Hello. I am new to this site and new to forums in general. I apologize for posting on someone else's thread and say thank you to those contributors who offered me some advice. So here goes my story....
My father is 63. Three years ago he met a woman (55 years old) online while he was managing a business on his own and living alone. Three months into his new relationship, my father suffered a mild heart attack.
I live quite a distance away from him and went to go see him with my kids. He told me his lady friend was staying over at the same time, which I didn't mind as it gave me an opportunity to meet her.
She seemed friendly enough and I was happy to see my father happy around her.
However, alarm bells began to ring when I caught her looking at houses for sale on the computer. She didn't own her own home at the time, had no savings and was on stress leave from work, paid for by the government.
More alarm bells rang when she proceeded to tell me that she was waiting for my father to ask her to move in with him. She told me she couldn't be looking for work and helping my father (who was due to have a triple bypass surgery in 3 months). They had known each other for 12 weeks at this stage. I had offered to help him out but he told me she had already offered.
She ended up moving in with my father and he had his heart surgery. My brother went to see him in the hospital and commented how clingy and over affectionate she was with him.
Since the surgery, my father ended up selling his business and retired. He bought a house for him and her to live in and within 3 weeks of living in his new house, he had a stroke.
I didn't get news of the stroke from her until much later that day. But when I did, I made plans immediately to go and see him in hospital. Within minutes of arriving at the hospital (which was a 10 hour drive away!), she came into his room acting overly anxious. I asked to speak to her outside his room as it was making me feel uncomfortable.
She then told me "not to take her house away from her" and "your father wants me in his will". I thought these were very strange responses especially when my father just had a stroke! I told her my father had made me POA prior to him meeting her and I was there to help. Still, she kept a very close eye on me and never left my father's side (nor gave me any time alone with him) during my visit.
The whole time I was there, I just couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right with her.
Anyway fast forward a couple of months and my father had entered rehab for his stroke. My grandmother called me to tell me that my dad had changed his POA and will. He made her POA and put her in his will. I questioned dad's capacity to make big changes so soon after having his stroke. He said it was just easier this way.
Since rehab, my father has bought 2 more houses and moved twice. Meanwhile, us adult kids get no contact from him since the stroke. When we call, its put on loudspeaker and she listens in and comments. Around Xmas time I questioned her about why is it her grandkids get acknowledged and mine don't when Dad cant do these things for himself?
She kept blaming my father for being stubborn and tight with his money. I reminded her of an earlier conversation where she promised she would help get dad reconnected with his family. But she told me my dad doesn't want to go anywhere.
Since the textes she has blocked my phone number and all contact with my father. My brother is told a whole bunch of lies about the conversation in the hospital including that I am just after my inheritance (her words). She also told my brother that I pulled her out of the hospital room and demanded to know all his bank account numbers! and to top it off, my father now blames me for splitting him and a previous partner up and he said he will never forgive me for that.
I'm now so confused. I'm being blamed for something I never did and now I have no way of contacting my father. I don't even know where they live and they aren't giving out their address (she doesn't want me turning up to abuse her she said). All I wanted to do was to send my dad photos of the grand kids but she tells my brother she doesn't want the photos in her house. My father just goes along and backs whatever she says.
I've called the elderly abuse hotline regarding this matter but they said if my father is happy then there is really not much they can do. I could apply to have his capacity reassessed but I know that that is just going to cause any even bigger wedge between my father and I.
Other well-meaning family members are telling me to just let him be. But I know we will never talk again. It doesn't help when she posts nasty quotes and pictures of apes with their middle finger up on social media (which I'm sure is aimed at us). My father would have no clue she is doing this. Nor would he approve if he hadn't had his stroke.
Some things just don't add up. What do you think I should I do? thanks for reading.