My mother has severe dementia. We have the same routine every night. I will take her to the bathroom, get her ready for bed and she takes her meds. Every night when I go in her room to tell her that I need to help her up so I can help her to the bathroom, she gives me a mean look and just stares at me. She doesn't like to stand and walk because it hurts her back and knees. Once I get her up she's pretty good at walking, just slow. However, getting her to cooperate is horrible. She fights and struggles against the chair, refusing to help me. She pushes back with her feet and hits and kicks. She's very strong. I have to get her into the bathroom so she doesn't have an accident. What can I do? I get extremely anxiety filled every evening when I know that the battle is soon to begin. I try to be as nice and comforting as possible. She's fairly cooperative in the mornings and pleasant during the day. It's the evenings that are so horrible. Is there a way to overcome this? Is there something I could do different? She only uses the bathroom twice a day now because I can't get her to go. She says she doesn't have to when I ask. I know that she has to go in the evening. We barely get her on the toilet and she's going. I will take and suggestions. I am at my wits end and a stressed out wreck over this.
If you get injured 'helping her' through these evening ordeals, who will be there for her? - and you? If you keep going, you will burn out and not be able to care for her - or yourself. You are at your wits end so it is time to stop and find an/other way. Even if it means placing her in a facility. And see below.
Medication?
Get a strong/er caregiver in at night to do this.
Don't argue.
There is nothing you could do different wherein she will be 'nice' and agreeable to what you are doing. She hurts physically. Mentally/psychologically she may believe that you are (wanting to) hurting her so she is rebelling. And, she may 'just' be so confused that she is angry and/or in a self-protection mood.
The one behavior you do not do is 'push against' / argue.
This makes everything worse.
Get a caregiver in there asap for the evening needs, including showers.
Do not ask. She cannot make these decisions. Introduce her to your NEW FRIEND.
Gena / Touch Matters
Mom wore Depends at night. I did put a bedside commode next to her.
Agree regarding meds.
She is no longer able to bring her broken mind to a place of cooperation and acceptance because she isn't able to figure out how to communicate her feelings and needs, so it is merciful to help her with this. It may not be a perfect solution and it may require trying several different drugs at different dosages before you find a good fit.
You will need to readjust your expectations and pick your battles so you don't burn out.
I also agree to maybe tour some facilities and figure out the financing of such so that you never have to do it in a crisis.
Yes, ask the Dr for something to calm her.
I know that you already likely know that you may be looking at a time when this isn't doable by one person in-home, so I will surely spare you that whole talk until you come to us wanting to discuss it.
I surely do wish you the best of luck but the only recommend I have for you, being you are pretty much a pro at this, is to discuss with the Doc. I hope you'll update us.
Best of luck to you.
At night, I also use a bedside commode so she doesn't have to walk to the bathroom. Easier for both of us. I use commode liners with pads that I buy on Amazon or Walmart which make cleanup a breeze. Here's a link:
https://www.amazon.com/OUMEE-Commode-Absorbent-Portable-Disposable/dp/B0BQWLVGBW/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=36LY34X7OEQKI&keywords=commode+liners+and+pads&qid=1705072160&sprefix=commode+liners+and+pa%2Caps%2C590&sr=8-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1
DO NOT worry about addiction or what 'the neighbors might think--we're drugging mom to keep her manageable'.
Do what you HAVE to to get her to be cooperative. My MIL takes Ativan in the day and Xanax at bedtime. (Why the combo, IDK). Without the Xanax at night, she is completely incapable of cooperating with her kids who are her CG's.
I joke with DH as he tries to make her 'understand' b/c he can't. I said "Give a Xanax to Mom and you take one too". I'm joking, of course, but the point is, they BOTH get agitated and upset when she's not cooperative. And once she gets to raging--well, forget it, she is impossible.
She does toilet herself, but wears Depends all day. They are pretty well soaked, but she can change herself.
There's no way in the world she would put up with a commode in her bedroom. I bet a lot of seniors feel that way. (I would.)
hope this helps!