch and to deal with every day. His obsessions often result in such anger and threats to me, they are potentially harmful to me, to our two pets and to himself. He demands cigarettes now all day-another thing I cannot afford to provide, drinks coffee all day, fiddles and fidgets with personal items, filling his pockets with everything from his hairbrush, to electric shaver, cigs, misc keys he has found, toothbrush and more. He hides things all over the house then demands that I find whatever he has lost or get something that was "stolen" from him. He thinks I live somewhere else and why so I sleep here? I am a b----, and other ugly names and I should emphatically get out. He expects son to take him back home nights and mornings, thinks he owns multiple house in our community which he wants to sell-has actually called an agent here to find out what the houses are worth. I could go on and on and on, but I know that many of you are having these same experiences. I live in fear, though I reach out to resources, but how do I try to talk with someone when he follows me everywhere now. I am so tired, heartbroken and heart worn, respite grant will be over next month.



You must NOT have him in your home.
Have your son take him to ER for being physically violent with you and altered mental status. 

Ask for a hospital social worker to get APS (Adult Protective Services) involved.

Let them run tests but demand that he is seen by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist. He needs a mental evaluation.

Tell the social worker you are scared for your life and WILL NOT let him back in your home. Have your son state that his father has been abusive with you both. Tell them he needs to be placed and that YOU WILL NOT TAKE HIM HOME NOR ALLOW HIM BACK IN AND WILL GET THE POLICE INVOLVED AGAIN AT THE HOSPITAL.
They will be forced to have him evaluated and placed in a facility.
Tell your son to say that he has small children in his home and he would fear for their safety so he can't take his father to his house either.
You must be firm with the hospital. They will try to get you to let him go home. Tell them you've filed police reports of your abuse and are fearful that he'll kill you. They will HAVE to act.
Please do this today and let us know how it went. I'm so sorry for your situation. I'll pray for all of you.
Helpful Answer (39)
Reply to SueC1957

Yes to what Sue said; plus don't do what too many women do and start telling themselves, once help has arrived, that the attack wasn't that bad and everything is okay now.

Everything is not okay; and won't be until your husband receives the care he needs not to be a danger to you, to himself, and to others. When you're talking to officials, stay in the moment when your husband was attacking you - that's the situation that needs addressing.
Helpful Answer (31)
Reply to Countrymouse

This is domestic abuse. You need to get him put some where you are safe. He needs to be in a residential facility that can handle this kind of behavior.
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Reply to jagger

The hospital should have held him if they knew he was violent. If they didn't know, make sure they know next time. If they don't hold him ask for a social worker. Better yet don't wait ask family to help you connect with a social worker or call adult protective services. This will probably result in major changes in his or your living arrangements. Be prepared. Also make sure his doctor knows. Maybe a medication adjustment is in order. ER visits dont always result in better care, but are good for documentation, referrals, etc.. Our experiences at the ER were useless until we met a doctor who understood completely the battles of caregiving. He was a godsend.
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Reply to NightOwl

You have read the above and I can not add much to it at all other than you need to find placement for him ASAP.
His Doctor needs to know about the violent outbursts so he can be properly medicated for his safety as well as everyone else's
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Grandma1954

Have you talked to the ER personnel about his violent behavior? That he's a danger to you?

Have you asked about an involuntary psychiatric hold?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Yes to Sue and all who agree with her. You must get adult protective services involved. Also, it will be stressful for you and your son, so both of you plan to get some counseling. You must protect yourself and your grandchildren.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to WorriednWeary

This isn’t a typical domestic violence situation, but in some respects you MUST treat it as such. Your physical safety is paramount!! He isn’t choosing to treat you this way. Please recognize that his brain is broken, and he is no longer in control of himself. He deserves to get the help he needs to keep himself and others SAFE. Call APS or his neurologist or a lawyer TODAY. Be pro-active; do not wait for another crisis. Find out what his treatment options are. You cannot help your husband if you are hospitalized with injuries or worse. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!! You are getting him the MEDICAL CARE he needs and deserves. That is the most loving act anyone can do for him right now. PLEASE keep yourself and others safe.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to FarmJelly

I totally agree with jagger! When you are in it; you can't see how bad. It will be safer for both, no guilt.
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Reply to katy456

Keep in mind that the man you married is no longer that person.
Dementia damages portions of the brain, it can be different in each person. It may also depend greatly on the type/cause of dementia. With certain types of dementia violence is common. And with some types of dementia medication can be a difficult thing to adjust. The correct type of dementia must be diagnosed.
When my Husband was diagnosed I said I would keep him at home as long as it was safe for me to do so. That was safe for him and for me. If he had become violent I would not have been able to handle him so as much as I loved him, as much as I wanted him home it would not have been possible. After all who would care for him if he were to hurt me so that I had to be hospitalized or if he killed me? He would have had to be placed in a Memory Care facility at that point anyway. So better my choice and I would have been able to visit. Luckily I never had to make that choice.
so while we all want to keep our loved ones at home sometimes for their safety or ours the decision is removed from hour hands.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Grandma1954

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