I have set very clear boundaries regarding spending time alone with my mother, who has Alzheimers. I will not spend time alone with her because she chronically complains about being "b*tched out" but won't say by whom. It inevidently boils to down to me; she lies to my sisters about things regarding conversations we've had, and even tells them that I'm difficult to deal with. I was the primary person taking care of my father for a year before his death in June. My sisters did help some, but I took so much time off from work, that my income loss is into the 10's of thousands. I have tried to help with my mother, but it's impossible for me spend time alone with her without my become physically ill after her complaining. This is why I have had to set this boundary. HOWEVER, the oldest sister continues to ask me to take her to appointments, has demanded and tried to order me to go to my mother's house to check on her twice a week. I clearly said no, I cannot do that. The disrespect for my answer was followed by text messages after 11:00pm stating that I MUST take care of my mother, and that there will be "consequences for my decisions". This harassment makes me physically sick to my stomach, results in a major headache to the point where I cannot sleep. I ask myself what I can do to better my situation, but I have yet to come up with an answer. I have offered support in every other way, which has included driving significant distances to hand deliver important and time-sensitive documents, obtaining signatures for those docs, and contributing to large decisions regarding my mother's future care. It's not as if I have completely turned my back on my mother and sisters. But now I really want to. The disrespctful demands and being ordered to take part in a level of care that I have stated I cannot have me ready to turn completely away from my mother and sisters. Are there any suggestions out there that might stop the harassment and threats without going to the extreme and filing a civil 'no contact" order?

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Indeed, I have scratched the record with saying over and over that I will not spend time alone with my mother. I have said NO again and again and AGAIN! Last evening while I was at a concert, the texts came rolling in, WILL YOU? WILL YOU? YOU NEED TO.... I did not respond.
This morning the text read "Satan is having his way with you...."
I did not respond, nor will I.

Mom is headed to Independent Living next month. POA sister began vulturing through the belongings at my parent's house with her offspring even before my Dad had passed. Quite frankly, there's nothing there that I want.

I wanted to having a working team relationship with my sisters, but through my father's illness and dying process I realized the loftiness of my expectation.
I was glad to have the chance to do good work to help my father, and value the last year of his life...value that I had that very important time with him. I would do it all over again in a heart-beat, but I'd leave my mother out of the picture more ( she really was a burden, she was unkind to him and essentially she was just along for the ride).
Seeing as a first-hand observer, and the youngest of 3 girls, I was afforded the view of seeing many a man visit the house as a pre-schooler. My mother relentlessly complained about my father ( he was an abusive person to her and to the three of us). She would spend hours and hours on the phone with my aunts complaining about my father.
By the time I was an adult, married with children, she'd do the same with me, complain about my father.
I told her I was tired of hearing it, and she needed to find a solution. It didn't happen... she continued complaining...then we eventually talked less, then seldom... then hardly at all. There's only so much we can attribute to Alzheimer's. Had she taken control of her life at any point, I would have alot more respect for her declining mental health.
Yes, my position is "Let the other two sisters take care of Mom. I took care of Dad. Now you can give up a little something out of your lives for Mom.
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It sounds like you are all fed up with her and try to pass her off like a hot potato. Get together and agree that it is time to move mom to assisted living. Maybe you are not the only one getting physically ill from her tantrums.
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OK, also , I am thinking again.. and what I really should be trying to say is - even if her constant complaining and negativity are not real threats to you legally - you do have a right to say NO to exposing yourself to that if your gut says you can't handle it. I tolerated some of that from my mom - BUT - she was in skilled nursing and I visited almost daily, then reduced to several times a week, short, sweet, and goal-oriented or occasion oriented, and it was still like a toxin dripping into my system. You have a right to set boundaries you can live with , AND to get counseling to help with those old wounds that probably have not really healed!
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Rather than non contact I would have done the broken record thing. I will NOT be alone with Mom, ever. I will help in other way, but I will NOT be alone with Mom ever. I need a chaperone or witness for me to be with mom because of all the accusations and abuse and I will not jeopardize myself legally.

Assisted living may be fine - they will tell you if they cannot manage her medical needs. They typically provide a great deal or supervision, much more so than an independent living facility. You can offer to help look for the right place. But repeat - I will NOT be left alone with my mom, ever.
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Cameras could help big sis keep a closer eye on mom. A therapist could help you deal with your anger and resentment and validation of your feelings. Once the emotional energy is moved you will be better able to deal with requests that seem so outrageous to you now. Walk fast at least 30 min a day. Just do 10 at a time if you need to break it up. Get a massage. Lower your shoulders and do deep breathing exercises. I'm sorry it's so difficult for your family right now. This stage will pass and another take it's place. You are not out of line to want them to back off. They obviously value your input and feel they really need you. So step way back and look at the big picture. Thanks to your parents there are at least three of you to share the responsibilities. That's a good thing. My wish for you is that you will clearly come up with what you are willing to do. When you get an emergency request from big sis be ready to tell her that it won't fit in your schedule today. If your sister thinks it's an emergency suggest she call the police or 911. Redirect her. If it's on your list then accept the chore. If sister is in charge of mom, tell her she has your support to hire extra help. If she won't take no for an answer perhaps a group therapy session would help. A big hug for you.
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Jeannegibbs, that is exactly what I did. I stated that any further contact from her would be unwelcome, then ended my communication. I have not responded to any of her messages thereafter, nor will I.

I have thought of getting counseling for the damage done to me as a youngster. I have made positive strides in repairing my self-esteem. And of course, the less contact I have with my family, the stronger I remain. That only makes sense, right? Why would I knowingly put myself in the middle of a path of destruction?

I have reiterated "NO". There should be no need for me to have to repeat it from this point.
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Your sisters cannot force you to do things you refuse to do. Don't argue with them. Don't defend yourself. Don't get drawn into late-night texting. Just say No. (Not easy. But possible and healthy.)

But I agree with Sunnygirl. A person with dementia cannot safely live alone past the very early stages. If your mother lives alone, you and your sisters, or the POA and healthcare proxy, need to resolve that problem. She needs more than checking on!

That your mother's dementia behaviors and your sister's "disrespect" have you physically ill makes me think that you could benefit from some counseling.

Meanwhile, just say No.
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To cmagnum; I have contacted the attorney's office to make them aware of the irretrievable breakdown in communication. They will contact me directly with anything they need from me. I was very clear in my final message to my sister that I do not want to be contacted by her again, to which I received an "OMG" response, and yet another demand for documents requiring notarization ( Have you mailed those documents yet?" that I just rec'd on Friday afternoon. Unreasonable expectations are nothing new.

Also not new are the sisters and mother's criticism. As a young teen(15 years old), they allowed me to overhear a kitchen table discussion about how irresponsible I was, how much a degenerate I was, and ripped down my dreams of being a good Mom one day, laughing and scoffing at my ideas for my future. Mom was just a big a part of this party as my sisters, so her emotional abuse is nothing new...she didn't have dementia 35 years ago!
To sunnygirl1; I have discussed my position on several occasions and made compromises it, each one ending in headache and physical illness.
You are right, she should not be left alone. Yet the sister with POA, the unreasonably demanding one insists on moving her into assisted living instead of a memory care facility, because memory care is more expensive that IL. I see clearly that IL will be a huge fail, and I don't want it reflected on me that I ever approved of this placement. I will let POA sister hold that ball of wax, since she has not taken into consideration my view.
I have done quite a few significant things to help Mom, like purchase a phone with hearing help (voice to text), she complained relentlessly and will not use it. I purchased new cordless phones with amplification, she complains. I got her a new hearing aid, she likes the old one better, even though it didn't work.
I drive her to appointments.... she says "Oh this is H*LL!" to which I finally retorted How much h*ll can this be for you when we are all doing EVERYTHING for you? SMH...She has always had everything done for her, and it's never good enough. She needs to have someone to fight with, and complain about, and I decided that it WILL NOT BE ME, ever again!
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It sounds like your sisters don't believe your mom's accusations about you or they wouldn't be begging you to help care for her. So, apparently, it is distressful to you none the less. I'd keep in mind that with dementia, people may go through stages and they may not always say certain things. They may stop making accusations entirely or move on to another topic.

I might discuss my distress with the sisters and see if a compromise might be worked out. What if you did things like picked up groceries, ran errands and even contributed financially, instead of providing hands on care? Or what if you took a person with you when checking on your mom? Having a witness there might help.

ALSO, with this amount of dementia, I'd be quite wary of leaving mom alone. Except in the early stages, just checking on her twice a week would be concerning to me.
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Your boundaries need some concrete consequences for being broken. Get a new cell phone number and tell them that since they continue to not respect your boundary that they are on their own from here on.
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