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My mother feels like my house that I have worked and paid for is hers and tries to tell my 11 year old daughter when she can have company and when she can't. She is very messy and doesn't clean up after herself but folds my husbands clothes religiously and at 72 years old she is in generally good health and will do anything to keep me and my husband from spending time together because he loves her not me! She weighs about 250 pounds and I weigh 125 and she said we were the same size and even took my clothes. I am so depressed I want to walk out and say you can have this filthy mess! I can't keep up after I work all day I come home to tomatoe peels hanging from the cabinets where she has been "canning"!!! HELP

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Tired24u: Your mother can no longer continue to reside in your home. Your mother suffers from mental illness. It's shocking at 72 years of age! But she can no longer continue on there at your place. You need your sanity. "She is in generally good health" is a NO! She is also a thief. I hope you got your clothing back. Demand that she clean the tomato peels! Totally unacceptable!
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Oh, and this is not fair to ur 11yr old. She needs to enjoy her teen years. Gmom is going to either keep her friends away or she is not goingq to invite theem over.
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Sorry, I couldn't put up coming home to a messy house or my FIL trying to get it on with me. Both need to be in a Nursing Home.
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Tired24u,
Having been caregiver for my dad for 13 years with him living in my home, I found it difficult to recognize his deminishing cognitive reasoning even with a dementia diagnosis from his doctor. If you have had your mom checked out for dementia you should since it helps some to realize there are issues beyond your loved ones personality or strong will. Even with a diagnosis it can feel like they are manipulating but as dementia progresses I have found the behavior begins to get more bizarre. I found it helpful to have my brother who lived in another state help me determine changes happening as I was too close. I also took advantage of an adult day center for a while for my dads safety and my sanity. Once he began to wander and we could not keep him safely in our home we found a great memory care facility where he found a "girlfriend" and told me often he was married to her. Which he was not. Obviously there were some difficult moments but the staff was good at redirecting and keeping them both busy with appropriate activities. I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the facility and its staff. My dad passed this past April but had 2 good years in his home there. Best wishes on your difficult journey. You are not alone.
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Tired24u,
You don't say what your mother's condition is. From what you describe, I'd have her evaluated for cognitive decline, UTI, infections, illnesses of some sort. It seem that she's have delusions that are disruptive to the home. I would be very cautious to leave her unattended, especially operating a stove. You say she makes a big mess in the kitchen. She could start a fire and burn the house. Be careful and take measures to protect your family.

And be aware how her dysfunction can have an impact on your children. I know that staying in the house for even a short while like I did with my cousin, who suffered dementia, was extremely disturbing. Don't minimize how the kids may be feeling. How are they handling it? They likely see how you are reacting as well.
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I have always just ignored this kind of behavior as long as it is not physically threatening to me. Just give them a dirty look and go on with what you are doing.
I once pulled a blanket off an 85 year old male who wouldn't get out of bed and discovered he was naked and "could still get it up". I threw a blanket back over the offending part and he just laughed and said he hadn't had a woman in five. years.
I am afraid if you are dealing with these situations you just have to check your prudish ideas at the door. More difficult if you have a previous relationship with this person but you are the one with the power now.
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Stacey, if your FIL is doing that *only* in front of the medical team, I wouldn't say it is inappropriate. It's medically relevant. But I wouldn't offer to leave the room - I'd just leave! Anything you need to know or they need to ask for caregiving related reasons can be dealt with before or after.
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" This is just another form of the many kinds of abuse caregivers suffer at the hands of their charges. It's bad, but so is being accused of stealing, or being told you're stupid or cruel, or some of the other things I read about. " Right you are. I am continually amazed at the abuse to caregivers mentioned on this forum.

I'm glad it isn't being forced on you, and that it is actually getting better as your fil's mind slips away.
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Yes, CTTN, that's what it is. We all know it--except him. He is incapable of knowing it, and incapable of changing his behavior. We've done what we can to modulate it somewhat. This is just another form of the many kinds of abuse caregivers suffer at the hands of their charges. It's bad, but so is being accused of stealing, or being told you're stupid or cruel, or some of the other things I read about. And I should mention this isn't being forced on me. The family shares Dad, so he isn't with us all the time. Also, if I ever say I can't do it anymore, Dad will have one less place to stay. It may come to a NH soon anyway. He's not getting any better and is actually less of a problem for me now as his mind slips further.
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My situation is a little different, but when I take my FIL to his Drs appointments, and they ask him to drop his pants, so that they can check his buttocks for an recurring bed sore on his sacrum, and also feel his groin for swollen glands as he has Lymphoma. I always offer to leave the room, however I'm the one who does the treatment and dressings on his bedsore at home, when its acting up, so he always says "NoNo, you can stay", but he always has to make these uncomfortable statements about how he can't "get it up anymore", and how he has no need for "women" anymore, it's just so Gross and inappropriate, as well as embarrassing! And when I bring it to his attention, he just poo poo's it off, like it was funny! He doesn't act inappropriate at home, and he lives with us, only in front of others!
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Isn't it interesting what caregivers are forced to put up with, when in any other situation it would be considered what it really is? Susieshoes, your fil is sexually harassing you.

The good thing is that you aren't expected to bathe him!
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I've not only heard of this before, I live with it every day, though in my case it's my 93 year old FIL with dementia who thinks he and I are a "thing." He wants cuddles and kisses, for me to sneak into his bed in the morning, and to make me "happy." What would make me happy is if he wouldn't do these things. But that's the path his dementia is on. His family has taken to calling me Marilyn Monroe. LOL So that part, where your mother thinks your husband is in love with her... she really believes this and there's not a lot you can do about that.

If your husband is aware of what she's doing, believe me, he's frustrated and confused. I'm in his shoes and understand how conflicted he might feel. If he's nice to her, she misinterprets. If he distances himself, he feels bad about not being nice to your mom and an elder, and possibly someone he once respected or liked a lot. He also may feel less able to help with caring for her, and feels guilty about that. Me, for example. I can't bathe FIL, or even talk about it around him, unless I want to listen to him say he would really love to see me naked. I can't even sit and talk with him without someone else in the room because he thinks that's open season on flirting with me. Is your spouse in a similar situation? Whatever you do, don't let your mother, or your anger at her, cut you and your husband off from having fun together! He and your daughter, and yourself, are your foremost priorities.

The other things, like the messiness and actually thinking she can wear your clothes, or even that they are hers, can be part of dementia. If you haven't done so already, get her checked out by a geriatric doctor. My FIL is on medication now that actually helps somewhat with his delusions about having a romantic relationship with me. He's still messy and has other issues, though.

Above all else, remember you are not alone. People here can help. We can listen when you need to vent. Lots of us have been, or still are, in situations a lot like yours.
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Believe it or not, I have heard of this before. I believe the lady had Alzheimer's Disease. My advice would be just to roll with the punches and don't take everything so personally. Just part of caregiving, right? It's something new every day. Otherwise, it might be better for Mom to move to Assisted Living. I can imagine how challenging it must be to work outside the home and do all this too. I know I couldn't do it. My MIL usually thinks my husband is her brother, who has been deceased for years. And no, they don't resemble in the least.
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Why on earth is she living with you? Does she have dementia? Or is she "just" mentally ill?

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and set up an assessment of her caregiving needs.
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Why is your mother living at your home? What are her impairments? Mobility issues? Dementia? COPD? Tell us a little about how long she has been there and why she came.
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