Follow
Share

My mother has developed certain behaviors that my fiance says do not bother him, such as going to the kitchen and watching what he is doing like washing dishes or fixing something to eat. He calls her a nuisance. I agree she may do these things but she has done them before the dementia developed. Maybe I should have thicker skin, but it bothers me when he says these things to me because she still is my mother. This then results in conflict and hurt feelings. I just want support not criticism of my mother's habits.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I have cleared the air with my significant other who had been critical of my mother. He does realize that we are in her house and that is the only mother I have and will defend her to the end. I have validated his concerns and issues. I believe he is experiencing his own frustrations since his work has not picked up like he wanted. I appreciate all the answers, this is a great outlet to discuss things that others do not understand. Bless all of you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Cosmic,

I too was a little put off by your description of how your fiancee is behaving. Coming to you in private and talking with you about how your mom can get on his nerves is one thing. It's respectful of your feelings and it's respectful towards your mom but calling her names ("nuisance") to you, her daughter, is not a nice or appropriate way of dealing with his feelings. It's a cheap shot at someone who is vulnerable (your mom) and it puts you in an awkward position (either having to defend your mom or validating his feelings which could just reinforce his behavior).

Have you told him that you need his support? If not, do. Have you explained to him that his attitude towards your mom puts you on the defensive and that you do not want to have to choose who to support, him or her?

If you have had these discussions and his behavior has not changed then it probably never will.

Partners in life support one another. He should be helping you care for your mom, not insulting her and by extension, you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

When I read the sentence "he calls her a nuisance," I envisioned him saying this in the kitchen while he made a sandwich. I don't think he is very nice, and may be a bit of a bully. I would listen to your instincts, and to those of us here who you are consulting with about how to deal with it! Right? Yea, I think he's a jerk. No respect for you or your Mother. Engagements can be broken.
Is this his house, or yours together? That will tell something as well.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Have you told him how his criticisms bother you? If you have told him (rationally, not in the heat of an argument) and he persists, then I'd say he is a jerk, both for not making allowances for your mother's dementia and for not supporting you when you ask for it. Do you really want to spend your life with a jerk?

Living with someone who has dementia is hard, so maybe we should cut him some slack. I suggest trying a few sessions of relationship counseling to sort this out.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I react the same way when one person I love criticizes another person I love. I want to make them see things the way I do. I feel unsupported and hurt and angry. He should definitely change. Unfortunately, he's not likely to.

He has a right to his feelings, just as you do. He finds your mother's behavior a nuisance. He's not entitled to be abusive to her, but he is entitled to complain. But only a little! Is he good to her in other ways?

I suggest that when he complains, you sigh, and agree with him that it's annoying, because it probably is. Let him talk for a short time, them remind him that she doesn't do it to annoy him, but can't really help it. If you acknowledge his feelings, he might be able to stop there.

If he needs or wants to vent long and/or loud, you have a right to tell him that it's hard for you to listen to, and can he find someone else to talk to at length. If he's being mean to her face, of course, that's not OK. But he has a right not to like the situation and to say so briefly from time to time. He has a right to see you taking his side part of the time. If you can be sympathetic to that, hopefully he will be able to express his frustration and let it go.

Hang in there!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.