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I feel like the last 10 months, I spent taking care of both my soon to be 89 year old parents, I was subjected to psychological warfare. :)


They moved out last Thursday. 10 months with me, and all I can think is … how sad it all is. What a bad decision to have them live with me. What a mess it was, and how did this happen. Why did it not work as planned.


I thought that once they left, I would be jumping up for joy and full of new energy and ideas, loving my freedom back. But... I'm not.


I am instead exhausted, weary, totally spent, worried about them and feeling guilty, voila! Of course that guilt, forever present no matter what, it pisses me off, rofl.


It has only been 5 days, and so far I am vegetating in a comatose state eating chocolate. :) I do the bare minimum daily, make food, eat it, shower, clean, watch Netflix, eat chocolate lol. I am worried I will not get back to me.


It feels like I was in the trenches fighting for the last 10 months. As I write this I find it all hilarious omg. lol. What a crazy time it was, all of it. I think my mind has altered the reality of it so that I can laugh but mostly cringe. It feels like it never happened but somehow I know about and can hear the echo of it.


I was in a vortex and it was eternal, but now it seems to have gone by unnoticed.


I feel like I do not have parents. I do not seek them out. These are 2 people that I got to know and now I am only confused by them. It is all sad.


I want to motivate myself back to life. I know I will, hope is always on my mind.


How have others faired?

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Honestly, I could not have gone through the last 10 months without this forum. Daily readings helped me to realize I was not crazy nor alone. Thank you!

@lealonnie1
@Riverdale
@MACinCT
@cxmoody
@JoAnn29
@Sendhelp
@MJ1929

thank you for your wisdom and encouragement.
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You're going through a Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome of sorts, if not the full fledged version of it. If you're like me, I function perfectly THROUGH the traumatic situation, then break down AFTERWARD. That's how I cope with difficult situations. I wait till they're over with and then freak out.

It's okay to feel sad, to eat chocolate, to watch schlock TV that's mindlessly entertaining. It's okay not to feel motivated to do much of anything; you've been doing too much for too long as it is. It's like the old adage; depression isn't a sign of weakness; it's a sign of being too strong for too long. That's kind of apropos in this situation, isn't it?

Like MJ said, give yourself time. And a big pat on the back for all you DID do for your folks, whether it worked out or not. You gave it your all and that counts for a lot. Treat yourself with the grace & compassion you'd treat a good friend going through the same thing.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
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Riverdale Sep 2021
I react practically the same way,with almost any setback in various categories of events with life. I hold up well and then can fall apart. I know this about myself by now so I try hard to plan ahead. Right now my mother's state of health is such a seesaw. I have a routine of some different exercise classes each week. I allow myself some flexibility if I really wake up and don't feel up to it but some cannot be easily canceled which is best for me. Without the routine of those I would be much worse off.

I realize I am fortunate to be able to be at a point in life to live this way. I sympathize greatly with those who do not have time away from caregiving for personal time. My mother has had periods of illness that go back to when I was 10 that I remember. My father had to bring his parents to CA from NY to help at home. I grew very close to my grandmother which was a treasured relationship. I try to be the grandmother to the 4 grandchildren I have that have the qualities that gave me stability. None of them live close so it is when we or they visit.

For those having great difficulty with caregiving I advise to try hard to have some routine in a day that benefits them no matter how little the time may be. For me it is exercise. A small achievement can make a difference.
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You have been through soooo much.

There is sadness, exhaustion, as well as grief.

Each of these will take their own time to work through.

Then, there’s the dealing with our parents, who are both still alive and aren’t, at the same time. Each visit is like a small death. I feel like every time I see my mother, I need a day to recover. It’s emotionally exhausting.

Enjoy that 🍫! 😀
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lealonnie1 Sep 2021
Well said, Colleen.
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Because we look thru rose colored glasses. The Dementia we once saw on TV was a little old lady sitting in a rocking chair staring out in space doing nothing. When in the real world you deal with paranoia, going in their pants because they don't want to wear Depends. Needing someone to bath and toilet them. And I bet Dad did nothing. They seem to have forgotten what it was like to work a job, raise kids and keep up a house and property. They become self-centered even without Dementia. And, we are usually Seniors too that lack the energy we had at 30 or 40. But they don't see it.

There's also that adage "you can't go home". Also means they can't live with you. You have changed as you have aged and so have they. They aren't the same people who raised you and you are not the same child. You are an adult now not their little girl with life experiences of your own.

Please do not feel guilt and this is someone who could at one time be made to feel guilty. I refuse to feel guilty for the decisions I made for my Mom. Or things I may have said or done out of frustrations. Patience is not my strong suit As the oldest, and a girl, out of 3 kids, the other 2 boys, I was the only one doing the work. Having Mom living here and me having to be on my toes all the time, didn't work. I felt guilty because I had to keep her in the bottom level of the house. That was were an extra bath was. Easier excess out of the house. But she just sat all day. Never did puzzles, played games or cards, reading was her thing and she couldn't do that any more. And I was not an entertainer. Daycare 3x a week helped but the AL was the best thing I ever did. Gave her the freedom to come and go. I just visited.

So, for now vegetating and eating chocolate for the last 5 days sounds good. Its OK to give yourself some downtime. Decompress.
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Sendhelp Sep 2021
JoAnn,
Simply put, this is perfect!
"There's also that adage "you can't go home". Also means they can't live with you."

There is hope, and there is recovery!

An overnight visit to 'my husband's' mother, took 3 months of no contact
to be less confused about her pushing me as I tried to leave. Reading what others experienced helped the most. The no contact continues.
It feels hard-hearted 3 years later. Dh still hears from her via forwarded news articles only, never a conversation.
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Give yourself time. Eventually you'll run through your watchlist and get sick of chocolate and will get out and start looking around again. It didn't take five days to get to this place, and it won't take five days to pull out of it.
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