My husband is 82, has an amazing work ethic, is not concerned about money, and so pleasant most of the time. We've been married 63 years.
However, we've always dealt with this bad temper! If you say or do anything wrong, he is frightening. Twice with 6-year-old great-grandchild, his temper has flared. His mother (our second grandchild) says she was very frightened!
I'm looking for someone who's dealt with a similar situation.
Please be very careful yourself.
NEVER leave him alone with a child, or anyone else for that matter. It is amazing how strong and fast a person can be when they are angry.
If he does become violent and you are afraid LEAVE the room. Call 911.
For many people violence is a tipping point and he may have to be placed in Memory Care. The "problem" might be that most if not all facilities will not accept a patient if they have had any violent outbursts in the past 60 to 90 days. So it is very important that you talk to his doctor about controlling the behavior before it becomes worse.
And if he has already resorted to physical violence it is time to consider placing him.
I wouldn't expect you to necessarily be able to make drastic changes for yourself although ...
If you allow him to be with your gr grand children, they will internalize these horrifying experiences for the rest of their life ... being in therapy, not trusting people ...
Of course, this child is frightened - I don't know why you add an " ! " - this fear is to be expected - and is serious.
I CERTAINLY would never ever allow your husband to be in the same room with those kids. Why do you?
I have no idea why you mention his work ethic - as if this compensates for his temper / lashing out and terrorizing the family?
For the sake of all concerned, get the children in therapy so they can get the support they need. Your husband needs to be medicated or somehow ... managed so his temper is under control and not adversely affecting your entire family, as he has been doing - for what? decades?
I wonder why you've put up with this yourself. It sounds like you are an abused wife and I'd think after being married to someone with these proclivities / behaviors that your self-esteem has suffered or played right into - this relationship - due to your own emotional make-up. It may be too late for you to change; hopefully it isn't too late for the great grand children.
My advice to you: Leave him. [My good friend left a marriage after 50 years around 20 years ago ... he left in his mid-70s ... wanting whatever life he had left to be as enjoyable as possible. At now 90, he is enjoying life. It is never too late to make a decision to enjoy your life you have left.
You might benefit from therapy, too.
Gena / Touch Matters
For now? Keep any and ALL children away from him. They don’t understand why he gets mad. It’s not safe. The scene of granddad in a rage will be imprinted in their minds forever. And if you think he’d never hurt them or you, you are mistaken. This is not something you should grin and bear.
If he rages, for whatever reason, call 911. A hospital can do a 48 hour hold and hopefully find a way to help him.
If not then it may be time to consider placement in a memory care/LTC facility.
Married 63 years, you're not a young woman yourself. Your husband is a danger to you now because he's not in his right mind.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and now am in that business. I saw many a sweet, old lady with a black eye and other injuries because a husband with dementia got angry over something and took it out on her. Those old ladies always "fell" or "walked into a door". Not unless floors and doors can make a fist and pop someone in the face they didn't. All homecare workers must report such things to their supervisor or APS and we do. You may want to talk with APS and see what they recommend for your situation.
You should ask your husband's doctor to prescribe medications that will keep your husband's agitation and anger down. Get them in liquid form and dose his drinks with it. Don't even tell him he's being given medication.
In the meantime make any kids coming to visit are very controlled and have their parents with them at all times. Also, it would be a good idea for you to tour a few memory care?LTC facilities. Often there's waiting lists for memory care/LTC facilities and they can't take a new resident straight away.
Sadly, your husband is going to get worse the longer he lives. He's a danger to you and it's going to get worse. Please talk to his doctor (without him) and tell them what you're living with and ask for recommendations.
The means of diagnosis were brain scans, extensive tests, a look at past health issues, and interviews. Medication was prescribed, talk therapy recommended, AA or addiction treatment recommended. Family member refused it all "because I wouldn't be me anymore." This person had been violent with family members, and neighbors were wary. The current marriage broke up, the past marriage had been over for years due to anger issues.
So for what it's worth, that was a situation similar to yours. Another psychologist (family friend who used the caveat that since she hadn't seen this person herself her private remarks were off the record) said that with this diagnosis, the patient probably didn't have enough time left on earth to get well anyway.
Protect yourself and your family. We don't want to be watching your story on Dateline! But as our psychologist friend stated, undiagnosed or ignored mental problems are how some of those sadly ending stories begin.
personally I would have family not visit and when he asks say you allowed your temper to take over and they’re too frightened to be around you so won’t come back until you can control your temper
mid say the grandchildren can’t sleep anymore he frightened her so much and seeing a doctor
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that said it’s prob important to speak to dr and see wot medications he’s taking or what he can take to calm himself down. I’d be interested to know what triggered the outburst to try and avoid in future or just walk out to another room
y til he realises bad tempers equals no company
if he cares that is.
i guess his reaction to his grandchild not sleeping because his temper frightened them so much Would answer if he will change/modify his behaviour.
if he doesnt care - have days out to meet that dint involve him until he can behave respectfully ?
sorry - not much help
If your husband's anger tips over from verbal to physical outbursts, you could be in danger. With dementia, you can't predict what will happen.
Your husband might be able to be calmed with medication, and I would strongly suggest you try that. I think you should also be thinking about placing him in a suitable facility for his care and your health.
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