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I have to decide if I will move my declining mom who currently is on a trach with vent at KECK hospital to a long term facility or choose hospice. I am the only one she has. The story how my mom got to this point is tragic. I haven't been able to work and have put my life on hold for over 2 months. I am sick to my stomach most of the time. I don't know how to not do all possible to keep her alive but not sure what the right thing to do is. This is making me sick. My mom also has dementia and can't talk now because of the trach. She and I never really discussed any of this so it is on my to make these decisions and I just don't know what I can live with.

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Cindy
I don't have experience with a trach but am in the Los Angeles area and know of a support group in Santa Monica for caregivers of Alzheimer's - private message me if you like - I understand the demands and loneliness of being a sole caregiver
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Cindy, I am so sorry you have to go through this and feel so alone about it. The one thing I would keep coming back to if I was you, is the quality of life your mom could expect to have if you get her off the trach. She has dementia - do you think she has Alzheimers? Does she still have some semblance of cognitive function?

My mom is 96 and definitely, has cognitive decline (I'd say dementia), but she's able to take care of herself on a day-to-day basis, with a lot of help from me. If she was to the point where she had trouble orienting herself to the world around her and she couldn't do things she enjoyed doing, that would factor into my decision about how much of a fight to wage on her behalf. My mom can still read and work her crossword puzzles, so she's generally happy and not in pain. If she was in constant pain, that would also figure into my decision. So there are many factors to consider when you decide how much you want to fight.

My dad was diagnosed with lung cancer at 91. The oncologist gave him a year to live and then wanted to do six weeks of daily radiation, which I thought was excessive for a man his age and in his condition. He wasn't going to get out of that situation alive. So I asked about a more conservative option. We settled on 2 weeks of daily radiation for palliative care. He died one year and three days later without pain.

Sometimes you have to separate what the doctors want to do (which is often to go the full distance in saving their patient, which is what they're trained to do) with what is actually best for your loved one. Only you can know the full circumstances for your mom, but if you share some of your pros and cons, I'm sure you'll get some good discussion that may help you make a more assured course of action. Hugs to you - this isn't easy!
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Thanks for answering. I would like to have both help from on-line and with live groups if possible. This is the hardest thing I have ever faced and I feel so alone. Today I spoke with the palliative Doctor here and she adviced I try long term but with a short term goal to get my mom off the trach. I am just not sure what short term means and what type of quality my mom will have even if I get her off the vent. She has been bed bound for 2 months and she is 81. I just don't know what to do but to keep trying and I don't know how to let her go if I'm the one who has to make the decision to do so. Has anyone out there had a similar experience and if so, what did they do and how did they handle the pain of it all? The only family member I have stopped visiting my mom because she said hospitals are toxic places so it is only me.
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Cindy, we here can help you as an on-line support group. But if you prefer to attend meetings for support please contact your local agency on aging to see if they have a list of support groups https://www.agingcare.com/local/Area-Agency-on-Aging
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